Random Jokes

[albabonzai]

I havent noticed a thread that is just full of random jokes..... I will start with a few..........

Please there is no racial or other abuse intended.....please feel free to slag me or the scots :p


What did the Mexican Fire Chief call his two sons??? Hosea and Hoaseb

I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it’s wine flu....


Two Drums and A cymbol fall off a cliff....boom, boom ching......

[fredv3b]

There are 10 sorts of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

[albabonzai]

There are 10 sorts of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

I gets it...... does anyone else :p

[Marky]

Knock knock...

Whos there?!

Dr...

Dr who?!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Old ones are the best.

Brought to you by Twazzle Inc.

[marshlander]

First cow: Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?

Second cow: No, I'm a penguin.

[princealbertofb]

I gets it...... does anyone else :p
sure! :biggrin:

[sox-and-the-city]

Watson: Why on earth would you want a yelllow door Holmes??

Holmes: Lemon entry, my dear Watson.

[yar]

You know why you never see a dead Crow on the road way?
Their is always one on the up on wire next to the roadway, as an auto approaches they holler Ca Ca to warn the rest.

[sox-and-the-city]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo so the barman gives her one.

[Marky]

What is black and white and red all over? :eek:












A SUNBURNT PENGUIN AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :biggrin:

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Important Stuff you might not know.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
************************************************** **************
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
************************************************** **************
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
************************************************** **************
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
************************************************** **************
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
************************************************** **************
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
************************************************** **************
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
************************************************** **************
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
********************* *******************************************
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
************************************************** **************
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
************************************************** **************
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
************************************************** *************
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
************************************************** **************
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
************************************************** **************
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
************************************************** **************
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
************************************************** **************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
************************************************** **************
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
************************************************** **************
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)
********************************* ******************************
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
************************************************** *************

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate
and he questioned, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied.... "those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal."
Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made
for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again..
"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......"I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask
me about it anymore!"
Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass .... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, he
shouted........

" COLDWATER, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY!"

[mikey12561]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate
and he questioned, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied.... "those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal."
Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made
for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again..
"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......"I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask
me about it anymore!"
Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass .... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, he
shouted........

" COLDWATER, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY!"

That is bad.

[libertylove4]

That is bad.

I thought it was rather entertaining

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Disorder in the Court.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the
last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[Either-Or]

Hehehe the last one is a zinger.

[marshlander]

A man goes to a Pacific island for a holiday. As the boat nears, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a local woman how long the drumming will go on. She casts about nervously and says, "It's very bad when the drumming stops."

Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So, he asks a local man when the drumming will stop. He looks as if he's just been spooked. "It's very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the first local person he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens when the drumming stops?!"

The poor man replied, "Bass solo."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.

After six years and $100,000,000, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.

After $50,000,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
himself in the forehead.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle-upon-Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the cloakroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the caretaker would remove them and the next day the girls would kiss them back on.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the cloakroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took a long-handled squeegee-mop, dipped it into one of the lavatories, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, no lip-prints have appeared on the mirror.

There are teachers....
...and then there are educators.

[Dark Angel]

First cow: Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?

Second cow: No, I'm a penguin.

That is just awesomeness at its fullest XD :biggrina:

[fredv3b]

First cow: Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?

Second cow: No, I'm a penguin.

That is just awesomeness at its fullest XD :biggrina:

One of the many advantages of being so young is that old jokes aren't. :tongue:

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[geo]

Some of these are dead funny Lol :D

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my Plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account to the tune of £30 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)

[Rychard the Lionheart]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone.



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Confused with no help!


Many many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

[marshlander]

Clever ... I'd forgotten about that one. I'm still going to need to work it all out.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?



SAEED AL SAHAF - The former Iraqi Head of Information.The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.In fact, we do not even have a chicken.



HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.



TONY BLAIR I agree with George.



JOHN HOWARD I agree with George and Tony.



KIM BEAZLEY There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing the road ....



SIMON CREAN @#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.



PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General) I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked for it.



DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



OPRAH Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be Listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I'm a dreamer but its not the only hen.



MICHAEL JACKSON There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your life with a chicken.



ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.



BILL GATES eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.





ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.





COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?



HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm c h i c k e n

[Rychard the Lionheart]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

[Rychard the Lionheart]

The urinal is too high



A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

THE DOG'S DIARY

7 am- Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


THE CAT'S DIARY

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1) You can always GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter

[fredv3b]

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

Strange office, where no-one is on a diet.

[prinnydood]

What's green and has wheels?






Grass. I lied about the wheels.

[princealbertofb]

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.


Actually this one might not pass in Spain so easily, as 'chocolate', I've heard, is another word for drugs (hashish)...

[princealbertofb]

The urinal is too high



...
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Very Funny, Rychard!
:invasion:

[snoopy]

brilliant stuff :smile:

[prinnydood]

what's better than roses on your piano?






tulips on your organ! XD my bf doesn't think this one is funny. I think it is hilarious.

