Rychard the Lionheart

This is Air Traffic Control..........

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following,allegedly, are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Charleston made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a American 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's, and D's, but get it
right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right
at the lights and return to the airport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm fecking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fecking bored, not fecking stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "SouthWest 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
SouthWest 702: "Tower, SouthWest 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from SouthWest 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied SouthWest and we've already notified our caterers......"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheardthe following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody
war

Rychard the Lionheart

Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet



After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a crash event.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

marshlander

Thanks ... very funny

Rychard the Lionheart

Couple of short ones.

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.



A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub..'

Rychard the Lionheart

On a plane bound for New York , the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied... "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York , and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied... "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York , and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York ."

__________________

princealbertofb

Good fun... well I hope I'm going to New York whatever class we're in.

Rychard the Lionheart

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could
just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the
tray up NOW."

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is £12 a litre, and we have 60 different prices up to £200 a litre.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that £12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the £200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the £12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per litre just went to £16. We don't have any more £12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many litres do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining litres of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the £200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from £10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-litres. One £5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to complete the room is £20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be £300 a litre.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was £200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy £200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next litre of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with British Airways.

__________________

marshlander

Rychard the Lionheart

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.
The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'.
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (embarrassing moments in time) add on, that automatically allocates (for removal), in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one's EMIT is not
necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles* cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered.
For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (coffee table seeking guidance system) explains the ringbarked shins.

There you go , now you know.......

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

Tap On the Back.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!"

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the F*****G POPE as his driver!!"

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

A true story, ALLEGEDLY !!!

----------------------------

A LESSON FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!!!

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be NOW".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You !"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too !!"

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

Drivers around the world.

One hand on steering wheel, One hand out of the window ------- SYDNEY

One hand on steering wheel, One hand on horn ------- JAPAN

One hand on steering wheel, One hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator ------ BOSTON

Both hands on steering wheel, Eyes shut, Both feet on the brake, Quivering in terror ------ NEW YORK

Both hands in the air, Gesturing, Both feet on the accelerator, Head turned to talk to someone in back seat ------ ITALY

One hand on the horn, One hand greeting, One ear on cell phone, One ear listening to loud music, Foot on accelerator, Eyes on female pedestrians, Conversation with someone in next car ------ WELCOME TO KENYA - Na hivyo ndiyo ilivyo!

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

Monkey ride

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

"President" Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either".

__________________

Rychard the Lionheart

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

__________________

fredv3b

I have this on reasonably good authority that this is a true story (or at least the gist of it is)....

At the end of a flight pilots fill in a piece of paper listing any problems with the aircraft, commonly known as a 'gripe sheet'. A copy of which is passed on to the aircraft manufacturer so that they can see what maintenance issues occur with their aircraft. Airbus routinely analyse all problems relating to 'safety critical' systems because obviously they are the most important for safety reasons but also they are the most likely to keep an aircraft on the ground until they are fixed delaying passengers and costing the airlines a lot of money. However they did not do the same routine analysis on 'non-safety critical' systems, but one day (I am not sure why) they decided to flick through a collection of such gripe sheets. They came to the conclusion that the single, non-safety critical item on their aircraft, most prone to failing was, apparently, the forward coffee machine.

__________________
Fred

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

Rychard the Lionheart

The mighty power of the Yanks!


The following is the transcript of an (ALLEGEDLY !!! ) ACTUAL radio conversation in October
1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off
England. The transcript was released by the M O D on 10/10/95 (can someone confirm this).

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*ck off.

__________________