How do you know? - Page 3 - GaySpeak Gay Forums | Online Friends Community

pellaz · 16th July 2012

It's good and bad the wife dosnt want to let go, think of it as a compliment. How many times you hear gayspeak members advice to toss the gay cheating partner to the curb.

Dating my first gay man was an eye opener. I found out gay or straight relationships are mostly the same. At least you have a good friend with your wife, after 13years you would be lucky to have that in a gay relationship.

pellaz · 16th July 2012

Do you, could you wear a condom with the wife? Don't know why you need to tell him anything. A friends+ situation with this man, you would not want to bring something like the HIV home?

archubbycub · 16th July 2012

I didn't say I was going to "hook up" with him tonight, just that I was going to tell him the truth. I think I owe him that, simply because he has been such a good friend in the short amount of time I've had to get to know him. That way if he is no longer comfortable in "goofing around" like we've been doing he will have that option to stop.

archubbycub · 17th July 2012

Ok so I spoke to him last night, and OMG!! It was amazing! I'm not going to go into great detail, but the long and short of it was he told me he never suspected that I was gay but he was glad I told him because he had been going through the same thing! It was such a relief to finally talk to someone who truly understands face to face!

monk · 18th July 2012

Quote:

Originally Posted by archubbycub

Ok so I spoke to him last night, and OMG!! It was amazing! I'm not going to go into great detail, but the long and short of it was he told me he never suspected that I was gay but he was glad I told him because he had been going through the same thing! It was such a relief to finally talk to someone who truly understands face to face!

Makes a hell of a difference, doesn't it?

archubbycub · 18th July 2012

Monk -- yes it does make a difference. I think I may be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

princealbertofb · 18th July 2012

Quote:

Originally Posted by pellaz

Do you, could you wear a condom with the wife? Don't know why you need to tell him anything. A friends+ situation with this man, you would not want to bring something like the HIV home?

On the other hand, if he wears a condom with his male partner(s) and not with the wife, it should still be ok-ish? That is, if there are no mishaps with the condoms.

princealbertofb · 18th July 2012

A positive outcome... Everything seems to get better once you get talking... and getting in touch with both your emotions and your libido... It does make a difference. Well done, and good luck with the progress you're making.

archubbycub · 18th July 2012

Well I'm hoping that the wife won't be a problem too much longer. But he told me last night he would wait as long as it takes to be with me.

monk · 19th July 2012

^ He sounds like a really great guy!

archubbycub · 19th July 2012

Monk - he is! And, not trying tone one to kiss and tell, but last night he and I kissed for the first time! He told me he had never really been kissed by anyone before and of course I had never kissed a guy like that either! It was amazing!

archubbycub · 19th July 2012

Omg!!! I have found such a sweetheart of a guy! It's almost too good to be true! I've been feeling a bit insecure today, thinkin about everything that is going on and all, and he and I have been talking back and forth over FB all day.

I told him that I was scared about how fast this was moving and that I hope he dosen't get hurt by all of this because he is such a great guy and deserves someone he can be with right now. He told me he doesn't want anyone else and that if he had to wait for all eternity to be together he would!

I know some of you might say he's young and this is all new to the both of us. You might even say give it time it will fade away, but there is just something about the way he says he's willing to wait and the way he looks at me when we're together that makes me believe him. He gives me hope and courage to face all of my inner (and outer) demons. I've honestly never met anyone like this guy before.

And there's more there than just a physical desire to be with him. Just to be in the same room with him, to hear his voice, to see him smile! It lights up my life. Looking back over the last 20 years of my life, not even my wife had done that for me!

19th July 2012

And there's more there than just a physical desire to be with him. Just to be in the same room with him, to hear his voice, to see him smile! It lights up my life. Looking back over the last 20 years of my life, not even my wife had done that for me!

I know the feeling well...congrats to you! Enjoy every minute of it....nothing else quite like it.

archubbycub · 19th July 2012

Quote:

Originally Posted by East

And there's more there than just a physical desire to be with him. Just to be in the same room with him, to hear his voice, to see him smile! It lights up my life. Looking back over the last 20 years of my life, not even my wife had done that for me!

