very confused, need advice

I am a 20 year old guy and am very confused about my sexual orientation and would greatly appreciate any reply.

My life is full of contradicting gay and straight occurrences. I find my girlfriend extremely sexy and start getting an erection as soon as we kiss. But then she says that I don't look at her boobs. When I walk down the street I check out chicks asses but I also look at guys arms. I had a crush on this one short haired chick that looked like a lesbian, but she also had perfect boobs. Despite this I have always considered myself straight until a few months ago when I started to analyze my past. here are some of the things that make me think I'm gay

- I went to an all boys high school and didn't have nearly enough interaction with girls (relevant?)
- I have always had a much closer relationship to my mother than my father although I love them both and they both love me
- Often I've often had Freudian slips, especially whilst smoking weed that came out very gay eg "john you fucked me" instead of "John you fucked our assignment"
- i often fail to catch the hot chick in the corner of my eye
- I had my first girlfriend at 17
- when I was younger I found myself spending loads of money on my friends in the same way I now spend it on girls
- a couple my mates whom I've spent money on and smoked weed with think I'm gay

This is all very nice and gay but it just doesn't stack up to other things in my life:

- I get an erection from watching heterosexual porn, lesbian porn and solo female porn but not from gay porn
- my fantasies only involve girls
- I'm sure It's irrelevant but I hate clothes shopping, I play rugby (similar to grid iron), i'm very messy and I eat the fat on my steak (although I spose there are loads of gay dudes that do this
- when I'm with my girlfriend this issue seems silly and it feels obvious that I'm straight
- I was in love (albeit young love) with my first girlfriend
- gay sex looks yuk to me.

the uncertainty is really getting to me and at the moment it is all that occupies my mind. I'm not going to lie, being gay would compromise parts of my life style, some of my friends, possibly my relationship with my parent and future plans such as having kids of my own. This is big and I am scared.

please help me out and be honest I need to know.

also I found internet pages on homosexual obbsessive compuslive disorder.
one part of me is saying hocd is bullshit but another part sees a lot of parallels to my experience. let me know what you think

Originally Posted by johno doe

My life is full of contradicting gay and straight occurrences. I find my girlfriend extremely sexy and start getting an erection as soon as we kiss. But then she says that I don't look at her boobs.

Maybe you're just not into boobs. Or maybe you're just not into her boobs.

Originally Posted by johno doe

When I walk down the street I check out chicks asses but I also look at guys arms.

Why do you check out guys' arms? Do you think they're sexy? Are you imagining them wrapped around your body? Or do you wish you had muscles like the one's you're noticing? Checking out your arms alone doesn't make you gay or bi.

Originally Posted by johno doe

I had a crush on this one short haired chick that looked like a lesbian, but she also had perfect boobs.

She's still a woman. The fact that she had short hair or looked like a lesbian (what do lesbians look like, anyway?) is irrelevant.


- I went to an all boys high school and didn't have nearly enough interaction with girls (relevant?)

Irrelevant.

- I have always had a much closer relationship to my mother than my father although I love them both and they both love me

Irrelevant.

- Often I've often had Freudian slips, especially whilst smoking weed that came out very gay eg "john you fucked me" instead of "John you fucked our assignment"

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Especially if you're high. That sort of thing tends to cause people to mess up their words.

- i often fail to catch the hot chick in the corner of my eye

Irrelevant. You're not going to notice every single attractive woman that's around you. If you did, that would mean (1) you're obsessing and (2) you're never going to get anything done.

- I had my first girlfriend at 17

Irrelevant.

- when I was younger I found myself spending loads of money on my friends in the same way I now spend it on girls

Irrelevant. I spend loads of money on my nieces and nephews. It doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

- a couple my mates whom I've spent money on and smoked weed with think I'm gay

Unless they have better reasons to offer than the one's you'd offer, I think you can tell your friends to lay off the weed, because it's probably affecting their mental clarity.

- I get an erection from watching heterosexual porn, lesbian porn and solo female porn but not from gay porn

A good sign your straight.

- my fantasies only involve girls

A good sign you're straight. The only exception would be if you're forcing yourself to fantasize about girls only. I don't get the impression that's the case though.

- I'm sure It's irrelevant but I hate clothes shopping, I play rugby (similar to grid iron), i'm very messy and I eat the fat on my steak (although I spose there are loads of gay dudes that do this

All of these things are irrelevant.

- when I'm with my girlfriend this issue seems silly and it feels obvious that I'm straight

Again, this is a pretty good sign you're straight.

- I was in love (albeit young love) with my first girlfriend

A good indication your straight or bi.

- gay sex looks yuk to me.

This one's iffy. It could mean you're straight. It could also mean you're not into the kinds of sexual activities you've seen in gay porn. Not knowing (and not wanting to know) what porn you've watched and what you've seen, it's ahrd to say.

