Need some advice.

[Varanus]

Hey guys and gals.
My names Lewis and this is my first post on this forum although I have been a member here for a fair few days now and need a bit of advice as what I'm going through seems so confusing.
If I've posted this in the wrong section I appolagize in advance.
So I'll give use a tad of info about me, I'm in the closet and a gay man and a only out to three people all up two being really good friends who are gay them selfs and Bill.

Basically I meet this bloke at a local beat in my home town, let's just call him Bill.
So I met bill up at this beat one night and everything seemed to be going good with us it was really passionate and a great time so at the end we exchanged phone numbers and soon after I received a text telling me thanks for tonight that he really enjoyed himself and would like to meet up again some time.
So we meet up that same week again and every week after as well at least twice a week.
After the 5th time seeing him he explained to me that he usually doesn't see anyone after the 3rd time because he gets bored with them well it's now been 46 times and counting lol.
We've begun to get to know each other a lot better telling each other about our lives and past relationships and what not.
From time to time he tells me that he doesn't think he would want to enter a relationship again due to past problems with cheating being a major issue for him and he has asked me on occasion about what I think a relationship is about and I've told him twice now what it means to me and that includes being faithful to your partner and his response has always been that's good Lewis it's good to see someone so young with these values.
Now for me it's begun to get to the point where I'm actually having strong feelings for him and there's not a day that goes by I don't think of him I actually think I do love him.
I've wanted to tell him how I feel for such a long time now and I just can't seem to do it since I feel if I go there it's going to destroy what we've got going and that scares me the thought of loosing him.
It's now got to the point where he has invited me down for a weekend out and as have I, we've slept over a fair few times now together as well which apparently hasn't happened since since his last break up over 3 years ago and that he really enjoys it.
I just don't know what to do since I've never felt this way about a bloke and the last person I felt like this towards was my ex girlfriend of 3 years, I really do enjoy the limited time we get to spend together due to our jobs mine mainly since its on 2 week rosters with only 1 off.
I'm just so confused and am trying to think if he feels the same way or of this is just a one sided thing and as I said before I just don't know if I should tell him and risk loosing everything I've got going with him.
What do all you lot think about this situation?
I'm very sorry for such a long post.
Have a nice night.
Lewis.

[Dan1980]

Hi Lewis go with your heart. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. We all deserve true love.

[pellaz]

Originally Posted by Varanus

... and every week after as well at least twice a week.
After the 5th time seeing him he explained to me that he usually doesn't see anyone after the 3rd time because he gets bored with them well it's now been 46 times and counting ...

so who's counting?
Take care of your man, and stop counting. I think you have a good thing going, enjoy every time your with him and be there for him. You have a lot of people jealous.

Be able to talk with your boy friend and invite him to be closer. Compliment him, tell him how fabulous he is.

[warmpixels]

If 'Bill' has commitment issues, it's going to be hard work on a relationship that requires a ton of patience and years of expensive therapy. You should set aside your feelings and think about it only in sheer practical terms.

Good luck!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If someone cheated on him then Bill is a Broken Toy, damaged goods - whatever you want to call it.

And not broken in a way were you need to run screaming for the hills, but in ways where he will never (for the rest of this life at least) be able to fully trust again.

Being unwilling to get involved and into a new relationship takes on new risks - huge risks where if he hasn't worked on those issues from the past cheating event, he most likely will ultimately shatter the relationship as his hind mind (that animal mind where irrational emotions flood out of) will cause his rational mind to do all manner of 'insane' things in a poor attempt to prevent being hurt again.

Being betrayed can be as emotionally devastating as being raped.

Unlike rape, society doesn't take the emotional damage of a cheating seriously and expects the person who has had their trust betrayed to 'get over it' and move on.

There are lots of sites out there dealing with this issue from the victim's side: [Only registered members can see links. ]

I strongly suggest you study the subject, get a victim's perspective and try to understand were Bill is.

The fact that he has seen you for the third time 46+ times is telling that he really wants to trust you - at least intellectually. He most likely has deep feelings for you and wants more, but he is struggling with his hind-mind that is trying to protect itself/him from further emotional harm.

