Too busy? Relationship advice needed..

[VagabondKitten]

Alright, well I guess I'll start with the background info. I'm a 22 year old full time college student and also work about 30 hours in a retail job. Needless to say, I have a very busy schedule. About a month ago, I met this very cute boy at a local gay club, and we hit it off pretty well, and so we exchanged numbers. We promised to go on an official date, and hang out more and such. About 4 days after our first meeting, we hung out alone at my house, just chatting, with a little bit of cuddling and sexy time thrown in the mix. Then that weekend we hung out again, and again had a fun time, and he made it very clear he was interested in this developing into a relationship, which I was cool with. And after a couple more times hanging out, out of the blue, he put put on facebook that he was in a relationship with me, without any sort of discussion about it, or us even discussing that we were official. I was a little surprised and didn't feel quite ready for that step, which should have been my first big red flag, but I ignored it and began an "official" relationship with this boy, after knowing him all of about 2 weeks.

Now here is where the problems start. I really do like "Vince" as I'll call him, and have not had any problems with him aside from the whole jumping into our relationship being official so fast thing. However, the main problem I'm experiencing is that between his hectic schedule working as a server, and my even more hectic schedule at school and work, and the unfortunate fact that we live about an hour drive away, we're lucky if we can hang out a total of 4 or 5 hours in a week. Does it seem silly, or maybe even slightly pointless to be tied down to an official relationship with someone so far away, who I can barely see, when I've known him for such a short time? I can deal with being with someone I can't see often, but that would normally be something I'd do with a guy who I've been dating for a long time, and already knew we had a good chance of going somewhere, which I can't claim to know after such a short time of being with Vince. So I'm kind of at a crossroads with this relationship, so-to-speak. Part of me thinks I should stay with Vince, and see where it goes, because there isn't much, if anything that is specifically wrong with him, just with our situation. But another part of me thinks I think should just end it with him, or at least just and stay clear of the committed phase of our relationship, until I've actually gotten to know him better (which could take quite a while with our schedules). Sorry for such a long post! Any input/advice would be really appreciated, because I feel like I've reached an impasse right now.

[indianajones]

Your fears related to this guy are totally justified and logical. And i must congratulate you for your insightful thinking on these matters. 2 weeks is a very short time to know someone fully, moreso, if you are considering someone for a relationship. Unfortunately, this guy has been rushing up the things and lack the foresight required to get into a healthy relationship, not meaning that you should dump him, but tell him to go slow and let both of you get really comfortable with each other and then decide accordingly. Trust me, more you spend time together, better will it get to get into any sort of commitiment. If it has to happen, it will surely happen, no matter how long you delay it.

[Nick9]

Hi, to tell the truth, I am not sure what you are looking for. And I can imagine that several days after you break up with him we will read a desperate post like: Hi, I met this very cute boy at a local gay club and everything seemed to be so good! I started to develop feelings for him and I liked him so much that for the first time ever I made my relationship with him official. I was just so happy that he wanted to be with me! But then suddenly he started to pull away. We live an hour drive apart, but I did my best to find enough time in my schedule to see him. Everything seemed to be so good, he said he really liked me, and he wanted a relationship with me, but yesteday he told me he was breaking up with me. What have I done wrong? Please help.

Sorry for my English, but I hope you got the point.
You like him. You have met couple times already and you still like him. You say: he made it very clear he was interested in this developing into a relationship, which I was cool with.

God, what else do you want? You will never be completely satisfied. In every relationship there will always be something!
Take your time and read posts on this board, sad stories about guys panicking that somebody dumped them seemingly without reason, or afraid that they will never find someone who would like to have relationship with them.

You like him, he likes you, you both are not against things leading into something more. And you don't want to give the relationship a chance and needed time? Why would you possibly want to break up with him? Because you want to have sex more times during a week? Because you don't have faith? You need to work on a relationship. And I mean every realationship. The one that barely started, or the one that lasts for 20 years. There is a first obstacle and you are thinking about giving up. Why?

Sorry for the rant, I don't mean to hurt, or to be rude, but reading your post, everything in me screams WAKE UP!
I hope you will get to know soon, what it is exactly, that you are looking for. I guess for now it is just to have fun. Which is not bad, but don't say him you want a relationship.
There is no such thing as an easy relationship. Trust me.