I know the feeling well...congrats to you! Enjoy every minute of it....nothing else quite like it.

It's something I don't think I've ever felt. And honestly I never thought I would!

OlderButWiser · 21st July 2012

I'm new to the forum, but have been reading your "coming out" story with some emotion I have to say.

I completely empathise with the situation you find yourself in, and the struggle you've had to overcome to reach the point you are at today. I was 36 when I came out, had been married 13 years and had two young children (and in the military) so when I say empathise I really mean it.

Congratulations on everything you've achieved so far. To fight with your inner self for so long, then finally share that dark secret with people close to you is such a brave thing to do, and then share the day to day experience and pain you've gone through since then has brought my experience flooding back to me.

What your wife is going through is the perfectly normal cycle of her coming to terms with what your sexuality means to her and the family. I've been there. I know how lonely and depressing it can seem at times. The good news is that it won't last forever.

I'm still friends with my wife to this day. When we eventually talked about the day I told her I was gay (and it was some years later) she told me it was as like a bereavement. Her best friend, lover, father to her children had died right there in front of her. But was still there alive and kicking. Part of her bereavement process (and a completely natural one) was not wanting to let go, so we struggled on "for the sake of the children" for some months afterwards. But for me it was emotionally draining and I eventually decided to leave. I'm lucky in that her bereavement didn't turn into vindictiveness, which seems to be the cycle your caught in at the moment.

I would just like to sound a note of caution about your latest "breakthrough" however.

I understand (because I've been in the same situation) the emotions your going through right now. The fact is its so refreshing/invigorating/releasing to finally, after all these years, have someone who you actually know and who you've told about your sexuality, and who has shown an interest in you that you can get swept up in the wave of emotions your feeling for this guy right now, you just have to pause a little and take a step back.

What you really (REALLY) need right now is someone whose there for you and whose shoulder you can lean on when things get emotionally difficult. And they will.

You should ask yourself if he's an infatuation for the short term, or can he provide you with the level of mature emotional support your going to need over the comming months. I'm going to be somewhat brutal here, and I hope you take it as advice. It's very easy, given your current emotional state, to fall in love and become infatuated with the "first post comming out" gay guy you talk to. Especially if he's giving you the right messages and telling you what you want to hear. It can (could) all end in tears and set you back emotionally somewhat, causing you to question everything all over again. I know as that's what happened to me.

I also have a rule that I don't date guys I work with in any capacity. Things can get complicated (and emotional/hurtful/embarrassing) very quickly if the relationship falters for whatever reason. So just bare that in mind. And with you wife being backstage, I assume she also knows the people you work with, so that could also complicate matters a little further down the line.

I think you have been immensely brave to take the steps you have and share them with everyone here.

Welcome to the first few days of the rest of your life!

XxX

16th July 2012	#31
pellaz Changeable User Title Join Date: Aug 2011 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in Colotado (USA) Age: 58 (Starsign: Libra) Posts: 3,629	It's good and bad the wife dosnt want to let go, think of it as a compliment. How many times you hear gayspeak members advice to toss the gay cheating partner to the curb. Dating my first gay man was an eye opener. I found out gay or straight relationships are mostly the same. At least you have a good friend with your wife, after 13years you would be lucky to have that in a gay relationship. __________________ Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

16th July 2012	#32
pellaz Changeable User Title Join Date: Aug 2011 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in Colotado (USA) Age: 58 (Starsign: Libra) Posts: 3,629	Do you, could you wear a condom with the wife? Don't know why you need to tell him anything. A friends+ situation with this man, you would not want to bring something like the HIV home? __________________ Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

19th July 2012	#40
monk carpe diem Join Date: Jan 2012 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in London (UK - England) Age: 60 (Starsign: Leo) Posts: 12,942 My Mood:	^ He sounds like a really great guy! __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.

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16th July 2012	#33
archubbycub Godlike Join Date: Jun 2012 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in El Dorado (USA) Age: 35 (Starsign: Virgo) Posts: 734 My Mood:	I didn't say I was going to "hook up" with him tonight, just that I was going to tell him the truth. I think I owe him that, simply because he has been such a good friend in the short amount of time I've had to get to know him. That way if he is no longer comfortable in "goofing around" like we've been doing he will have that option to stop.