Originally Posted by johno doe

the uncertainty is really getting to me and at the moment it is all that occupies my mind.

Why?

Originally Posted by johno doe

I'm not going to lie, being gay would compromise parts of my life style, some of my friends, possibly my relationship with my parent and future plans such as having kids of my own. This is big and I am scared.

All of these things can be worked out. It's possible to have kids as a gay man, for example.

But based on what you've said, I see no reason to believe you're anything but straight. In fact, based on everything you've said, I find myself wondering why there's any question in your mind. Is there something you've not saying?

The bottom line is this: The only indication that you're gay would be that you are attracted to other guys and only other guys. The only indication that you're bi would be that you're attracted to other guys and girls. If you're only attracted to girls, then you're only attracted to girls, and that means you're straight.

Any other stuff about which parent you're closer too, not noticing every single attractive woman, or having good guy friends (providing you don't want to get physically or romantically intimate with them) is superfluous nonsense that doesn't matter.

I hope this helps.

Some straight men have gay fantasies, but are not gay. Also, I think all guys check out other guys' muscles, that's not strange either way.

My opinion is that it sounds like you might be bi
If you like sex with your girlfriend, what does it matter? As long as you're happy with what you have, there isn't a need to label it.

I know I'm gay because I'm not turned on by women, girls, or boobs. But, I still check out women on occasion, that's part of being young. Everyone and everything can be erotic in some way.

OK. Here is the just of it Guys ask me this question all the time.

A) Every guy compares himself to others whether hes gay straight bi or whatever. (reffering to you looking at guys arms)

B) We all havent different desires and sexual fantasy's. I personally think that unless you want to actually have a relationship or continuous sexual encouters with a male ( wich you dont ) then perhaps your gay or even BI. (theres nothing wrong with experimenting)

C) Your very much sexually attracted to females and perhaps your GF's tits are not what you fancy.

D) I highly doubt your gay your much more interested in girls. Do you have any desires to ever be with a male ? If yes then maybe possibly BI or Bi curious but even then im doubting it.

I hope you enjoy our website and you got the advice your looking for : )

Man, you sound just like me!

If you think you're gay, you're gay... no big deal... :-)

I disagree.

Being gay is alot more complex then being attracted to the same sex.
I think you would have to have ongoing relationships with a person of the same gender to be considered gay. To be considered bi you would have to have ongoing relationships with both sexes. To be considered curious would have to be experimenting with the same sex nothing ongoing unless you like it ( see above ) To be considered straight is to know and be comfortable with your sexuality knowing that your only into the opposite sex.

I just think of it as, if you're a man and aroused by women, that means you're straight. If men arouse you, you're gay. both, bi, neither, aesexual. or non-sexual, whichever it is i think its one of those things where the line is drawn in the eye of the beholder.

Originally Posted by curt-88

I disagree.

Being gay is alot more complex then being attracted to the same sex.
I think you would have to have ongoing relationships with a person of the same gender to be considered gay. To be considered bi you would have to have ongoing relationships with both sexes. To be considered curious would have to be experimenting with the same sex nothing ongoing unless you like it ( see above ) To be considered straight is to know and be comfortable with your sexuality knowing that your only into the opposite sex.

Is that so?

Then there is no freaking way I could be gay, is there?

Originally Posted by curt-88

I think you would have to have ongoing relationships with a person of the same gender to be considered gay.

So gay people can't be virgins? Sorry, but I'm going to disagree with you there. I was gay for eight years before I ever had sex. It was torture because I was gay and trying to deny those feelings.

Originally Posted by curt-88

To be considered bi you would have to have ongoing relationships with both sexes.

So bisexual people can't be monogamous? I know a lot of bisexual people who would be downright offended by that suggestion.

Hi Johno,

Welcome to the site and I hope you find what you are looking for here. Whilst it's easy for me to claim that it doesn't matter if one is g, l, b, t, straight or any mixture of the lot (I have a male-to-female transsexual friend who is also a lesbian - sexuality and self-identity can be very complicated!), if it worries you it is undoubtedly an issue.

The case you present for being gay is pretty slight and seems more rooted in popular straight fear than in any evidence based logic. I'd have to go along with the majority and suggest that you probably should just get on with your straight life. If your girlfriend doesn't think you look at her breasts often enough that's her problem rather than yours!

I've never heard of homosexual obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'll have to look that one up.

Originally Posted by JarredH

So gay people can't be virgins? Sorry, but I'm going to disagree with you there. I was gay for eight years before I ever had sex. It was torture because I was gay and trying to deny those feelings...

So bisexual people can't be monogamous? I know a lot of bisexual people who would be downright offended by that suggestion.

Got to agree with Jarred on both these points.

LoL ofcourse Bisexuals can be monogomous !!! I should have been more clear when i said that sorry. I didnt say bisexuals had to sleep with both sexes in a relationship. They just see both sexes but may prefer one over the other.

