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Coming Out Are you still in the closet? Want some help and advice on coming out? (you can post anonymously in here! - requires >50 posts)

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Old 14th July 2011   #1
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Default I need help coming out, strict and christian parents

My parents are christian, or at least mostly, but they are also extremely strict and do not seem to be "gay supporting" people. Also with al the talk in my school and on the streets about how "every gay or bi person is a fag" it makes it hard for me to even think of how to come out.

Can someone give me any help because I've looked all around and have found nothing that fits my scenario.
 
Old 14th July 2011   #2
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We'd need to know a bit more about your circumstances, family situation, siblings, who you trust, you you'd rather keep this a secret from.. etc. Where do you live (country) how old you are etc... We might help
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Old 14th July 2011   #3
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You may have to delay coming out if you still live under your parents' roof.
 
Old 14th July 2011   #4
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Yes, knowing more would help, like your age, if you have a boyfriend, etc. Why is it you wish to come out now? Could it be delayed until after you are off to college or living on your own?

It's not ideal - of course the best is to be yourself. But you also don't want to end up in a bad situation without people to turn to. If you did come out and your parents reacted badly, what would you do? Do you have any gay-friendly relatives anywhere? Etc.

I'll refrain from further advice until I learn more about you and your situation, but there's no reason to rush. We all come out at different times to different people depending on our circumstances.

Good luck.
 
Old 14th July 2011   #5
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It will all be okay once you're not dependend on your folks anymore. Don't worry about it yet if you're underage...
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Old 14th July 2011   #6
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I don't have a boyfriend, but I am in love with someone, but he's not gay or bi so that's not going to work out :P

I am 16.5 and live with my mom dad and one sister, who is 15.

I am located in Lebanon H.N. USA.

About my family, I'm not quite sure, nothing close to the subject of sexuality has ever come up, so I'm not sure if they are gay supporting. I do have some friends that would not mind, but the main thing I'm worried about from them is they may tell some others, and some people I may not want it known to.

Most of my friends are online international, like one in Australia, one in Canada, one in France, etc. But one of my friends who lives near by could be someone I could turn to, but there's even a flaw with that, he's the one I like...
 
Old 14th July 2011   #7
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So..why don't you come on here more often and talk to us?
So what if you like him? he's still a friend. You said he's straight, so...maybe you could settle for friendship only?

Don't worry about coming out yet. Try very gently bringing up the topic sometime, like say..huh, I heard there was a gay parade the other day *insert place nearby or something* and see their reactions. Maybe they will be pretty harsh since you say they're christian and all, but don't lose hope, okay? Just hold on for a year or so more and then you got the world at your feet. :]
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Old 14th July 2011   #8
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Perhaps there's a way to bring up the subject of being gay to your family without admitting you're gay? Depending how big/small your school/city is, you could possibly say a classmate came out (this would only work with a big school not in a small one where your parents know all and their parents). Or use something in the media, from gay characters like on Glee to something in the news - marriage, DADT, a hate crime, etc. Bring it up casually like, "Hey some kids were talking about how this happened. What do you guys think?". It may be hard to hear the answer, or maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised - either way it'll give you a better idea of how your parents might react.

If you do come out, try to compile some resources for them to help them along, stuff they can read or websites they can visit such as [Only registered members can see links. ] [Only registered members can see links. ] this one is for Australia but a great page: [Only registered members can see links. ] (but be sure to realize there are websites out their that lie, so check them out for yourself first and give them the links because googling I saw some anti-gay ones for parents of kids that claim kids aren't born gay, which is completely false).
 
Old 14th July 2011   #9
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I came out to my best friend first when I was in college. Later, when I was talking with him about coming out to my family, he gave me what I consider the most profound piece of coming out advice I have ever heard. He told me that there is simply no wrong way to come out. Some methods are better than others, but there is literally nothing you can do that is "wrong". This applies to every aspect of coming out. Do it how you want, when you want. I knew I was gay when I was eight years old. I first worked up the courage to tell someone when I was twenty one. That was the right way for me. Had I been a different person, I may have told people earlier, or I may have not told them yet. The wrong way to come out is through a method you are not comfortable with at a time when you are not ready. I firmly believe that coming out is something that straight people will never understand the difficulty of, nor will they understand the courage it requires to take that first step. When the day comes for you to come out, please accept my sincere congratulations. If that day is not today, please accept my sincere support, and feel no guilt or pressure.
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Old 14th July 2011   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by musicman2229 View Post
I came out to my best friend first when I was in college. Later, when I was talking with him about coming out to my family, he gave me what I consider the most profound piece of coming out advice I have ever heard. He told me that there is simply no wrong way to come out. Some methods are better than others, but there is literally nothing you can do that is "wrong". This applies to every aspect of coming out. Do it how you want, when you want. I knew I was gay when I was eight years old. I first worked up the courage to tell someone when I was twenty one. That was the right way for me. Had I been a different person, I may have told people earlier, or I may have not told them yet. The wrong way to come out is through a method you are not comfortable with at a time when you are not ready. I firmly believe that coming out is something that straight people will never understand the difficulty of, nor will they understand the courage it requires to take that first step. When the day comes for you to come out, please accept my sincere congratulations. If that day is not today, please accept my sincere support, and feel no guilt or pressure.
Very nice post, Musicman... I second your thought.
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Old 14th July 2011   #11
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@PA he lives in Lebanon, New Hampshire, not the one in the Middle East.