17th July 2012	#34
archubbycub Godlike Join Date: Jun 2012 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in El Dorado (USA) Age: 35 (Starsign: Virgo) Posts: 734 My Mood:	Ok so I spoke to him last night, and OMG!! It was amazing! I'm not going to go into great detail, but the long and short of it was he told me he never suspected that I was gay but he was glad I told him because he had been going through the same thing! It was such a relief to finally talk to someone who truly understands face to face!

18th July 2012	#36
archubbycub Godlike Join Date: Jun 2012 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in El Dorado (USA) Age: 35 (Starsign: Virgo) Posts: 734 My Mood:	Monk -- yes it does make a difference. I think I may be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

18th July 2012	#38
princealbertofb King of the Word??? Join Date: Jan 2008 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in Near Geneva (Switzerland) (France) Age: 53 (Starsign: Cancer) Posts: 11,843	A positive outcome... Everything seems to get better once you get talking... and getting in touch with both your emotions and your libido... It does make a difference. Well done, and good luck with the progress you're making.

19th July 2012	#43
East Self-deleted account... Posts: n/a	And there's more there than just a physical desire to be with him. Just to be in the same room with him, to hear his voice, to see him smile! It lights up my life. Looking back over the last 20 years of my life, not even my wife had done that for me! I know the feeling well...congrats to you! Enjoy every minute of it....nothing else quite like it.

21st July 2012	#45
OlderButWiser Godlike Join Date: Jun 2012 Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship in London UK (home) & Nairobi Kenya (currently) Sydney Aus (Work) (UK - England) Posts: 604 My Mood:	I'm new to the forum, but have been reading your "coming out" story with some emotion I have to say. I completely empathise with the situation you find yourself in, and the struggle you've had to overcome to reach the point you are at today. I was 36 when I came out, had been married 13 years and had two young children (and in the military) so when I say empathise I really mean it. Congratulations on everything you've achieved so far. To fight with your inner self for so long, then finally share that dark secret with people close to you is such a brave thing to do, and then share the day to day experience and pain you've gone through since then has brought my experience flooding back to me. What your wife is going through is the perfectly normal cycle of her coming to terms with what your sexuality means to her and the family. I've been there. I know how lonely and depressing it can seem at times. The good news is that it won't last forever. I'm still friends with my wife to this day. When we eventually talked about the day I told her I was gay (and it was some years later) she told me it was as like a bereavement. Her best friend, lover, father to her children had died right there in front of her. But was still there alive and kicking. Part of her bereavement process (and a completely natural one) was not wanting to let go, so we struggled on "for the sake of the children" for some months afterwards. But for me it was emotionally draining and I eventually decided to leave. I'm lucky in that her bereavement didn't turn into vindictiveness, which seems to be the cycle your caught in at the moment. I would just like to sound a note of caution about your latest "breakthrough" however. I understand (because I've been in the same situation) the emotions your going through right now. The fact is its so refreshing/invigorating/releasing to finally, after all these years, have someone who you actually know and who you've told about your sexuality, and who has shown an interest in you that you can get swept up in the wave of emotions your feeling for this guy right now, you just have to pause a little and take a step back. What you really (REALLY) need right now is someone whose there for you and whose shoulder you can lean on when things get emotionally difficult. And they will. You should ask yourself if he's an infatuation for the short term, or can he provide you with the level of mature emotional support your going to need over the comming months. I'm going to be somewhat brutal here, and I hope you take it as advice. It's very easy, given your current emotional state, to fall in love and become infatuated with the "first post comming out" gay guy you talk to. Especially if he's giving you the right messages and telling you what you want to hear. It can (could) all end in tears and set you back emotionally somewhat, causing you to question everything all over again. I know as that's what happened to me. I also have a rule that I don't date guys I work with in any capacity. Things can get complicated (and emotional/hurtful/embarrassing) very quickly if the relationship falters for whatever reason. So just bare that in mind. And with you wife being backstage, I assume she also knows the people you work with, so that could also complicate matters a little further down the line. I think you have been immensely brave to take the steps you have and share them with everyone here. Welcome to the first few days of the rest of your life! XxX