How to tell college roommates

[mattm816]

Ok, so I'm actually not in the "closet." I came out a few months ago. However, in August I will be moving into the college dorms and I need some advice.
I really, really want to be open with my roommates about my sexual orientation. However, I'm worried that if one of them (I will have one roommate and 3 suitemates) has a problem with me, then it could make for a pretty miserable living situation. So, how would you guys and/or girls handle this? Like I said, it's important to me that he knows that I'm gay, just for the sake of honesty and so that no awkward situations arise. Any advice?
Thanks!
-M

[Bluegreen]

I'm guessing the college assigned the roommates so you currently don't know them. You could try and contact them via facebook and get to know them a little and tell them.

[mattm816]

I'm guessing the college assigned the roommates so you currently don't know them. You could try and contact them via facebook and get to know them a little and tell them.

Yup, that's correct. :biggrin: I've actually tried searching for my roommate on facebook and, because his name is VERY common, haven't been able to find him. I've emailed him to try to get some information going between us, but no response. My guess is he probably doesn't check his campus email during the summer. So I'm back at square one...what to do? :confused:

[Waylon777]

I say just tell them, face to face. That's pretty much what I did. Except before you do that, just be sure if they are okay with it. Ask them sneaky questions to know how they could react. But, otherwise it's easier to just tell them head on. If they have problems, you can always work it out.(Unless if they are really homphobic...)

[musicman2229]

College is a learning experience for everybody. I go to school in the deep south, and my school is generally very accepting of gay people. The younger generation, particularly those at institutions of higher education, tend to be more open minded about homosexuality.

I feel that if you consider your sexual orientation to be an important topic to disclose to your roommates, asking them sneaky questions to assess their tolerance level is not the right course of action. What are you going to do if you don't like their answers, pretend to be something you're not for at least a year? If you're out to people and secure in your identity, you shouldn't have to go through all that again.

That said, I feel there are tactful ways to bring it up. For me, it would seem like the direct approach, "hey guys, so before we get too settled in, I wanted to tell you that I'm gay. I hope this won't be a problem", comes across as insecure. It sounds like you're asking for their approval. I would personally settle on creating a discussion in which I would let it become clear. For instance, "So what should our policy be for bringing dates back to the dorm? We should work out some system so if you want to bring a girl back, or I want to bring a guy back, we won't interrupt each other." Adjust the subtlety as you see fit (It sounded better in my head, I promise), but that is more of the approach I would take.

[rakmatis]

let them catch you making out with a guy in the library or something, easier than talking :)

[Yosuke]

Like musicman2229 I go to school in the deep south as well and my school in general is very accepting. It all depends on where you go. But you should try and do it in a way that is subtle yet doesnt seek approval, nor should you let it define you. Instead of being their 'gay' roomate, be their roomate that happens to be gay. That's the approach I took, and it works. Of course now I live off campus with girls who don't care...so yeah lol. That's the great thing about college, you aren't stuck if your living situation is absolutely horrid. I'm sure you'll have a great time, and I hope your roommates are cool :)

[princealbertofb]

Mattm16, is there a chance that you could change dorms or rooms with someone else who doesn't mind, in case this particular roommate does mind?

[princealbertofb]

On a funny note, I thought if you plastered your wall with posters of Lady Gaga and Britney, and semi naked hunks he would get the message... but that may be impossible.

[matty7]

i like how musicman put it - a soon as poss i would let them know and let them tell you if they care or not....im sure the college would be helpfull to get another dorm if anyone had issues but lets hope not and think possitive m8 - would the campus give you a means to contact him if you want to get it out of the way b4 term starts ?

dont dwell on it too much so it spoils your summer though - i would bet things will go great and you'll have a wonderfull college experience :xyxthumbs:

[Marky]

To be fair in college I doubt it would be a massive issue :tongue: Just be open and honest and don't feel ashamed or anything for it :smile:

[mattm816]

Thanks for the awesome ideas! :biggrin: Those are all good suggestions. And the university allows for a "roommate swap" about two weeks into the semester, so by that time I should have a clear idea of how things are going to go.

