Should I stay with him or am I being paranoid?

Hi,

This is my first post so please be gentle. Sorry its so long.

I met my current boyfriend nearly 9 years ago, we started dating after a week and he moved in with me 5 years ago.
I had previous boyfriends but none as near as this long, the last one had cheated on me so I dumped him.
I am my boyfriends first boyfriend.
Although I loved my over boyfriends I actually fell in love with this one and it was like I had never loved before.

Overall we have been really happy together, we have never broken up and only had a couple of heated arguments.

About 2 years ago I was awake one night while he was sleeping and I went to look out of the window because i heard a noise and his phone was there, it flashed up with a picture of a guys penis.

Curious I picked it up and had a look, it was a picture message, I read the message and it said something like "for you baby"... I decided to have a look to see who it was and what was going on, I found that my boyfriend had sent this guy a couple naked pictures of himself. I got furious my first thought was that he is cheating and I also got angry as the day before I showed him how to set up and use the picture message!! lol

So I immediately woke him and confronted him with this, he made some excuses about it being an old friend from school and it going a bit too far.
I said I didn't know what I was going to do, break up or try to work through it, he started crying when I said that and promised he wouldn't do anything like that again.
I forgave him and we carried on.

Fast forward 2 years now till a few months ago, Everything was going great, no major issues holidays away together etc.
I then receive a message from one of our Facebook friends sending me a link to a facebook profile.
I check the link and Its my boyfriend, my first thought was I haven't seen these pics... or this profile name.
Then I notice the in a relationship part... that's not my name!!
He had set up another profile and was posting away as he was in a relationship with some other guy! The guy was in the US but that didn't matter as I felt so hurt and betrayed! My boyfriends pictures where of him showing off his body with just his underwear on.

When my boyfriend got home from work I was ready to kick him out but as soon as I saw him I started to cry so bad I could hardly speak, I showed him the profile and he started all these excuses about how he was only getting back at the guy for being mean to one of his facebook friends.
After a lot of apologizing and him deleting the profile in front of me again I had forgiven him, after all he hasn't physically cheated on me.

I noticed that he was getting a bit friendly with a few other guys on facebook but I took it as harmless flirting.

A couple of weeks later we are ordering things from amazon and I notice his recent purchase history had about 10 items sent to one of the names of one of them guys on facebook I looked at him and at first he tried lying and saying it was his mums but I know his parents very well, I freak out, why are you buying things for this guy?
He didn't have an answer for me, again it was the apologies and i'll never do it again, he deleted the profile.

Then a couple of weeks later he starts getting calls on his phone in the middle of the night but he was just rejecting the calls, at first i didn't think much of it but then it got so regular that I asked him about it, he said it was some guy from facebook he has started speaking to!

I question him on why he gave his number to other guys he said he had given it to a few but he would really like to chat to this one from time to time. I agree as long as it didn't go too far, but the calls got so regular his phone bill which I pay for came in at 4 times the amount it usually is.
I question him and he said he didnt realise he was chatting so much to this guy and he will tell him that they wont chat as much on the phone after all he can chat on facebook as much as he wants.
Then the incoming calls increased where I said ok this guy is either taking the piss as he knows your in a relationship or he is seriously trying to come between us, he said he will talk to the guy about it, the next day he said he spoke to him and the guy yelled at him saying block me if you want... so my bf did.

I then said look I don't mind you chatting to guys on facebook but turn down the leading on and giving out your number he promised he would and now....
Another guy keeps calling him, I ask him, he said I know I promised but I really like this guy and would like to be his friend then now the guy has invited my boyfriend to visit him for a weekend and my boyfriend has agreed.
He tells me the guy knows we are in a relationship and he would never try anything to change that, he has known this guy a couple of weeks tops, He calls my boyfriend on the phone and when my boyfriend isn't on facebook the guy is leaving posts saying where is ***** I miss him, my boyfriend calls him handsome all the time in his posts and the guy calls my boyfriend sexy.

When I said I didnt want my boyfriend to go visit him he tells me he feels like I can't trust him!
Now he has booked to go and I am at the verge of what do I do?
Do i let him go and stress all weekend or do I just cut my losses and try to move on without him?
Whenever I bring it up and want to tell my boyfriend that I really don't feel comfortable with him doing this he gets all moody and I feel guilty and give in.

