I'm 32.. He's a 18 Blonde/Blue-Eyed Adonis.. SO CONFUSED

I do appreciate all the advice from everyone. I took it all into heart and have still been evaluating on how to proceed.

Since this message was posted, he has started to show more interest in me and has been responding to my text messages almost immediately. He told me he hasn't had anything to drink in a week. (I never even asked him to stop..)

Basically.. I told myself.. it was over.. I am 32.. he is 18.. he is surrounded by hundreds of guys that desire him and we are both way too emotionally unstable to date...

And well.. to make a long story short.. we are going on our first date in a few days.. he asked me why I hadn't asked him earlier.. as the most I've seen from him, is him drunk dialing me and passing out at my place.

As much as everything about this situation says run run run.. my heart feels so much for this individual.. I made a very fair amount of money during the dot-com era and used to have parties with hundreds of boys.. and none of them did anything for me. I've actually never been romantically interested or cared about any other gay guy in my life.. of the thousands I have met..

I am surrounded by individuals and seem to have no problem engaging and going where I desire with individuals just as attractive, if not more attractive than this individual.. and for some ridiculous reason, most all of them end up falling for me and I have to push them away.. I take care of myself, but am nothing special at all by any means. I don't understand it to say the least, especially considering my emotionally damaged situation.

There's just something about this boy that I care about that transcends past lust.. (I am the one having to turn down his attempts at hooking up.. he always tries to initiate it.. I tell him that I simply care for him and don't think we should go that far..) I had a father figure, mother figure, brother that was there for me.. I don't have any abuse in my past.. and really I have never cared for much of anyone at all, ever.. as more than a friend.

Should I follow my heart.. or do you all think this is destined to tear me apart?

[Aeneas]

Originally Posted by californialife

UPDATE:


So we have our first sober 'date' next week.. any suggestions on how or what to say to see if we should continue or...? (he also told me he hasn't had anything to drink in six days.. I didn't ask why..)

Let him do the talking. I know the feeling. I do get frustrated too - I just don't let him know :big grin:

My advice would be to just take it one day at a time. See how it unfolds. Don't plan ahead, don't think ahead. If he is anything like mine, he will be the one telling you how long you too will be together and you just nod in agreement.

Also, never tell him you love him. Ever. Show it, but don't say it.



Lately.. he has been showing more interest.. messaging me more often.. responding to my text messages.. telling me he wants to spend more time with me, etc.. and I am the one having to push him away it seems.. it's just.. 32.. 18.. I mean.. come on.. all my friends are in their 30s and up.. I've traveled the world, lived all over, done so much.. as attractive as he is.. it really isn't the lust.. (as said, when he contacts me asking to hook up, I tell him I am not interested.. that we can be close together.. but I don't want to go there..) I can call up plenty of guys that look just like him.. but there just isn't the interest.. there is just something about him.. frustrating to no end.. and I don't even know who he is..

What I question as well.. is that he surrounds himself around extremely attractive people.. and hundreds of them literally.. he can have anyone at anytime.. why some 32 year old? I by no means are any more special than most of the people he associates with..

I know it doesn't make sense.. I should run, not walk.. but this is the first time I have ever felt anything for anyone in my entire life.. of the thousands of gay guys I surrounded myself with over the years, when I had my big house, big parties and my choice of anyone.. but nobody ever did anything for me.. still soo lost..

You are thinking too much here mate. An attractive 18 year old will be high maintenance, so you just cannot bring yourself to worry too much about it. You'll just need to keep your cool and play it right.

Feeling insecure about his looks, the people he associates with, or his age won't accomplish anything. If he is with you its because he WANTS to be with you. And don't forget, 18 year olds also feel insecurities about older people. As you have said you are much more experienced, accomplished, educated, well-versed or maybe perhaps just "more interesting" because of all this. So you need to understand that as well.

So if there are good moments between the two of you, hold on to that and build from there. Never mind the age. The age will bring complications on the mental front (a battle you should be winning btw), but you shouldn't allow the mere fact that the difference exists to expect doom&gloom; nor should you allow yourself to feel uncomfortable because of it.