[albabonzai]

A man bursts into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask.
He shouts at the teller whilst pointing a gun in his face " Open the safe"
The teller says back " But this is not a normal bank, its a sperm bank"
The robber says "just do as i say"

So the teller go's over and opens the safe

The robber shouts " Grab a tube and drink it"
The teller has no choice but to do as he says,
The robber shouts again "go on drink one more"
So again the teller drinks a tube

The robber then takes of his mask and to the tellers disbelief its his boyfriend.... The would be robber then says " So how come you can do it now but at home you moan??"

[albabonzai]

An Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bar,

The bar man says " Is this some sort of a joke?"

[albabonzai]

An Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman are all in the pub celebrating St Andrews day.

The Scotsman pipes up " Darn it, i need to phone my son Andrew as its his birthday today, we named him after St Andrew as he was born on this special day."

The Englishman in disbelief says " Why would you not believe it but the very same thing happened with my Son George!!!"

The Irishman shouts out with joy " Wait until my son Pancake heres about this !!!!!"

( Pancake day also known as Shrove Tuesday where everyone on the UK makes pancakes!!! )

[fredv3b]

A man walks into a bar, he says "ouch!"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A man dutifully asked his partner what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster and many more

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a
McDonalds where her loving partner ordered her a Happy Meal with a large fries and a chocolate sundae.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog with all the trimmings, popcorn, all the (real not diet) Coke she could drink, her favourite ice-cream and several packets of M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she waddled home and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over her with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you bloody twit."

And the moral of this tale is: Even when a man is actively listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around house. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

[prinnydood]

rotflol Rychard has the best jokes!! XD

[Synaesthete]

I rule at lame jokes.
I did this one at the end of work today when I was feeling quite delirious and my colleague was looking for paracetamol for her headache...

"What do you call a mole on drugs? Paraceta-mole"

I found it hilarious.
I then proceeded to ask if kettles live longer with Calgon too, and my colleague said "oh no... you're poor mum. She has to live with you".

[albabonzai]

Just coz its on the same line..... Why is there no drugs in the jungle??? The Parrots eat them all...get it??? Paracetamol.... No?...oh? oh right then..... Never mind.

[Synaesthete]

Just coz its on the same line..... Why is there no drugs in the jungle??? The Parrots eat them all...get it??? Paracetamol.... No?...oh? oh right then..... Never mind.

O M F G.

My other colleague told me this same joke right after I told mine.
She said her husband says it and it is funny because he does it in a Scottish accent and it works best that way.

How freaky...

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.



The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."



The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.



The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way - he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. Then one day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.



When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."



The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV,
eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[albabonzai]

O M F G.

My other colleague told me this same joke right after I told mine.
She said her husband says it and it is funny because he does it in a Scottish accent and it works best that way.

How freaky...

Hmm, yes i see what you mean, it does come out sounding better in a scots accent. I never realised tho as being Scottish i dont here the scottish accent when i speak lol!!

[Moo Freeman]

A girl came up to her mom and told her "MOMMY MOMMY i got 10 dollars" the mom asked "honey how did u get that" the young girl replied "some guy payed me to do a handstand while he sat up a tree" the mom said sadly "o honey he just did that to see your underwear"
The next day the girl came up to her mom and said " MOMMY MOMMY i got 10 dollars" the mom asked again "how did u get it this time honey" the little girl replied " some guy payed me to do a handstand while he was up in the tree laughing" the mom said in dissapointment "honey did i say he only did that to see your underwear" the girl happily said "yea mommy but i tricked him this time i didnt wear any underwear"

[prinnydood]

rotflol this is one of my favorite threads XD i wish i could remember jokes long enough to tell em. i'll probly look some up tonight

[prinnydood]

Here's some one-liners i found that i find humorous:

-Never buy a car you can’t push.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
-Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
-The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
-The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
-There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
-They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
-Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
-Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

i found some funny gay one-liners, but most were either stupid or offensive, so i didn't post them :)

ONE-LINERS FTW!!!

[snoopy]

kids know far too much these days .
today in the doctors waiting room, i saw
a little girl playing with her barbie & ken
dolls immitating the doggy position .

i said to her "you,ll end up with little
baby dolls if you keep doing that" she
replied

"i dont think so , he,s doing her up the arse" :spiny:

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer.....and women with big tits."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A retired man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond
belief. Hardly able to stand the pain, he decided to go to the doctor for
treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster coloured legs and shook his head. "You
must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he
explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try
taking this just before bedtime..."

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet
going to do?"

"Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it
will keep the sheets off your legs"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
He says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli pulled in by a strong currant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a
mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which
his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love,
Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked with her
mouth open and catching flies, proceeds to give his wee son the whole works,
warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "Sowhat is it you've been watching then Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Irish archaeology

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces
of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:- "US scientists have
found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as
deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile
phones."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

*Warning - this joke is a bit rude*

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He gets to one house where the
bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Hello", he says.
"Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood him, the binman smiles

and says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet, I toll you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman "You're misunderstanding me... where's ya Wheely Bin?"