hello,
Lets see if aunty can shed some light and guidance for ya... Now a distanced relationship isnt nessiccary (or however u spell the word) a bad thing... I would imagen that what they say is true and know it exists in my current relationship that distance can make the heart grow fonder... It is better to commit to this to be honest and see where it goes but with your busy schedules why not have work time and once a week both agree at a certain day (usually ending in Y) is your time... Me time is needed and its the day that both of you can meet up and either you go to his or he comes to yours... You both need to work together on this to make it grow fond and grow into something special..
I wouldnt recommend that everytime you meet you both make sure that you have a shag to put it bluntly because otherwise your be nothing more than shag partners so say the first sunday of the month you go to his have a bit of fun there and then the fourth sunday he comes to yours with the second and third sundays your both just hanging out being a couple without the sex envoled... You can make it interesting by taking turns on cooking dinner for each other and maybe treating each other to something like the cinema/bowling/swimming something social activity where you can both feel happy together.. An hours distance isnt that far to be honest and eventually after a few months - a year why not discuss maybe one of you two relocating to live with the other person. Now you state that you feel this relationship is too quick for two weeks to be committed but to be honest from my experience my boyfriend who ive been with since 12th October 2005 was nothing more than a one night stand and i instantly fell in love with him and couldnt say goodbye. Now sharing experiences if i just walked away and didnt fight for this relationship then i wouldnt be where I am today... At the time my partner lived in a rented house share as a lodger and I lived with my family but overtime we both got into rented house share and then from there onwards stayed until re possession started and then got into our own mortgaged property so you can achieve this as well if you work together with him on it.. Ignore any negativity outsiders may say such as it isnt worth a go because at the end of the day only you and him can decide whether it is something to give a go to or not... If you truely love him and truely want to be with him you will fight fight fight fight for this love...

Kindest regards

zeon x

[pellaz]

Congratulates on your relationship, now what?
maybe a goal:
no reason two can't live as thriftily as just one. The thrift in your case is time/effort.

you guys should talk about things more. I dont detect from your posts that you to are very open about things. I mean your needs vs his. He should know how you feel. Tell him you love him.

[VagabondKitten]

Well first off, thanks you guys for the advice/posts. Now I do need to respond/clarify things. First off, I will not tell him I love, or act as if I do, because I don't. I'm not the type of person who falls in love easily (only kinda happened once, and it took a good 4-6 months before I really felt like I was). I'm very slow moving with relationships, mostly because frankly I'm in no rush to fall in love. Without a doubt the thing I want the most in my life is to be in a loving and committed relationship with a special someone. I want to grow old and comfortable together. I want to have a history with someone. But all that takes time. It's far seems too important to just make rash decisions about it, or to rush into it. I know that things get messy when you try and force the feelings, because it just doesn't work that way.

All that being said, I think you guys are right. There is no reason for me to end it yet, before it's even really begun. And while yes I did say I was cool with it going down the road of being a relationship, I just don't feel like I'm ready for that yet. However I need to discuss all this with him, instead of just keeping him in the dark. I've always been the silent, stoic type when it comes to my emotions, because I don't like conflict, and I'd prefer to protect other's feelings, but I guess that's exactly what has gotten me into trouble, and often backfired and made things worse in the end. Why is it that it's so hard to remember a lesson you should already know, when it comes to relationships? But anyways, I'm going to talk to him about slowing it down, and maybe not having the title quite yet. If he really is the right guy for me, then I know that it will all eventually click, and if not, then at least he won't be caught off guard. Does that sound reasonable?

**Post edit note** One other thing I wanted to clarify, to make people understand how hard it is to see him. Monday-Friday my day doesn't end till 11, (9 on Tuesday and Thursday), and I also work all weekend, but am usually out around 7. He however has to work until around 11 or midnight on the weekends due to it being the busiest time for a server (and when he makes the most money). So it really is like almost impossibly hard for us to spend time together. I know that I'm just making excuses, but it really is kind of hard to even see if we are going anywhere, when I don't even have time to get to know him. X.X

[pellaz]

it takes 4-6 mo to grow a emotional bond but you have to be an engineering student right, tell him you love him anyway.

you cant depend things automatically working if he is the right guy

[OrphanPip]

Does an hour drive really count as long-distance? People commute longer than that for work every morning.

Anyway, I don't think it's unreasonable to break it off with someone because you feel like there just isn't enough time to get to know each other and be in a proper relationship. I think the whole "rushing it" feeling is just anxiety and looking for excuses. Honestly, you don't seem that enthusiastic about the guy, and it is just going to get harder to break off the longer it lasts.

Talking to him and being honest about how you feel about slowing down the relationship seems the reasonable and the honest thing to do.

[Gizzie]

If you are already busy and can only find 4 to 5 hours to spend with Vince, doesn’t that mean you can only have 4 to 5 hours to date in general anyways?
I thinks its ok to be in a relationship with guy for now, and let time figure out if this is a relationship worth holding onto or not….

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Tell me, when will you have time for a relationship?

Right now you are in college and working, I assume to get some degree in something so you can get a better job with more hours and more responsibilities, presumably with a company that you will want to please, so you will work more hours and weekends to keep that job and climb the company ladder.

So after collage will you really have more time? Will you have more time when you are working that job?

Or are you just going to hold off on that relationship thing until you are retired at age 75 (by then the minimum retirement age will have gone up)?