I would recommend against coming out to parents when you are dependent on them financially and think they will not react well. Parents can make things very difficult for you when you have no where else to go.
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Old 14th July 2011   #12
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Young man, I understand that you are in a difficult situation right now trying to sort out your feelings, sexual orientation and emotions. The fact that your best friend is not gay should not deter you from sharing these feelings with him (I mean being gay, maybe not telling him you are in love with him). If he is confident in his own sexuality, which he may well be, it will probably not be a problem. It is for you to find out how strong your friendship is. How long have you known each other?

You might broach the subject with him by talking about his crushes on girls, or his girlfriend if he has one... Something along the lines of: " X, you know how you always tell me about Y (Y being the prospective girlfriend, actual girlfriend or crush)? Well, I don't feel like that towards girls, any girl."
Let him take it in. Let him ask the questions, and tell him whatever he wants to know, provided it's not too private. If he clams up about the subject of sex, then he may be a little uncomfortable with the subject. In that case agree with him that you can drop the subject and get back to it later because you'd like to discuss it further with him, as a friend. But you might ask if he's unfamiliar or uncomfortable with the subject of sexuality and sexual orientation. He might not know what to say. You may even tell him that it's something that you don't think you can discuss very well in your family for reasons that he probably knows of. Do your family know your best friend?

What's more, have you ever supported or helped your best friend in a way that, for some reason, he owes you one? You could cash in on that one if such is the case. Just remind him of the circumstances in which you saved a situation for him before.

How to tackle the family. I would go with the notion of love... I'm sure it's ok to ask your parents about what love means to them. You might ask if it's ok to love anybody? Could they maybe delimit the conditions for loving different members of family and society? If you can find examples in tv programmes or things you read or watched in the news to start the conversation, it might be easier to pin your point. You might ask how ok it is for an older man to love a younger woman, for instance... Bring up several different scenarios. Add one in there that ressembles your situation.

For me the essence of the Christian teaching is not about homophobia or people phobia, or even sin and sinning; for me the essence of the Christian teaching is LOVE, so I think you could easily have that conversation with your parents. It's a notion that they should be able to define and talk about... You might also ask your mother, for instance, how she fell in love with your father? How did she know it was love?

With a bit of luck she'll be questioning why you are interested in knowing. If you feel comfortable, you can disclose your story or parts of it to her...

Last thing to consider: parents are often less foolish than they seem or that you credit them for being. They know things.
* They might know them and be waiting for you to disclose (they are modest about sexuality and feelings);
* they might sense you are gay but not approve, so avoid talking about it because that way it stays where it ought to be, in the closet;
* and then there are those who genuinely don't know but respect your time to grow up and start having feelings for another person.

If, in the past, you have given them the slightest reason to wonder about your sexual orientaion, then they'll probably be onto it.

Have you had that talk about the birds and the bees yet?
Another plan could be to tell your mum, and / or dad, that you've got to do a presentation for school about sexuality and sexual orientation and could they help to guide you. You'd soon find out what they are ready to disclose to you, or what they are holding back. Now's the time to ask the questions. If they say there are all kinds of love, then they are open-minded. If the scenario only seems to be boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, and that's it. you'll have to be imaginative. I'd suggest about the sexuality presentation for school, that you already have an outline of topics you want to share (supposedly) with your classmates. That way you can have things like abortion, the pill, condoms, other forms of sexuality on your list of points to develop. They may be surprised to see how grown up you are.

Good luck with the search.
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Old 17th July 2011   #13
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Besides the fact that you live in the same town, are the same age and have an extremely simmilar scenario to mine, which completely freaks me out. Is it possible that we might be able to talk to each other? as seeing we are practically in, at least very simmilar, same situation?

PS, do you really live in Lebanon the country or Lebanon H.N. like me? cause if it's just Lebanon that makes me feel a little less freaked out. Then again if it's lebanon n.h then we may actually be able to meet each other off the internet.

please tell me if there is any way to contact you
 
Old 17th July 2011   #14
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I can send a pm you if want dreadkyller that has my email, that may be a better way to talk

also, I live in lebanon N.h
 
Old 17th July 2011   #15
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also thankz 4 all the help people
 
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