Random Jokes

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A retired man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond
belief. Hardly able to stand the pain, he decided to go to the doctor for
treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster coloured legs and shook his head. "You
must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he
explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try
taking this just before bedtime..."

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet
going to do?"

"Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it
will keep the sheets off your legs"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
He says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
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Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a
mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
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A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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[Rychard the Lionheart]

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which
his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love,
Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked with her
mouth open and catching flies, proceeds to give his wee son the whole works,
warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "Sowhat is it you've been watching then Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Irish archaeology

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces
of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:- "US scientists have
found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as
deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile
phones."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

*Warning - this joke is a bit rude*

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He gets to one house where the
bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Hello", he says.
"Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood him, the binman smiles

and says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet, I toll you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman "You're misunderstanding me... where's ya Wheely Bin?"

"OK OK", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a wank."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably , it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "SHIT."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Excellency'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My god......"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants."
SL: "It's logical. He wants to rape us."
SM: "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What
can we do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."
SM: "It's not working."
SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too."
SM: "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."
SL: "The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both."
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me."
SM: "Yes, yes! But what happened then?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could."
SM: "And?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. He reached me."
SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up."
SM: "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants."
SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?"
SL: "Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
man with his pants down."
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys right
now - no make it five!!!!

[Aaycle]

Absolutely amazing jokes people, especially the two last ones!!! LMAO!!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

WHERE'S THE RAKE?

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to
take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
When my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?" I repeated the gestures. "EYE
KNEE - THE RAKE"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt,
and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell that I could even
come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her "What in
the hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."

[AgentWashington]

By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.