I really don't feel comfortable with it? Am I wrong? am i being over cautious?
I personally respect my BF too much to flirt and give out my number to other guys never mind going to visit one I only met online nevermind for a weekend! but maybe thats just me?

Please any and all advice would be awesome right now.

Cheers
T

This is a very hard situation cause you have to know do you trust him enough to do the right thing or not.
Going by all of this it would make me very suspecious and I would be asking a lot of questions. I would suggest talking to him again, calmly, just ask him to sit down because you want to talk - not argue - talk. Then tell him how all of this is making you feel, tell him that you feel he is trying to hide all of this which makes you more suspicious that something is going on. Tell him that you dont mind him making friends online, in person or anything like that, but when he is flirting with them and buying them things its a new story.
Explain that you are on the edge and you are considering breaking up with him, let him know how bad this is making you feel, but you just see no other way.
If he wants to meet someone he talks to online, try and go with him to meet them, this way the other guy wont try anything and you can keep an eye on your boyfriend.
Remember - when talking to him dont raise your voice at all, even if he does, keep calm, remain seated and if he gets angry just be quiet and then ask him to please sit down you just want to talk about this and get it cleared up.
If things still continue and he doesnt want to talk or anything then chances are he is cheating on you, or at least considering it. I would only give him a couple more chances to prove he loves you and only you and then I would personally end the relationship no matter how hard it is.

[088888]

Seriously I think your boyfriend is just taking your forgiveness for granted. He knows clearly no matter how many times or how far he cheats on you, or maybe he's just doing something hurts you awfully, if he begs you afterward you'll still forgive him. If you continue with him, I believe stuff like these will keep on happening down the road. So why don't you just give yourself a chance to find someone else instead of being the victim all the time?

[azulai]

To me, there's emotional fidelity as well as physical fidelity in a relationship. Your bf has already been unfaithful whether he's physically been with someone or not.

You could definitely have a sit down and discuss things but it just seems like it's progressed way beyond that. I'm sorry but he just seems to be taking advantage of you. Paying a phone bill that was 4 times the usual amount? Why isn't he paying that?

I think the guy is pushing you and seeing how far he can get away with stuff. Really? Staying the weekend with a friend he met online? They're going to play video games, right?

This guy is going to bring home an STD and then he's going to cry when YOU test positive. Then you are going to spend the rest of your life continuing to take care of him.

It may be difficult to cut it now, but I would start getting all your financial stuff separate when he goes on his weekend trip and just start working toward YOUR liberation!

Sorry, I don't mean to be mean but I really think you are being taken advantage of. You deserve to be loved fully and sincerely.

MrSE1, welcome to GS. Sorry it's under such circumstances that you have arrived here.

I'm sorry to say it, but from an outside point of view, there are a TON of warning signs here. Your BF is not respecting you and the way you feel at all. Having brought the issues up many times now and him having betrayed his promises, I can't honestly see him keeping them in the future.

You are very generous to forgive him so many times. Cheers to you for that! But you've set up a pattern. He thinks he can get away with murder as long as his apology follows. He's been betraying your trust for a long time now and it doesn't look like that will change. If you take your "love blinders" off, you may see this.

Ultimately, the choice is up to you, but if I were you, I'd get myself in order to ultimately part as it seems like an inevitable outcome.

Good luck mate.

[LateBloomer]

Somebody once defined cheating (infidelity) as: "If you're doing something that you wouldn't do with me in the room standing next to you, then you're cheating on me."

Cheating isn't just about sex.

It's about having all your cards on the table available for inspection. If he's got some cards up his sleeve then you're playing a rigged game.

Good luck.

[pellaz]

have an affair and enjoy your self. After a while tell him to move on because you need the space in your life back.

[Pix]

He sounds like a cheater who has little concern for what you feel and very poor impulse control. If it were me I'd drop him, and given his lack of impulse control I'd make sure the stuff I really wanted to keep (that's mine, of course, and no holding stuff "for compensation" or to "get back at" at the person as that just makes a bad sitch worse) wasn't in easy reach when he got his things.

In fact, if it were me I'd let him go and then pack his things for him while he was gone for him and tell him to get out (if he stays, make sure it's out of your bed and stuff and that he's committed to finding another place). Telling him in advance seems ok, but I wouldn't put up with any pouting...I'd insist he'd go and be ready to leave when he gets back because he's leaving anyway.

