Telling family about older boyfriend - help

Hi guys, just need some advice on this problem of mine,

Basically, I have been in a relationship with an older boyfriend for just under 2 years now. I am 20, he is 32, we met when I was 19 and him 30. We instantly clicked, and on the whole have been very happy with each other for the last couple of years, hardly any problems and when there was we managed to get through them and become stronger.

However, I had not told my family about him or my sexuality. I have always thought and said to my partner that I'm sure they would accept me being gay but would not accept this age gap, especially my Mum who is quite an emotional person.

Well on Saturday, as I was heading out to Gay Pride, I managed to build up the courage to tell my brother (25) everything. He was accepting of the gay part, and said that he had guessed already, but that he doesn't think the others have. However, he didn't know about my relationship and was shocked that I have had a guy for 2 years, and even more shocked at his age. He said that it is an issue, and that our parents would freak out. He told me later on msn that he has some advice for me, which i'm yet to hear but fear he wants me to end it.

So what do I do? I'm scared that everyone will think I am being young and naive for having an older boyfriend at my age. And how do I deal with a possible onslaught from my other relatives, like my aunts/uncles/cousins? Most people are telling me that if they love me they will support me, and that I shouldn't care what others think if I am happy. But I'm not the most courageous person.

Well I think that's all. Please, any thoughts are much appreciated

Personally i would first tell your parents your gay, give them time to adjust to that, and then tell them about your relationship. Otherwise it may be a bit too much for them at once, which may change the reaction you get.

I think the reaction about the age will depend on your family. Are there any people in your family who have any kind of age gap in their relationship? at the end of the day if you are happy together, and you explain this to your parents, then i dont see why they wouldnt be happy for you. im sure they would prefer to see you happy with someone who is older than you, than see you half happy with someone the same age.

If worst comes to worst and they arent too good about it just remember its your life, you only live once, live for yourself, not to please your family!

Good luck, let us know how it all goes!
Lee x

Well, I never had any boyfriends yet. I mostly been with women and I dated a 36yr old woman and I'm 23. My mom was ok with it since my other brothers dated older women. I just don't think my mom would understand me if I was dating a guy of any age. She expects me to date women and to some day give her grand kids. I'm sorry if I wasn't very helpful

i like Lee's response - it covers all the bases, you have one life, so live it - ive found that the people who you would think would have been totally anti guy turned out to be my stronget advorcates, you will be suprised how accepting family can be - tell them and take it form there - people here are on the forums to help if u run into probs - lots of us have been there before mate - good luck

[James]

Sometimes you have to look at the person not the age, heh, I should talk, current bf is 20 and bi but we get along very well and can talk ablout anything, the one step at a time approach is usually best plus it lets you see how they react and deal with the smaller of the two parts of your life you want to share with them, Jim

[TAB]

i think the truth of a gay is more bigger/shocked than you are falling love with a older man...
besides, 32 is not that old.. even some 32 guy is more cute or looks younger than ±25..

Cheers guys so much, nice to see it's all positive. I think I will try the "gay first, boyfriend later" approach, although I reckon they'll ask if I have someone when I tell them I'm gay.

I know it's my life and should do what makes me happy, that's the response I've had from most people. Just, my family aren't the most openminded, and Mum's quite emotional and still sees me as her little boy lol. Not to mention the vast amount of relatives I'll have to explain it to haha. But I guess I'll bite the bullet on this one.

Thanks a lot again for your help guys, and so quick too! Will keep you posted and will probably hang about the forums a bit!

[fredv3b]

Just a thought, if you have a large extended family there is a good chance that one of them is in a relationship/marriage with a significant age gap. If so then you can point out the gap between aunt and uncle so-and-so, if your parents raise the age gap as an issue.

Otherwise I agree with the advice already given above.

Good Luck

[princealbertofb]

I was going to suggest what Fred suggested, ie the example in the family or amongst your friends... I would suggest talking about that relationship and stating how you think it's working... (hopefully it's a good relationship between people of different age groups). Then my advice would actually be to make a list of all the things that make you and your boyfriend a couple, and why you are meant for each other. (find all the positives) Of course, I'd just leave out the sex part, because that's often something that people don't want to hear about (even though you could have the safer sex issue covered; some mums (and dads) like to know that you are being careful). You need to find a way of piling up the evidence that your boyfriend is a good partner for you, never mind his age. After all the gap is not so significant, as Tab, pointed out. You are right that they will want to know if you are dating, and possibly want to meet him.