"OK OK", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a wank."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably , it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "SHIT."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Excellency'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My god......"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants."
SL: "It's logical. He wants to rape us."
SM: "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What
can we do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."
SM: "It's not working."
SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too."
SM: "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."
SL: "The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both."
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me."
SM: "Yes, yes! But what happened then?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could."
SM: "And?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. He reached me."
SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up."
SM: "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants."
SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?"
SL: "Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
man with his pants down."
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys right
now - no make it five!!!!

[Aaycle]

Absolutely amazing jokes people, especially the two last ones!!! LMAO!!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

WHERE'S THE RAKE?

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to
take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
When my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?" I repeated the gestures. "EYE
KNEE - THE RAKE"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt,
and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell that I could even
come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her "What in
the hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."

[AgentWashington]

By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

"I know the whole truth."

At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them
by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole
truth."
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and
greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed
him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the
mailman at his front door.
Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then
come give your daddy a big hug."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Classified Ad

The following ad in The Atlanta Journal received numerous calls:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Just hug me and I'm yours. Call XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

Men are so easy. . . . .

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Drinking the black stuff.


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll bet $500
American dollars with anybody in here who says they can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking
them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first."

[Donald Schneider]

This is old, so doubtlessly many here have already heard it. Still, perhaps some of the younger people have not. It’s one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever heard, and I recall laughing hysterically when I first heard it. I admired how gay people could maintain such a sense of humor amidst such tragedy and fear.

When the AIDS epidemic first came to light in the early eighties, at least in the United States cases then were pretty much confined to three groups of people: Gays, IV drug abusers and people originally from Haiti; thus, the historical context of the joke within the gay community at a time when a great many were still “closeted.”

Question: What is the most difficult part of having AIDS?

Answer: Convincing your parents that you’re Haitian.

[princealbertofb]

Very politically incorrect, Donald, but it got a chuckle out of me too... just because it's so preposterous.

[Mideb]

Strange and Funny American Laws
In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

In Philadelphia, you can’t put pretzels in bags based on an Act of 1760.

Alaska law says that you can’t look at a moose from an airplane.

In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.

In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.

It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.

In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven with the steering wheel.

California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.

In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman is not to drive a car unless a man warns approaching motorists or pedestrians by walking in front of the car that is being driven.

In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping.

In New York, it is against the law for a blind person to drive an automobile.

In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage.

In Georgia, it is against the law to slap a man on the back or front.

A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.

In Louisiana, a bill was introduced years ago in the State House of Representatives that fixed a ceiling on haircuts for bald men of 25 cents.

In Oklahoma, no baseball team can hit the ball over the fence or out of a ballpark.


In Rochester, Michigan, the law is that anyone bathing in public must have the bathing suit inspected by a police officer !

In Kentucky, it’s the law that a person must take a bath once a year.

In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.

In Ohio, one must have a license to keep a bear.

In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.

In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.

In Providence, Rhode Island, it is against the law to jump off a bridge.

In the State of Kansas, you’re not allowed to drive a buffalo through a street.

In Florida, it is against the law to put livestock on a school bus.

In New Jersey, cabbage can’t be sold on Sunday.

In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose in the street!

In North Carolina, it is against the law for dogs and cats to fight.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it is unlawful to leave chewing gum in public places.

In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.

In New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.

In Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatos in clam chowder.

In Washington State, you can’t carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.

In San Francisco, there is an ordinance, which bans the picking up and throwing of used confetti.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a merchant to force a person into his place of business for the purpose of making a sale.

It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.

In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned.

In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light !

In Phoenix, Arizona, you can’t walk through a hotel lobby with spurs on.

In California, a law created in 1925 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.

In Utah, daylight must be visible between dancing couples.

In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.

In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.

In Georgia, it’s against the law to spread a false rumor.

In West Virginia, one can’t cook sauerkraut or cabbage due to the odors and the offence is subject to imprisonment.

In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.

The law states that more than 3000 sheep cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at any one time.

In Texas, it is still a “hanging offense” to steal cattle

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Interesting.

Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs The master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around on the deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate (Brass Monkey) with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "Brass Monkey," but would rust to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus is was, quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

[prinnydood]

i can never believe weird law jokes. they just sound so stupid sometimes. how could anyone possibly know that no passengers on an airplane saw a moose during a flight??

and rychard, as always, has the best jokes evar.

[marshlander]

I was wondering why there are so many jokes at the expense of believers, but relatively few at the expense of unbelievers? Here are a few "anti-atheist" jokes I've found to redress my usual ranting ... I'm feeling charitable given the time of year :wink:

-----------------
A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The Christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, as so sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the Christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.

Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."

The moral? There's a time and a place for scepticism.

------------------

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during an orgasm.
------------------

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"
------------------

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ...
.. NOW you're screwed."
------------------

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

[marshlander]

Sorry, can't help it. Had to giggle at this
([Only registered and activated users can see links])

[marshlander]

This is just clever
The following is apparently an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and we take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true.
Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

BEST SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR.


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothin. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."

[albabonzai]

Special Easter Joke!

And so it is written in the good book, that around this time of year during a dark time in Christianity that as our lord and Saviour was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked wearily down upon his 12 Apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath he said unto them....

"Dont touch my fucking easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday!"

Chapter 7 Paragraph 8 The new Testament Scotland!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Making a good deal.

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9
year old son comes home from school unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She
puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."

"I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove" the boy replied.

His father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

"$1,000" he answered.

His father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.

[marshlander]

:rofl:

[albabonzai]

:rofl:

lol love it!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Glasgow copper.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[albabonzai]

What do you call a Nun with a washing machine on her head?


Sistamatic!

[peterinmalaga]

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children"

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank’s stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher'


I can't swear that I didn't find this joke on this thread but it's so long now that I'm not going to reaqd thru it all again to find out!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed .
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit'

[Rychard the Lionheart]

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Neither of you have anything to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A couple of shorts.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

:1blue1:

Miss Smith a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Miss Smith said "Okay class, we're going to go around the room and get everybody to say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah"
Sarah said, "Cows have spots"

Terry said, ''Baseball is a sport"

Carla said, "Computers are electronic"

Bobby said, "Urinate"

Miss Smith said, "Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence"

Bobby said, "Not urinate", it's you're an eight......and if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,"All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A captain in the foreign legion gets transferred to a desert outpost.
On arrival he spots a mangy old camel. He said to the sergeant "What is the
camel for"
The sergeant said "Well sir, We're a good distance from anywhere, and the
men do have sexual urges. When they do, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for the men's morale, it's good enough
for me."
After a couple of weeks the captain becomes a little frustrated himself, and
tells the sergeant to bring the camel.
The camel is brought to his quarters, he gets a foot stool and begins to
have vigorous sex with the camel.
When he had finished he said to the sergeant "Is that how the enlisted men
do it"
The sergeant said "Well no sir. They usually ride it to the Brothel in
town."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10.They were always
getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred
in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a
clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked
if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them
individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with
the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,sitting there with
his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room.
He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG
trouble this time! God is missing,and they think we did it!"

[albabonzai]

Just got a call from my mate as he has fostered a kid! I told him it was a waste of a good can of beer!

[albabonzai]

Football Results - USA 1 - GHANA 2

In other news the USA has declared war on Ghana after discovering Intel saying they have WMD's!!

[albabonzai]

URGENT NEWSFLASH: England issues nationwide flood warnings as 5 Million Scots piss themselves with laughter!

[marshlander]

That's going to be some clean-up operation :eek:

[albabonzai]

That's going to be some clean-up operation :eek:

It will solve your water shortage problems :p

[albabonzai]

In the Jungle, the African jungle "3 Lions" sleep tonight coz, in the morning the early morning, they have to catch a flight...

No win away, No win away, No win away, No win away, No win away, No win away, No win away, No win away..............

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Actual Town Names from Around the Globe.


Shafter (California, USA)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Bastard (Norway)

Twatt (Orkney, UK)

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Fukum (Yemen)

Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Turdo (Romania)

Dongo (Congo, Democratic Republic)

Seymen (Turkey)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Wanks River (Nicaragua)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

Tittybong (Australia)

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Dikshit (India)

Wankener (India)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Beaver Lick, Knob Lick, Red Bush, Gays Creek, Fisty, Dykes, Breeding (Kentucky, USA)

Belchertown (Massachusetts, USA)

Tit-Ary (Siberia)

Bra (Italy)

Assen and Dikanas (Sweden)

Beaver City and Floyd's Knobs (Indiana, USA)

Frazier's Bottom (West Virginia, USA)

Alison's Gap, Bumpass and Ballsville (Virginia, USA)

Knockemstiff and Round Bottom (Ohio, USA)

Colon and Cumnock (North Carolina, USA)

Kickapoo, Red Dick and Pink Staff (Illinois, USA)

Butts (Georgia, USA)

Nutbush, Love Lady and Big Lick (Tennessee, USA)

Gay (Oklahoma, USA)

Tightwad (Missouri, USA)

Blue Ball, Hooker and Bald Knob (Arkansas, USA)

Phuket (Thailand)

Condom (France)

Buttsville (New Jersey, USA)

Spread Eagle (Newfoundland)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Puseyville (Pennsylvania, USA)

Blue Ball (Pennsylvania, USA)

Big Beaver (Saskatchewan, USA)

[marshlander]

Someone has too much time on their hands!

