Feeling less defensive at gay bars - how to do it?

[LateBloomer]

Originally Posted by Drew

Hey, thanks for the advice, everyone.

Some of the info is pretty good, some missed my point.

I've tried being friendly before, but have been slovenly groped by disgusting men (I stupidly went home with one a while ago and he threatened to rape me...that incident still spooks me to this day). I think I automatically think "guy talking to me = sloppy drunk who wants me as an object and nothing more" while I'm sitting at the bar because of that.

And I hate being unfriendly, because naturally I'm fairly confident and sociable in other setting (at work, during the hikes, whatever). There's something about the bars that makes me clam up when I'm there alone.

I'm going to double down and try to not have that attitude next time I go. i also like the advice about finding bars outside my area that I may find more comfortable/to my liking and sticking closer to the bar tender.

I like the "uh, excuse me, I have to use the rest room real quick" to get away from cruisers that Late Bloomer suggests

It's frustrating, but it's something I'm going to have to overcome if I wanna meet the love of my life.

Thanks!

I'd like to respond to the part in bold. First, I understand you had a bad experience with a drunk and you really don't want to put yourself in a position for another similar experience. I totally understand that.

But! It kind of reminded me of some logic I used to use in order to sabotage myself and others. It was my defense mechanism so that there was little chance of anyone making any connection.

It went like this...

Someone would show some interest in me. They might express an appreciation in what I was saying or how I looked or something I had done. In my head, I would automatically think they have the wrong impression of me. I'm really NOT that interesting; nor that good looking; nor that skillful. Therefore I need to nip this in the bud before they find out who I really am.

Is it any wonder I stayed single for so long?

Fundamentally, it was a self esteem issue (just speaking for myself here, Drew. Maybe you can relate to this story, maybe not, but I'm putting it out there for you).

When my self esteem was sub-zero I could never believe that anyone could experience a genuine attraction or appreciation for me. And I was so scared of anyone finding out how screwed up I was I became an expert at sabotage.

I'm just wondering if maybe a little of this same dynamic isn't at work inside your head. You're obviously good looking, intelligent, all around quality guy. Why aren't you letting people get closer to you?

LB

[GayDatingExpert]

Hi there, keep on doing what you are doing, following your interests, there are a whole host of gay groups that do what you like to do, or various differing ages groups. If you meet a party boy who you click with, would you be happy to spend the weekends standing around in the bars and clubs around town? Or would your party boy be happy to go along to you enjoyed events?

Finding a soul mate isn't easy, but finding him within the structure of what you enjoy will be easier than doing something that you're not too keen on.