[jbrowder24]

Well good luck! I'd be nervous not knowing the guys but if you know you have a chance for a roommate swap early on, I guess might as well be open sooner than later?

Or don't tell them but keep it obvious. Have any gay films? Leave them out. Or a copy of Instinct. Whatever. They'll figure it out :)

[random91]

like most people have said just come out & tell them if they dont like it...there no loss on your part.

[GroverC]

like most people have said just come out & tell them if they dont like it...there no loss on your part.except perhaps the respect of the roommate. That's not nothing. Not that it should deter him from disclosure. But, rejection can be painful. hopefully he has a network of support behind him to mitigate the pain.

[Retrospect]

Yeah...
If I were you I would take some time getting to know him (like a week or so) and just see how he seems to act. He'll be at least 18, so he has knowledge of orientation and whatnot, so gay people wont be new to him, I'm sure.
However, you'll be able to tell if he's nice and whatnot, and by his actions and personality, you can easily judge around his point of view in some things. So if he seems like a pretty chill dude, just let him know face to face. NOT awkwardly. Please. Don't be like, "Hey, so I have something to tell you, uhm. Please don't hate me. Uhm. i'm really nervous." .... No. just a simple, "Hey, by the way, not that it's a big deal, but I'm gay. " -- wait for any reaction -- "That doesn't bother ya or anything right? I swear I wont rape you in your sleep, man!" etc. etc. Then make sure to talk about any housing rules and guest rules. So he knows what's coming up and you know what's coming. If you're both going to have significant others invited or whatever.

I really don't like that whole, "Just tell him and if he doesn't like it, f*ck it, do your thing anyway. " thing because that's just not the way to go about things, in my opinion- it's disrespectful.
And I wouldn't lead him up to it by having gay flicks on or posters of Brent Everett on your wall, either, because that's pushing his buttons, disrespectful, and going to make him feel uncomfortable and higher chances of leaning towards awkward/ a negative start to your relationship.

Just for giggles, here's my coming out story to my ex-roomy:

Last August, we were both 19 (now 20):

He went to a military training high school and comes from very conservative parents. He has a knife uder his bed, so I was actually... uhm.. a bit worried.
He's about 6'1'' a bit muscular, and luckily a bear at heart.

During the first two weeks of school, we talked about simple things in life, when he mentioned girls, I would just turn the tables to let him do most the talking in that category, and so forth. during the first week, he wore a neon green shirt and I told him, "man, you look pretty damn gay" and his reaction was just laughter (this was a little clue that he doesn't take the word "gay" into anything serious, and just a word. I was looking for something negative, like, "dude, that's not cool". or something along the lines of that). He was pretty friendly with his friends, too. That straight wanna be gay slap in the butts, "good game!" and what not. Which shows comfort with his sexuality and possibly a sign of not minding other's people business, aka, not caring who's gay and who's not.
Then during the 2nd week, I invited him to go out dancing with some friends and I and he said okayyy. I was going with 5 gay guys, 2 gay girls, and 1 straight girl.
We got to my firend's apartment to pre-game and when we were walking up the stairs, I told him, "by the wayyyyyyy, just to fill you in some quick details, I'm gay and everyone you're about to meet is gay except for one straight girl... good luck, and please don't slice me with your knife."
His reaction: "Whaat?! And you tell me now?!"
Me: "Yeahhh, sorry about the bluntness, better now than never, rightttt? You don't have any problems, right?"
Him: "Hahahaha, no I don't care, I had a feeling"
And we went on on our merry way.

Then later when we got back from dancing to our dorm we talked about further details and whatnot.


Hope that helps. :|

Just remember that being gay is NOT a big deal, so try not to make it one. Or things get fuzzy. :/


Good luck!

[princealbertofb]

Good story, Retrospect.