Near here there are places named Gaywood, Gayton, Stiffkey, Cockthorpe, Didlington and probably lots of others too, but it's late and I can't think of them.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Subject: A.A.A.D.D


Do you have A. A. A. D. D.? (Advanced Absentminded Attention Deficit
Disorder)

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on
the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail, and notice the
trashcan is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since
I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra
checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to
look for those checks. But first I have to put my coke further away from
the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for
awhile.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye; they need some
water.

I set the coke on the counter, and uh oh. There are my glasses. I was
looking for them all morning. I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots. Uh
oh.....someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look
in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television, so I'd better put
it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote
onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to
figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of the Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is
sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half-watered, the checkbook
still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys.

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled
because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I think
I'll check my email................

[princealbertofb]

Rychard, I loved this one;... It's so funny... Aren't we all a bit affected? or is it just my mother?

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An inexperienced farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for their wool.
After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are yet pregnant and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance only asks the vet how he'll be able to tell if it's worked?
"That's simple" says the vet, "as soon as they fall pregnant they'll stop standing and instead will lie down and wallow in the long grass".

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover,drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back,and goes to bed to recover from the morning's exertions.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around he deduces that the first try didn't work, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up. He drives them out to the woods, spends all day shagging them and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, He can't even raise himself from his bed to look out of the window. Instead, he asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No" she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them's beeping the horn." !!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:
"Emma come first, den I come, den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more, two asses, they come together again, I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives........"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[princealbertofb]

Hilarious sheep joke

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............... God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You work for a Bank. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied.... "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.........I was wondering if you were my son.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Have You Ever Wondered...


Why does the sun lighten our hair,
but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara
with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting,
who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes?????
Why don't they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

[colinmackay]

Have You Ever Wondered...

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes?????
Why don't they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!

I'm going to be awfully literal here: because if they did the aircraft would be too heavy and wouldn't get off the ground. (or, at least, not without also increasing the amount if thrust produced by the engines considerably thus requiring a lot more fuel)

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Parents.

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfer is.
- "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees (="peggs") fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
-"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
- "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
- "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
- "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
- "Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everything!"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A farmer, named Clyde, had a motor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.

'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now tell me, what the **** would you say?'

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
______________

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A couple of gags for you.

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers
"And this?" the teacher asks
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer
with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint: What does
your Mummy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept
through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April,
who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April
fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher
said, "Very good,"
April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with
the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN
ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!
The Teacher fainted.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in maths.
His parents tried everything...tutors, flash cards, special learning centres
...In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades - just wasn't working !.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School .
After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before. This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference. Fi! nally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again. With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math! She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room.
"So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked. Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head "No."
"Was it the books...the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?" Little Tommy again shook his head "No".
"Then what was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered. "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fu*king around."

[fredv3b]

I loved that, thanks.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Thank you Fred, here is some more.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!!"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of
water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through
the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath when all of a sudden
he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of
him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that
he has a Manichevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two
left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.....appears
to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side
curls, etc.,
"Well kid," says the genie." You know how it works. You have three wishes.
" I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!"
"What have you got to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

*****POOF*****

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies..
"Okay kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

*****POOF*****

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old
coins and precious gems.
"Okay kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will always need and want me!!!"

*****POOF*****

He is turned into a tampon.


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string
attached.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Another church joke for you all.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning mass. and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary,that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..
"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[Aaycle]

Wow, just sublime guys, awesome, awsome, awesome concentration of the best jokes I've read in my entire life... just superb.Thank, you, thank you, thank... you!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you’re going to love this)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.....!)

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him question regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied "No money in the bank".
The nun asked "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters, nuns are married to God!"
The patient then replied, "OK Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane.
The stranger turned to little Johnny and said, "Let's talk.I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shit?"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A few for the military.

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, Retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir"

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy"

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

“Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Aaycle]

RychardtheLionheart, tell me your secret to finding these great jokes, please? Or, do you just write them yourself?

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Hi Aaycle.

Many thanks for the compliment, regarding the jokes there is no secret. I have a group of friends who send me jokes, we exchange jokes regularly, many of the jokes have already travelled the world via the net. I do enjoy posting them and by the hits this thread gets I think many other people also enjoy reading them.

I am aware that humour is a personal thing and some will offend someone in this world, but I hope that most people will laugh at them. I do like feedback from people, this does help me select the jokes I will post. Being English I do have a wicked sense of humour, and I do filter out jokes which I know would be offensive to groups of the human race.

I have posted several blonde jokes in another thread, I have no ill feeling against blondes I really do love them, but I work with them and its true they do have blonde moments. I also love the Irish, great people but even they have their moments. Like the pair of Irish building contractors who put a signboard upside down on a building site. yes its true.

More is coming so watch this space.

Rychard the Lionheart

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!