Risks exist in any relationship regardless of age.

And the fact that he is changing his ways after you "pushed him away" is a very good sign. But if you want to go the whole way here, you need to let him know one way or another that you ARE interested in his company, but he won't be the only one who determines how and when you'll be spending that time together.

my replies are in red above. my two cents.

[Gizzie]

I have been in a similar situation myself, only the guy and I were around the same age.
I think the attraction between two damaged individuals is very strong, and it easily develops into co-dependancy.
The only reason I was able to break it off with my then BF is because my job required me to move to the other side of the country. At that time I was totally heart broken at having to leave him behind, but a few weeks after I left, I found out that he had already found another guy and was calling him his “soul mate”. Suddenly I felt sober, and just decided to move on.

I guess what I am trying to say is, destructive love is so passionate, but in the end either you screw up your life, or if either of you decide to get back to your senses, it all suddenly fall apart.
I think you should end it in one way or another while the passion is still there, so that you have some nice memories of passionate love to look back to for the rest of your life.

Originally Posted by Aeneas

ignore this post

I tried to contact you via your messenger, albeit it appears you are not logged on? Thanks

[Aeneas]

maybe I've misread, or misinterpreted, but i don't think "californialife" is at all damaged. he is just selfish and not easily impressed by others. he gets bored fast with other people either because they are "easy" or because they are just plain dull.

I am like this, to an extent.

The fact that this attractive 18 year old doesn't play by his rules puts him off-balance and yes, its appealing whilst frustrating and sometimes, infuriating.

and 18 year olds can be very manipulative when they are attractive and they know it. Especially those who have been in the gay scene, promiscuous as it is; and especially those who ask for nothing in return - they don't need your money, nor your car, nor your apartment etc. I wouldnt completely rule out the fact that he victimizes himself so often is not a part of all this manipulation. At the end of the day, they don't know what they want - But they do know what they don't want to lose. So they can't get too comfortable.

Every 18 year old drinks alcohol. Its not that big of a deal the problem the way i see it is his behavior. Change one and you change the other.

[Aeneas]

Originally Posted by californialife

I tried to contact you via your messenger, albeit it appears you are not logged on? Thanks

eh you need to find a way to send me yours as well so that i may add you too. i don't receive all invitations i think its a barrier to spammers by microsoft.

send me an email with yours to that address. that will do the trick.

[BobInTampa]

Well, i've read all the posts and replies and i felt compelled to chime in.

First, what you're doing with him is called ENABLING! It's very common among those who love addicts. That said, i think you BOTH should consider seeking counseling. (Him for alcohol and you for your enabling).

It's alot like the "lost puppy" syndrome. You are compelled to "take care" of him because he's cute, needy, yet also erratic and addicted to booze.

If, by your own admission, you've not had a gay LTR due to past - and very intense problems in the past - you're really in no mental state to make educated decisions about how to proceed with him. This is WAY past either of your ability to resolve what's going on - so finding help is critical!

Another thing that's going on here is CO-DEPENDENCE! Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

These are powerful mental stresses and require professional help!

You really can't address the "age difference" issue until all the other issues of dependency, alcohol abuse and your respective "pasts" are dealt with.

Keep us updated!

[pellaz]

this is not the first younger for older post, all good tho. You will always get someone to chime in and say love conquers all:

Originally Posted by Mr. Not So Lonely

OK I can speak from experience my lover of one year is 20 I am 51 we are very much in love and have lived together for some time we met right here on this site.
It all depends on you and him.
are you willing to to work on this relationship or throw your chance at love away????

[Only registered members can see links. ], I think your post reflects more consideration for your lover.

my reference is;
i have a 28year old daughter from a previous straight relationship but I am an open gay man in a gay relationship.

I am thinking your relationship is high maintenance, prone to fail. Please consider the opportunity for your lover to reverse things and teach you how frail live is and in turn you offer the boy the stability, safety and security to let his heart rest a little.