Today being gay does not mean that you won't have any children. If you don't, it'll be an assumed choice for you and your partner. It's a good thing you have an older brother, maybe he could take care of the procreating, if he's inclined... lol.

Also, have you mentioned this problem to your boyfriend? Can he help you to overcome this fear? Surely, your coming out to your parents and family is something that counts for him and that would make him proud. Not only because of the self growth that it means emotionally for you, but also because it will be a recognition of who he is to you... No longer will you be hiding it and him in the closet. (if he's out, why would he want you to stay in the closet?)

I think you need to be firm with your brother (25) and ask him to support your choice, whatever conclusions he's come to... And another thing that goes on your scales is the fact that finding a decent partner is surely more difficult, since you're gay, than for the average single straight person... it's just a question of scarcity, right? (what? 5% of adult people are gay? not 50%!) So they ought to be happy that you've found someone who can help you to grow and develop in a normal, healthy way, someone who supports you and brings you love and trust.

But again, maybe it would be best to get the "I'm gay, mum, dad" issue out of the way first... with the help of aforementioned brother??? Make him your ally.

[princealbertofb]

Originally Posted by James

Sometimes you have to look at the person not the age, heh, I should talk, current bf is 20 and bi but we get along very well and can talk ablout anything, the one step at a time approach is usually best plus it lets you see how they react and deal with the smaller of the two parts of your life you want to share with them, Jim

I agree with you here, Jim, but you are not exactly in his position agewise... you would be the older partner. There is generally not quite so much oprobrium on the older guy among his peers, is there? Although, come to think of it??? er... there might be, but the older partner would be considered lucky, generally speaking.
It's a funny fact that quite a few gay relationships seem to thrive on the age gap thing. It could be something to do with the search for a father figure that didn't quite fill the gap when we were growing up. It's the nurturing thing, plus maybe some good sex and doting love... lol. Which of these do you share with your bisexual boyfriend?

I think I might try going for the age thing first and the gay bit later.
For example you could say to your mum "how would you feel if I had an older girlfriend?
She might then say "Well, how old?"
You "32"
You can imagine the rest.
You could continue the conversation or finish it at that point, saying that it was just hypothetical - which would be true.
Later you could return to her with the gay bit. She might then realize that the age difference is not such a big deal.

Again thanks for the comments guys. A few more facts in relation to what you've said:

There is only one slight age gap in my family tree, between my cousin and her bf, not exactly sure what the age gap is, I dont think its as much as mine but I could try and use it for support. Basically she's 26 and her bf has a 13 yo son so it must be a few years at least lol.

My boyfriend knows exactly my issues. I tell him everything, he knows my fears, and he's been a star to put up with my closetness and secrecy to my family. He is openly gay, has introduced me to all his mates and sisters (that's about the only family he's got), so you're kinda right about that princealbertofb, I think he's got a lot more confidence in his older age.

I have already thought about the point that there is a lot less choice for us gays than for straight people, I think if I explain that to them they will understand more. I had a couple of relationships with guys my age, none worked out, and now that I have a guy who I'm happy with I'd better hang on really.

And in terms of kids, we have both said we don't really want kids, and yes it's down to my brother to carry on the family name lol!

I'm not sure bringing an imaginary girlfriend into this will help, The reason why I'm coming out now is to end the lies mainly, I'm gonna be completely honest with what I say, just with a bit of strategy. And yeah I'm gonna leave out the sex side of it lol, unless they do ask about how safe I am.

[princealbertofb]

Or, Peter, that the gay thing isn't such a big issue???

[princealbertofb]

actually, you might make it part of your coming out strategy to tell them that you are being safe, even if they don't want to know about the sex... Make them understand that you've thought about it, and considered it as NOT optional (in any relationship, mind you)... They will feel that you've grown up a lot. What else do you do now that you didn't when you were younger? Think of other ways you've grown, that don't necessarily encompass being gay, and tell them about who you've grown to be as an ADULT.

if u think your gonna shock your family with been gay then you may as well throw the boyfriend in to the mix as well - get it over with in one go, saves shocking them twice ,