I think you are using your busy schedule as an excuse to not commit. Its OK, but you have to admit to yourself what you feel and the small fact that you ain't into relationships, you do not want to be bothered with them and your 'emotional outlook' is such that you are not fit relationship material. Again, that's OK.

For the record its called falling in love for a reason.

It is as hopeless and helpless a situation as your falling off a 20 story building, once you start it won't end until the forces at work stop you - you have no control over it.

You cannot control love you can't stop it, can't force it to start and you definitely can't slow it down. Love ain't got no brakes - its like gravity, an undeniable force that has all the control once it takes over.

Don't like conflict? Then I suggest you join the priesthood as a monk. They pretty much isolate themselves, some even go so far as to take a vow of silence so they don't have to be bothered with conflict.

[VagabondKitten]

Dang, talk about harsh advice, haha.... Well I'll just be honest here, I'm still a huge work in progress. You're talking to a guy who had no emotional outlet for nearly 20 years of my life. It took me having a complete mental breakdown to realize how unhealthy it was for me to keep all my emotions to myself. I pretty much have to constantly push myself past my intense anxiety of letting people in, to really connect to them on an emotional level (but it really is getting better each time I do it).

I would also be okay if he didn't work the entire weekend, which is the only time my days end at a reasonable hour. I would even be willing to visit him late at night on the weekdays occasionally, if I could actually afford an hour's worth of gas both way (which I barely can, if at all) And I definitely do not plan to have a job that is 60-80 hours a week (depending on how much homework I get) like my current schedule once I graduate so I really would have more time for a relationship then. And it isn't the busy-ness that is the problem per-say, but the fact that I'm in an official relationship with someone (OFFICIAL, which to me is serious business), who I barely know, and don't have much prospects for getting to know for a good long while. And now to add more anxiety to the matter, he called me last night (albeit drunkenly) and before he hung up said "love you bye!". I honestly haven't even spent more than 3 waking hours with this boy. I don't want to end it because of the distance, but I definitely do want to slow it down. I think it's time for "the talk" the next time I see him. I don't want to crush another boy like I've done in the past. I'll give him the power this time. If he is willing to slow things down, and take the time for us become more acquainted with each other, before moving the relationship to a more serious place, then I'm willing to stay exclusive with him until we get to that point. I just don't like having the title of "boyfriends" looming over me. It just feels silly, and rushed, and immature to be committed to someone after knowing each other for such a short time.

[Nick9]

Originally Posted by VagabondKitten

Dang, talk about harsh advice, haha....

hahaha, yeah, I guess that's just him

Bowyn Aerrow remember I said I wanted to print out your story, so that I would always remember it? Well, I guess you made it so graphic, that I don't need to. I felt really really down the other day and even then it was clear as day that I wouldn't lift a finger to harm myself, because I couldn't stop thinking about what you had said. Thanks, man.

VagabondKitten, tell him about the official issue you have, it may help

[pellaz]

Originally Posted by VagabondKitten

... I'm still a huge work in progress. You're talking to a guy who had no emotional outlet for nearly 20 years of my life. It took me having a complete mental breakdown to realize how unhealthy it was for me to keep all my emotions to myself. I pretty much have to constantly push myself past my intense anxiety of letting people in ...

how is it that your school and work is more important than your emotional outlook. Everything fits into whole picture which is your life. This boy is a blessing for you, dont "have the talk" give him your love. If you want to be successful in life you have to let people in.

[VagabondKitten]

Originally Posted by pellaz

how is it that your school and work is more important than your emotional outlook. Everything fits into whole picture which is your life. This boy is a blessing for you, dont "have the talk" give him your love. If you want to be successful in life you have to let people in.

Because I'm putting myself in huge debt to finish school, so I don't have to work an unfulfilling job the rest of my life! Also it's easier to always put off the things that we need to do the most, because they're usually the most difficult I'm seeing him tomorrow after class and work, so I'm just going to be open about my concerns and anxieties with our relationship, because that's all I can do right now. If I don't speak to him about things like this, then I'll never learn to be open with him, so I can't put it off anymore. Wish me luck!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I hate to break this to you, but for the rest of your life you will be a 'work in progress'. Might as well change your middle name to WIP.

Also, I think you are focused on the stumbling blocks and not looking at the reasons why you should step out of your shell and "try it".

The worst that can happen here is that it all falls apart and you have a nasty break up. Ok that is not the worst, the worst could be that he turns into a stalker and tries to kill you - that can be an interesting life experience and 'worth' the time. Been there, done that - I learned a lot.

Your being too hard on him, too hard on yourself and too hard on life.

Since you have had issues in the past along these lines and have a hard time 'dealing with' the emotions and crap, perhaps its destiny, fate, God sending you the experience you need in order to deal with these internal things.