Honesty is something he needs. I would be honest and open as possible, without drilling ideas in his head. DO NOT think that you can tell him 'I won't cheat on you' dozens of times is going to make it easier. It won't, if anything it will make his hind-mind distrust you further. After all the person who cheated on him most likely said over and over again 'I'm not cheating.' Thus repetition of the idea is a symptom of cheating/potential cheating.

DO tell him how you feel, but start off telling him that most important to you is not breaking (losing) what you two have right now.

DO NOT push for answers. Thus tell him you are not expecting an answer or reply right now that he has all the time in the world to think it over and you understand that he needs to think it through.

I assure you, as soon as you do tell him your deeper feelings, his hind-mind is going to start whispering all sorts of terrible things. You cannot over talk his hind mind - Let Bill's rational mind work on it.

[Varanus]

Thanks for the reply's.
It just seems all so awkward know, I feel lucky to be sharing parts of my life with this amazing person but I just feel that parts of me want more out of this and I know if I bring up the subject with him it's just going to end bad or it could end with positive results I'll just never know until I try.

I ended my last relationship of just over 3 years due to the woman cheating on me so I do have some sort of trust issues myself but in saying that after seeing "bill" now for the past few months I've lost any issues of trust that I would have had a few months a go.

After thinking about this for the past 2 weeks I'm thinking I'm not going to bring up the subject of a "relationship" and just let it grow into what ever it is going to end up into
As I don't want to force anything or fuck anything up so I think by not saying anything and let it blossom over time will end out better not just for me but the both of us.

[Dan1980]

I wish you all the Best Lewis. Take each day as it comes and see what happens down the line.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Lewis welcome.

46 times huh?
That speaks volumes , but don't move too fast , let him dictate the pace for now.
It sounds like he is testing the water again , Bowyn is spot on describing how devastating cheating can be.

If you can give him time , keep reassuring him ,and above all else stay truthful.
Good luck with it all .

Here for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Originally Posted by Varanus

I ended my last relationship of just over 3 years due to the woman cheating on me so I do have some sort of trust issues myself but in saying that after seeing "bill" now for the past few months I've lost any issues of trust that I would have had a few months a go.

Robot is screaming 'Danger! Warning!" right now.

I doubt you have "lost" those trust issues. We don't lose those events that mold us and make us who we are. Betrayal of trust is as big as death and is a huge molding/making event in our lives. You don't just lose the grief of a death, and for most people they carry a bit of that grief with them for the rest of their lives. You don't just lose trust issues, and you carry a bit of them for the rest of your life.

I suspect you have buried/hidden (for a time) those feelings, maybe even deluding yourself into thinking that since Bill is male its not the same thing or the same risks as being with a woman.

The problem with burying/hiding feelings is that when they come back they come back fast and furious.

I can think of a few therapists who would love to have to sit on their couch a few sessions to explore this more....

[Varanus]

Bowyen,
Oh trust me when I say I think being in a gay relationship is a lot riskier than a heterosexual relationship.
In my short time just over two years of accepting myself for who I am I've discovered a lot of gay men are just vial pigs who use sex as a commodity because they've got nothing better to offer and hence the higher risk category.

Yes I may be hiding those feelings and my own trust issues myself but that's how I've always delt with stressfull situations wether that's good or not who is there to judge we all deal with our issues differently.

Just an update on the whole situation, yesterday we went out for dinner "as friends" an then he has asked me to do something on Saturday with him I havnt seen him for just around 2 weeks yesterday due to work and every time we don't see each other that long he is always like did you miss me? How much did you miss me? Lol

I finally think I'm going to tell him tomorrow just how much I've missed him and that I've fallen for him so hard (I don't want to use the love word to soon) and when I say soon it's now just 2 months shy of a year sinc the day we first met I forgot about that but he reminded me yesterday.

Wow this is all still so confusing thought because one minute I get the impression he does care for me and wants to take us further but then the next minute where so distanced.
It's like do I take a chance on him and have my heart ripped out in the process and it's not like I can talk with my friends about this because none of the know about my sexuality.

Another thing that has me all so worried is the age gap of 22 years between us Is it possible to have a good, lasting relationship with such a huge gap?

[TomStatic]

me personally
i would just wait untill he said something first
by waiting meaning if the wait is to long to wait
then just come out with it
and if the feeling aint mutal fuck him ,
it would be a learning expereince for you
either way whatever the outcome you will become strongier