OK?


How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...


The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius

Three is normal.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[joseph]

what was a fish and icecream. it is a jellyfish

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Warning - This might offend somebody.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers
and a homo."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Hung Chow call his boss and says: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really
sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like
this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feelbetter
and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Growing older.

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to many little
things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as
one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a
fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician
told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves
little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's
office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen
and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you
won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better
write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some
strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd
really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a
dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear
him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his
preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.Walking over to his wife,
he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
"Hey, where's the toast?"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God
bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here
that he was 95 when he died."
"Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!!!!!!!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life."

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!!"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn.
It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.' Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool Albert.'
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa...
'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Stevie.'

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A Human Resources Manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her.

"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem . . . you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules . . . " at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound lift.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends . . . past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the lift. The lift went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing . . . which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St. Peter returned."So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven". "You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell". "I
choose hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the lift again and she went back down to hell.

When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Questions about the Old and New Testaments.


This comes from a Catholic primary school. The pupils were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by some of the children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. incorrect spelling has been left in).

1) In the first book of the bible, Guinnessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2) Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3) Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4) The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5) Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6) Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7) Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8) The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9) The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10) The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11) Moses died before he ever reached Canada. ThenJoshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12) The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and. he obeyed him.

13) David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.

14) Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15) When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16) When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17) Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18) St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19) Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone".

20) It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21) The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22) The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23) One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24) St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

24) Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mum a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Cinderella & Her Cat.

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Leon for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Leon, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".


The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart yearn for next?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.


Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Leon my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man". Magically, Leon suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Leon and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Leon walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my b*****ks chopped off now, don't you?"

[marshlander]

... 21) The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels ...
... and lo they moved quietly among the multitudes.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Warning - Rude joke.

A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex viz you".
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".
"Ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four Large
bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her
hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees".
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The
sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German,
all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational
that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has
recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call
that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique".

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Warning - Another rude joke.

A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why"?

The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

GRANDMA IN THE COURTROOM

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,

"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[postman]

a couple driving home late at night run over a badger...
they get out and find that it is still breathing but freezing cold...
husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up"
wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks",
he says "well hold the badgers nose then" :biggrin:

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the
man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied...
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

WHY WE SPLIT UP...

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.


I don't think she's coming back

[Rychard the Lionheart]

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

================================================== ==========================

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are
the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's
had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.


Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down to next post for the answers.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

ANSWERS

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you
just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

[marshlander]

... Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
... and neither completed a voyage ;)

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition: Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

[Rychard the Lionheart]

BROKEBACK DEER CAMP

The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night ."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

'Circumcised'

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunchwhen they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the Olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thohgut slpeling was ipmoratnt.

How good was taht!

[princealbertofb]

Very good Rychard, it has been said on these boards before, actually. So it IS an interesting phenomenon, isn't it. I wonder if Joseph would find it difficult to read though...???

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

[princealbertofb]

Lol, Rychard, charming one liner!!! :smile:

[princealbertofb]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the Olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thohgut slpeling was ipmoratnt.

How good was taht!

The word READING was lacking an A and had one G too many. I was still able to read it.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is
to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom
Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they
go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a
long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony
but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says," I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f**k's that on the
balcony with Colin?"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A man had a terrible golf problem, so he went to the club pro for some lessons.
Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied," just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's member."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands..."

[BiJane]

If a pro is the opposite of a con, what is the opposite of progress?
:monalisa:

[Rychard the Lionheart]

The Bacon Tree.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...



Ees





Ees




Ees



Ees





Ees





Ees





Ees



Eees a Ham Bush.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone 'to say good-bye to my mother'.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long,' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!

She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'.

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but for $1,000,000 you've only got one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have's me a go!'
'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
A) Robin ( b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo (d) Thrush.
'I ain't gots a clue,' said Mick, 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.'
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Jaysus, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Are ya tick or what! Dat's just simple logic ... it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are ya sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm damn sure' replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo as me answer.'
Is that your final answer?' asked the host.
'Dat it is Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Congratdulations .... Mick, you've won $1,000,000!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did youse know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you knowin' about birds n' all.'
Paddy just laughed. 'Lord tunderin' Jaysus bye, your some kinda tick, aincha - everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!

[princealbertofb]

That's one that would appeal to my neighbours the Swiss.... hahaha.
Question is: How did Mick find a flight out of Newfoundland and back to Ireland so quickly???

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Fair enough" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays".

[Rychard the Lionheart]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

Roger Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Roger opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

Roger said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed..

One of the Policemen said to Roger, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Roger answered, "I thought you said there was nobody available."


I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with older people!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size.
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
"BA". The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted...

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Late last Saturday night , a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the street lights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
Faster.........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came...... BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
He grabbed some Benadryl cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about
from Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you
live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was I lived
on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did
I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's,
of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our
good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits
down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking
his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night
tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

[Rychard the Lionheart]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE I'M *^$#@ BROKE!!


Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Vaseline Survey:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Important Zen Teachings.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just - Piss off and leave me alone.


2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


3. No one is listening until you Fart.


4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.


5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.


11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.


13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.


15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just get worse.


20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a dishevelled man in a drunken stupor surrounded by empty bottles.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he has been drinking copiously like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what now ?

[The Virgin]

a mother saw her 5 year old child walking out of the house carrying a bagpack:

mother: honey, where are you going?

child: i'm leaving cause you don't love me anymore.

mother: honey, where did you get that? how can you say that?

child: cause i'm always wrong. i've never been right.. you don't love me anymore because of that!

mother: honey, you're wrong...

child: see? (cries and left the house)

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta
teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible", he says, "there's a £20 note lodged up here".
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10
note appears.
"This is amazing", exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do"?
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den"?
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and tells him "£1,990 exactly".
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand".

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Are you the weakest link? I think so! Please do not cheat.


I am going to ask you three questions.
And you have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time you have to answer immediately.
O.K.?

Let's find just how clever you really are ........
Ready?
GO !!!!!

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second.
What position do you finish?

NOW! See the answer below..


Answer:

If you answer that you arrived first, then you are absolutely wrong!!!
Cause you overtake the second and you take his place so you arrived
second!!! !!

To answer the second question don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last then you arrive...?



Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong
again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST !!!!
The question is wrong! You're not very good at this are you???

Third Question
Subject: *Very very Tricky maths!
Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.

What is the total? (scroll down for answer)
Did you get 5000?


The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don' t believe it? Check with your calculator!
The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s).

That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!!

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Thought for the Day.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Kids of today are wrapped in cotton wool.........

If you lived as a child in the 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's hard
to believe we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Our cots
were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof
lids on medicine bottles, doors or cupboards, when we rode our bikes we had
no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend
hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only
to find we forgot the brakes. After running into bushes a few times we
learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No
mobile phones.

We got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no law suits from
these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other black and blue and learned to get over
it. We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank cordial, but we were never
overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four
friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games, 65
channels on pay TV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal mobile
phones, personal computers, internet chat rooms......we had friends.

We went outside and found them, we rode bikes or walked to a friends home
and knocked on the door, or rung the bell, or just walked in and talked to
them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves!

Out there in the cold cruel world, without a guardian - how did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and ate worms, and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside forever. Footy and netball had tryouts and not everyone
made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with
disappointment.....

Some pupils weren't as smart as others so they failed an exam and were held
back to repeat the same year. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide
behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law - imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of new
ideas and innovation. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them, Congratulations!!!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives....for our own good!

[The Virgin]

Child: Mom, why do you have some grey hairs?

Mother: You see dear, everytime a child does bad things, the mother will get some grey hair. so if you don't want mommy to have grey hairs no more, be a good girl ok?

Child: How about grandma's hair? it's all grey now...

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...


The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he
would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I
either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

[DannyE]

Important Stuff you might not know.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
************************************************** **************
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
************************************************** **************
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
************************************************** **************
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
************************************************** **************
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
************************************************** **************
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
************************************************** **************
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
************************************************** **************
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
********************* *******************************************
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
************************************************** **************
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
************************************************** **************
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
************************************************** *************
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
************************************************** **************
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
************************************************** **************
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
************************************************** **************
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
************************************************** **************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
************************************************** **************
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
************************************************** **************
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)
********************************* ******************************
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
************************************************** *************

You made my day_^

[DannyE]

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?



SAEED AL SAHAF - The former Iraqi Head of Information.The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.In fact, we do not even have a chicken.



HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.



TONY BLAIR I agree with George.



JOHN HOWARD I agree with George and Tony.



KIM BEAZLEY There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing the road ....



SIMON CREAN @#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.



PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General) I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked for it.



DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



OPRAH Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be Listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I'm a dreamer but its not the only hen.



MICHAEL JACKSON There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your life with a chicken.



ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.



BILL GATES eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.





ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.





COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?



HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm c h i c k e n



xD

Best EVER.!!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Cinderella & Her Cat

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Leon for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is
there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I
wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Leon, her old faithful cat, jumped off
her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".


The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart
yearn for next?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to
course through her
very soul.


Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall
you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish
you to transform Leon my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".
Magically, Leon suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the
like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds
begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your
new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a
few eerie moments, Leon and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
had ever seen. Then Leon walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in
her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leant in close to her, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
b*****ks chopped off now, don't you?"

[marshlander]

Hi Rychard, welcome back. We've missed you ;)

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Thanks marsh, been busy with some business projects. but I will try and keep posting some good jokes for you all. :pyth:

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Maroochydore. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
read her book.
Along comes a fisheries patrol officer in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are
you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you
up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the fisheries rep.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitten.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitten, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Surgery, Five surgeons are talking.