Originally Posted by johno doe

I am a 20 year old guy and am very confused about my sexual orientation and would greatly appreciate any reply.

My life is full of contradicting gay and straight occurrences. I find my girlfriend extremely sexy and start getting an erection as soon as we kiss. But then she says that I don't look at her boobs. When I walk down the street I check out chicks asses but I also look at guys arms. I had a crush on this one short haired chick that looked like a lesbian, but she also had perfect boobs. Despite this I have always considered myself straight until a few months ago when I started to analyze my past. here are some of the things that make me think I'm gay

- I went to an all boys high school and didn't have nearly enough interaction with girls (relevant?)
- I have always had a much closer relationship to my mother than my father although I love them both and they both love me
- Often I've often had Freudian slips, especially whilst smoking weed that came out very gay eg "john you fucked me" instead of "John you fucked our assignment"
- i often fail to catch the hot chick in the corner of my eye
- I had my first girlfriend at 17
- when I was younger I found myself spending loads of money on my friends in the same way I now spend it on girls
- a couple my mates whom I've spent money on and smoked weed with think I'm gay

This is all very nice and gay but it just doesn't stack up to other things in my life:

- I get an erection from watching heterosexual porn, lesbian porn and solo female porn but not from gay porn
- my fantasies only involve girls
- I'm sure It's irrelevant but I hate clothes shopping, I play rugby (similar to grid iron), i'm very messy and I eat the fat on my steak (although I spose there are loads of gay dudes that do this
- when I'm with my girlfriend this issue seems silly and it feels obvious that I'm straight
- I was in love (albeit young love) with my first girlfriend
- gay sex looks yuk to me.

the uncertainty is really getting to me and at the moment it is all that occupies my mind. I'm not going to lie, being gay would compromise parts of my life style, some of my friends, possibly my relationship with my parent and future plans such as having kids of my own. This is big and I am scared.

please help me out and be honest I need to know.

also I found internet pages on homosexual obbsessive compuslive disorder.
one part of me is saying hocd is bullshit but another part sees a lot of parallels to my experience. let me know what you think

Hi there I know exactly how you feel.

I am 35 and my sexuality still hasn't sorted itself out.

I'm currently in Phuket and I was at the beach yesterday and I looked around and every single man I saw was either a turn off or I was indifferent to but almost every woman I saw looked good enough to eat.

I fancied them all but the women I least fancied were young short blonde and beautiful. I find what most men like in a woman boring.

I'm usually attracted to the older women, the firm overweight women, the athletic muscley women or the boyish flat chested women and I find people who are not perfect more attractive than traditionaly attractive people.

The problem is I'm submissive and cock crazy so sex with woman is usually a total disaster.

I think I'm gay but men turn me off and women turn me on!!!! Go figure

After all these years of searching and exploring I'm still at a total loss as to what or who I am and will peobably be single all my life

Originally Posted by luke35

Hi there I know exactly how you feel.

I am 35 and my sexuality still hasn't sorted itself out ...

You poor lamb! I hope life has some jolly moments

Originally Posted by curt-88

I disagree.

Being gay is alot more complex then being attracted to the same sex.
I think you would have to have ongoing relationships with a person of the same gender to be considered gay. To be considered bi you would have to have ongoing relationships with both sexes. To be considered curious would have to be experimenting with the same sex nothing ongoing unless you like it ( see above ) To be considered straight is to know and be comfortable with your sexuality knowing that your only into the opposite sex.

I disagree. I am atracted to women and turned off by men but male genetalia is the most sexy thing ever and I'm submissive/passive so I'm not compatible sexually with most women.

In the past twenty years I have gone from a straight guy who had straight relationships but wished my female lovers were more kinky and dominant and secretly fantasised about erect cocks to a guy who is still really attracted to women but finds vanilla heterosexual sex a total turn off.

In the past few years I have only been able to have sex with kinky dominant transvestites but as soon as the illusion of femininity slips and I see the man behind the make up I lose interest.

Masculinity is not sexy too me unless there is a veneer of femininity hiding the masculinity and I fancy the pants off most women I see so I must be bi or straight and confused right?

I'm not bi because my sexual passivity makes sex with women almost impossible and as much as I fancy women I find their sexualities, needs and desires totally moribund. Women are physically attractive apart from female genetalia which I find a total turn off, men are physically unattractive apart from their genetalia which I find super horny.


In 15 years of serious sexual exploration which has taken me from the darkest fetish clubs and the kinkiest BDSM dungeons to the gay saunas of London and Bangkok I have found I feel neither gay straight or bi but sometimes all three.

But my sexuality is fluid and could change at any moment.

Total confusion.

Anyway the definition of sexuality differs depending on who you ask.

If I ask a straight man if he thinks I'm gay he will say of course I'am because I can't have sex with women and I like cock.

If I ask a gay man if he thinks I'm gay he will say of course not you fancy women not men.