"unaccepting perents" thing

I've finally just come to terms with my sexuality and don't know what to do now. My parents are both VERY religious and would kick me out in a heartbeat if they knew i was gay. I want to be with a man sooo bad but I would also really prefer to not be disowned. Any advice please?

This kind of story makes me angry and sad. I don't think I'll ever understand parents who would throw their offspring out through sheer, blind prejudice. Living in the closet puts pressure on you, but while you are living under their roof it might help keep the peace if you carry on as you are. Are you able to get a place of your own? There is a school of thought that suggests they should learn to deal with the real world, another that it's none of their business although, when you have a boyfriend might be a time when you will need to come out.

I don't envy you the walking on eggshells bit. Good luck.

[fredv3b]

Originally Posted by closet coffee guy

My parents are both VERY religious and would kick me out in a heartbeat if they knew i was gay.

Difficult to give advice without knowing more about the situation e.g. how old are you? However do you really think they would find it that easy to throw you out?

currently I'm 20, turning 21 soon. however at this point i'm in no position to move out unfortunately. I would love nothing more than to share a place with another man. I've finally just stopped denying my sexuality and my current thoughts are scrambled as hell...i dunno where to start and my parents only add to the trouble

It's probably not what you want to hear, but if you really think they'd kick you out; I'd probably not tell them until you felt you were in a position to move out should they kick you out.

But at the same time, are you sure they'd be against it? A lot of christians - even strict ones - are starting to become more acceptant of homosexuality. It might be a stupid question, but do you know their views on the subject? They might not be as bad as you think, if you haven't already maybe you should test the water and see how they react?

Don't involve yourself with it, but maybe just find a news article about a gay guy - or something xD - and talk to them about it. See if they're normal or weird about it.

I know that some Christians are more accepting nowadays but strict Christians? The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury do not give a lot of reason to be optimistic. The Pope finds it easy enough to reconcile his conscience with his membership of the Hitler Youth and the Archbishop of Canterbury is quite accepting of sharia law courts in the UK. But both find homosexuality much more of a problem. You know your parents and I feel fairly sure you know what their reaction would be. And probably sexual matters are not what they normally talk about round the dinner table or anywhere else. We all know what people mean when they say, ”I have this friend who is gay and …..” But you have survived in your parents’ house for more than 20 years now. You know the rules of the game. You say “Yes, I agree” and look down at your dinner. This is not being hypocritical: they are the hypocritical ones.
So you have a problem but not one that you cannot cope with for a little bit longer. The last thing you need now is to become homeless as well. So be a good boy at home and book a flight to Ibiza for next summer's holidays. After all the best way to learn Spanish is between the sheets! And don’t forget to pack some condoms.
I’m sorry if I sound cynical. I sincerely wish you lots of luck.

From what you have said, your parents religious beliefs seem to be stronger then their love for you. If they can not accept you as a gay person then you have to decide what it best for you. If you want to live the way you want to, you need to move on. Leave home, find a place, move in with someone or find a job with accommodation. Stay in the closet until you can get out, saves a lot of grief to all parties. Just hang in there mate and I hope it works out for you

thanks everybody for all the advice, it is incredibly helpful. it seems i have no choice but to stay in the closet for the time being =/ until i can move out on my own i need their support. i would really like to have a relationship started before moving in with somebody though and i would feel terrible having to keep him a secret. is that unfair/uncommon?

Glad we could help, its going to be tough on you to keep the peace. Regarding finding someone, you don't have to keep him hidden away from your folks, just acted like good friends around them. Good luck mate.

Originally Posted by closet coffee guy

... i would really like to have a relationship started before moving in with somebody though and i would feel terrible having to keep him a secret. is that unfair/uncommon?

It may not be as common as it once was, but it is unfair on the other person. PA and I were together for a while before he was able to talk to his mother and I know how I felt ... specially since it had already taken such a personal toll on me to come crashing out of the closet, taking the door off its hinges and making a hole in the wall, in middle age

Of course it makes sense to have something going before you decide to move in with a partner, but there are other living arrangements too ... I realise your expression may be borne of desperation, but be a bit wary that your preoccupation with a need for the partner doesn't blind you to the possibilities of other sorts of relationships, including friendships.

All the best

yeah i agree completely. I'm not about to go rushing into a relationship, i joined here so i could talk with people and make new friends like myself that won't judge me for my choices. Pretty much everyone i know is straight except for one person so i'm definitely looking for more than just a partner. first things first

[fredv3b]

Originally Posted by peterinmalaga

The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury do not give a lot of reason to be optimistic. The Pope finds it easy enough to reconcile his conscience with his membership of the Hitler Youth and the Archbishop of Canterbury is quite accepting of sharia law courts in the UK. But both find homosexuality much more of a problem.

I think you are being a bit unfair. Most boys of Ratzinger's age were members of the Hitler Youth. The Archbishop of Canterbury's position on Sharia law is that Muslims should be able to settle their disputes in accordance with Sharia law in the same way that Jews can settle theirs in accordance with Jewish Law. The Archbishop of Canterbury finds homosexuality an enormous problem, its going to split his church apart, all evidence form when he was the Bishop of Wales suggests that he is on the liberal side of the argument but is doing whatever he can to hold the fractious sides together.

My parents were very religious also, and didn't take my coming out well. They did come to terms with it though, and they love my partner like family now. When I came to them (for reference, Jimmy Carter was president) they immediately told me that I'd have to go and speak to our parish priest. I told them that if I was going to go, then they would have to come with me. So off we went, and much to their disappointment, our priest was not all fire and brimstone on my ass. He was actually quite level headed and reminded them that, while gay sex is a sin in Catholicism, love is not.

He also reminded them that it was a sin for them to stop loving me, and for me to stop loving them, so we had to work it out.

We did that by me being discrete about my sexual escapades, while they got used to the idea. Now that we're all much older we laugh about it.

I don't know how much this is going to help, but I figured that sharing my story couldn't hurt.

Good luck either way.

Originally Posted by boxerdc

... I don't know how much this is going to help, but I figured that sharing my story couldn't hurt ...

Nice to hear a tale of common sense prevailing.

Congratulations to your family

Aww thats awesome to hear stuff like that. It actually gives me hope that my parents will accept who i am once i come out to them. Thanks for the pastor quotes too!