No.1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "

No.2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "

No.3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

No.4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. "

No.5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he
observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the
head and the ass are interchangeable. "

[Rychard the Lionheart]

SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"





"No........... I'm a rabbit in Arizona

[Rychard the Lionheart]

How fast can you guess these words?


1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM








Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM


You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

[Rychard the Lionheart]

You may or may not have seen some of the following News headlines:

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"

No, really?

"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"

Now that's taking things a bit far!

"Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter "

Someone caught this in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked, who wrote this? It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"

What a guy!

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"

No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

"War Dims Hope for Peace"

I can see where it might have that effect!

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"

Ya think?!

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"

Who would have thought that!

"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"

They may be on to something!

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

"Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge"

He probably IS the battery charge

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"

Weren't they fat enough for them?!

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"

That's what they get for eating beans!

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"

I wonder do they taste like chicken?

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"

The chainsaw massacre all over again!

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner of them all is....

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"

Did I read that right?

[Paul1]

Tow nuns driving in the desert, Mary and Josephine. Suddenly Lucifer himself appears on the bonnet.

Josephine says: "Quick Mary! Do Something! Swerve from side to side!"

So Mary starts yanking the steering wheel left and right. Still no good, that devil's clinging on

Josephine says: "Quick Mary! Do Something! Do some emergency stops!"

Mary starts breaking harder than she's ever braked in her life. Still no good, the devil even looks amused.

Josephine says: "Quick Mary! Do Something! Do some wheel spins!"

So Mary revs the car full speed and yanks the steering right round, and makes the car do tight circles. Still no good, the devil is laughing by this time. Mary stops, and the nuns eyes widen with absolute terror.

Josephine thinks for a second, and then says: "Praise the lord Mary, show 'em yeh cross"

Mary opens her door, walks up to Lucifer and screams "GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY BONNET"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!





OK?


How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...


The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius

Three is normal.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions e.g. anger, fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit" what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says, "I'm green with envy".
The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink".
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, stark naked, one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Well, I'm f*cking discustard, and my friend here has just come in dispair."!!!!!

[Cryptique]

this is a joke/quote taken from Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves

A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, “Bring me my red shirt!” It was a long fight but in the end the Captain and his crew were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, “Bring me my red shirt!” and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, “I wear the red shirt so that if I’m wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid.” All the men were moved by this great display of courage.

Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the Captain cried out, “Bring me my brown pants."

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

[BiJane]

Do we allow jokes that are, ah...dark, and more than likely to cause more than moderate offence?
Ignore this post. And please don't hate me.


Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
Well, whatever it is, it's heading straight for the World Trade Centre.

[Cryptique]

Do we allow jokes that are, ah...dark, and more than likely to cause more than moderate offence?

Most people I know have a pretty dark sense of humour anyway :tongue:

[colinmackay]

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
Well, whatever it is, it's heading straight for the World Trade Centre.

Well, I'm not sure where the offensive nature is. Some may regard it as inappropriate tho'. Yet, I fail too see where the humour lies. I don't get it.

Incidentally, given the spelling I'm guessing that this particular WTC is not the one that was located in NYC... (or am I just being too pedantic now by pointing out the Commonwealth English spelling and the fact that there are WTC buildings all over the world)



Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[ceez]

my depressions coming on again so hopefully a joke will help me feel a little better.

three guys were traveling on a business trip when their car broke down in the middle of no where. thankfully they were down the street from a kind man who let them stay in his house while their car was repaired, but the only problem was he only had one extra bedroom with one large bed in it. the guys were all close enough to sleep in the same bed head to toe side by side.

the next morning they woke up and the guy on one end said, "I had this crazy dream some blond gave me a hand job". the guy on the other end said, "me too, only mine was a brunet". the guy sleeping in the middle said, " wow, I only dreamed I was skiing".
;)

[ceez]

I remembered one other one.

a man saw an elderly man setting on a bench in a park crying. he asked the man, "why are you

crying?", the old man said, "I have a big house in country and one at the beach,I have my dream

car,I am set financially, I have a wife that cooks and cleans for me that still looks young sexy

and we still have sex when I have my pills" the man stopped him and said, " then whats wrong?"

the old man said " I forgot where I live".

[Genersis]

Being a retired cop and American, I took strong offence at this so-called attempt at humor. Why don't you just make a sick joke about my deceased wife.

Amazing, I just noticed the people that didn't mind the joke were all from the UK. So, if someone kills your queen I should laugh about it? Jerks.

BiJane didn't post a joke of...well....good taste.
She did give forewarning, even though that doesn't excuse it 100%

But it's still just a joke. People make jokes about disasters where people died sometimes it's just this is a little more recent and extreme disaster than most.

I understand you have some personal ties to the disaster but don't overgeneralise people from the UK as being jerks just because of a joke you took offence to, as understandable as your offence maybe.