[princealbertofb]

Originally Posted by LateBloomer

Somebody once defined cheating (infidelity) as: "If you're doing something that you wouldn't do with me in the room standing next to you, then you're cheating on me."

Cheating isn't just about sex.

It's about having all your cards on the table available for inspection. If he's got some cards up his sleeve then you're playing a rigged game.

Good luck.

Shouldn't that read FIDELITY is having all your cards on the table available for inspection?

[Rainbowmum]

Hello T,
First let me say welcome to the forum .

I so dearly wish I could tell you what to do , but I can't , no one here can.
Are you being paranoid ? No you are not.

Cheating is not just a physical thing, it's also emotional and very deceitful.
Every relationship has boundaries and cornerstones that the relationship is built on.
One of the most important cornerstone is that of trust.

You both need to sit down and talk about this.
It's not going to be easy ,especially if the dishonesty continues.

One of the things you must talk about is how this makes you feel.
It is important that your partner knows how his behavior is affecting you and the relationship.

You must also set some new boundaries of acceptance.
Easier said than done , as you both have to agree to this ,and approach it with honesty and respect.

I would like to see you address the flirting issue , what is and is not acceptable.
What he thinks about , what is crossing the line.

With you being his first , it's only natural that he will be curious , what is not acceptable is him acting on that curiosity and doing so deceptively.

We are all here for you .

[LateBloomer]

Originally Posted by princealbertofb

Shouldn't that read FIDELITY is having all your cards on the table available for inspection?

I understand the ambiguity. I could have picked my words better, but I was in a rush.

But I think the larger point is pretty clear.

[princealbertofb]

True, LateBloomer, true.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If it was me.

I would print up the amazon bill, print up the face book page, and whatever other evidence you have fix the BF a nice meal, and once he is half way through the meal drop the proof before him and tell him he has to the end of the meal to decide how he wants to spin this.

Then sit there and watch him sweat.

I'm sorry, but with all of this evidence what can he say that would make this better?

The reality is he has cheated on you - maybe not with sex with anyone, but he has cheated on you emotionally - which is as bad, if not worse, than him sleeping around with random men.

Having been cheated on before, my take was to always walk. That meant I left behind a lot of nice things just to put a bit of distance between me and the bad guy - distance like a few states.

The last person who cheated on me I decided I wasn't going to walk, so I decided to try couple's counseling and trying to salvage our relationship. The thing with this last is he came home with HIV and it was nearly 5 years after the sexual cheating that he 'confessed' his crime to me.

Even though we have done lots of couple's counseling, the reality is I have not fully forgiven him, and its been about a decade since the confession. Yes, not a day doesn't go by where I do not remember he cheated on me once, and I have to work to see innocent things as being 'just innocent' and not blowing it up into another cheating.

Trust him - oh hardly ever. I show him trust even when everything inside of me screams he can't be trusted.

The only reason why I am still in the relationship I am in is because my partner also has a drug addiction, and using meth and having sex is the whole addiction thing he has going on - so his 'excuse' was pretty reasonable, that he relapsed in drugs and in his old drug behaviors. As far as I know he wouldn't cheat on me when clean and sober. Oh I could be wrong on that.

Most couple's try to live with cheating on the record - only a few actually manage to make it work.

I would strongly suggest you get a couple's counselor to precede from this point forward if you have any interest whatsoever in 'working it out'.

Seems to me you have plenty of evidence that points at his willingness to cheat on you, and since you are not taking it well I can only assume there was a promise of monogamy here.

IF he is really willing to work on this relationship and actually change his behaviors, he will agree to couple's counseling. If he doesn't agree to the counseling then he most likely isn't that into saving the relationship.

[DarkDaisuke]

Honestly; drop him like a bad habit. He's been given more than enough chances and is just abusing you at this point my god. There's a difference between being walked on and being forgiving. I know; Ive let this sort of thing happen in a way. Believe me you are his first but he obviously isn't ready for a relationship or a serious one at that... He obviously wants to play around still :/

You have to decide where the line is for you...it is different for each of us. Take this time to get to know yourself a bit better...forget about him for the moment.

He has a problem (maybe pathological or compulsive in nature)...probably deeply rooted...and you need to understand that he will continue with this behavior which brings me back to my initial point...figure out where your line is....

I don't like to do the Debbie Downer shtick too often but in this case....I will make an exception...this guy is seriously disrespecting you.