~D5~

That is just awesomeness at its fullest XD

__________________
~Making new Signature~

fredv3b

One of the many advantages of being so young is that old jokes aren't.

__________________
Fred

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

Rychard the Lionheart

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

__________________

geo

Some of these are dead funny Lol :D

Rychard the Lionheart

A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my Plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account to the tune of £30 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

9 Things I Hate About Everyone.



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

Confused with no help!


Many many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

__________________

marshlander

Clever ... I'd forgotten about that one. I'm still going to need to work it all out.

Rychard the Lionheart

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?



SAEED AL SAHAF - The former Iraqi Head of Information.The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.In fact, we do not even have a chicken.



HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.



TONY BLAIR I agree with George.



JOHN HOWARD I agree with George and Tony.



KIM BEAZLEY There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing the road ....



SIMON CREAN @#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.



PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General) I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked for it.



DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



OPRAH Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be Listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I'm a dreamer but its not the only hen.



MICHAEL JACKSON There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your life with a chicken.



ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.



BILL GATES eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.





ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.





COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?



HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm c h i c k e n

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

The urinal is too high



A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

THE DOG'S DIARY

7 am- Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


THE CAT'S DIARY

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1) You can always GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter

__________________

fredv3b

Strange office, where no-one is on a diet.

__________________
Fred

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

prinnydood

What's green and has wheels?






Grass. I lied about the wheels.

__________________
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. - William Somerset Maugham

There's 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. - Unknown

"Noob-friendly" is an oxymoron. - Prinnydood

princealbertofb

Actually this one might not pass in Spain so easily, as 'chocolate', I've heard, is another word for drugs (hashish)...

princealbertofb

Very Funny, Rychard!

snoopy

brilliant stuff