Gay and married looking for advice from experience

OK. Here it goes. I am married with two children. I have the proverbial perfect life. Except for he fact that I have come to the realizaion that I have been suppressing my sexuality forever. I grew up in a family where being gay was not accepted so I always did what I was supposed to do. Now the feelings are so strong that I know the lack of love and intimacy with my wife is killing her. I do not want to hurt her anymore but either way I am going to.

I live in Cleveland, not the best place to be gay. Is there anyone who has gone through this who can talk to me about their experience? This is really hard.

Any advice would be appreciated.

B

[pellaz]

Welcome to gayspeak, i hope we can help and you stay to contribute.

-i hung in there till the children were out of the house.
-i never told anyone. There was nothing she could have done and i did not need forgiveness (born that way). I did not need understanding, my eyes were wide open.
-there might be some publications out there to help if you want to chance they be around you

I was about your age when it started. I originally though a gay relationship was so perfect. Actually they are the same and i discovered this early on while i was married. So then I thought the risk of infecting my wife my very dear best friend, with a std or hiv, was too high to go whoring around. so what is stupid me to do.

talk more if you want but thats the basics for me anyways.

[Nick9]

Hi Brandon,
welcome to the forum.
I am sorry I don't have a useful advice for you, but I am willing to bet the others will.
Do you know what your wife thinks about gays? Do you think that she can understand what you are going through?

@BrandonBrown :

My Dear u have ruined the life of ur kids
Being closeted don't mean ur wrong but accepting urself is very important
Its nothing to the world what u are than u believing what u really are !

I am a Middle-eastern origined in Asia (India now)
Christian but no matter what bible says I believe its written by humans & not God
& i believe Jesus blessed me being a gay its only him that i a what i am today
i was same like u & im still not out of the closet entirely but i wont ruin the life of anyone to play the game of straight man
Now if u separate ur kids would be in a condition of mental distress when parents separate

[MNCPA73]

Hey Brandon,
I am in a very similar position (38 yrs old). I'm married with 3 boys. My wife has always known I've "struggled" with my sexuality (I told her b4 we got married) and she has been very accepting of my struggle to remain faithful to her while largely suppressing my sexual desires. It's SOOO hard. I love her so much but know it hurts her when I'm hit hard with my "struggle" and we are rarely intimate. These last few months, especially, I have really been depressed because I feel like my opportunities to explore this side of me are slipping away. My family life is great, good job, etc. but this one area won't let me be content. It's nice to know others deal with this, but I feel bad because I know it's so difficult for you. I wish I had an answer, but I'm afraid I'm still looking myself. I'm scared that I'm going to "stray" at some point and hurt her.

[pellaz]

Originally Posted by MNCPA73

I'm scared that I'm going to "stray" at some point and hurt her.

Just keep in mind how bad things could get if both you and her got a bout of the HIV or really any STD. Do you wear a condom with your wife?

Originally Posted by MNCPA73

... These last few months, especially, I have really been depressed because I feel like my opportunities to explore this side of me are slipping away.

NO THEY ARE NOT SLIPPING AWAY! and i am not 37years old any more. Today I have a wonderful husband and will live the second half of my live in love. Yes i gave some of my choice years to my wife but i basically stayed till she let me go. Love your children and yes your wife. Relationships are not that different gay or straight. Close your eyes and just love.

Originally Posted by MNCPA73

... My family life is great, good job, etc. but this one area won't let me be content ...

my divorce costs were $300, we employed a common lawyer. the settlement left me with all my wealth and she kept all hers. play the game, no one made you signed an oath back when.

[DarkDaisuke]

I'm so sorry to hear that Wouldn't it be best to inform your wife? you two are married and I'm certain she'd be happy if you told her what's bothering you. Two heads are better than one I also pray you can figure out yourself while still being happy <3

[Rawr]

Hi Brandon, I can’t say I have much experience in this; in fact I have none at all. But, hopefully what I say will help you.

I think there are a lot of variables to take into consideration, such as your outlook on life and death for that matter. For instance, you may have heard the phrase “we only have one life” tossed around a lot. Assuming this to be correct is it truly fair to waste little time your wife has on the planet? Furthermore is it fair on your self to waste that amount of time?

The truth is, if you don’t love her in that way, every second you spend as a couple is time wasted in finding your “soul mate”. I know it’s scary, and both of you may be feeling anxiety of the thought of never finding anyone else and being alone. But, this isn’t the end of a relationship, I assume there will be tension of course, but if you both truly loved each other I’m sure you can both overcome the harsh feelings. You can both stay as good friends and help each other out in life, who knows you may fall back in love with one another, or does that just happen in cheesy films?

Me personally, If I was you I would have a talk with your wife. I’d say write a letter if you are afraid but I just don’t think that would be fair on her. It may seem that you’ve wasted time together, but don’t believe that as I’m sure if you think about it, you must have a lot of happy memorable moments during your relationship. So I’d say sit her down and discuss with her the situation in hand. Mention how much you care for her and how living the life you are now would not be fair for her. I assume she will get very upset and angry but don’t let this scare you away. Be Calm, Be persistent and most of all Be Gentle.

Now if we bring the kids into the scenario things get a little more troublesome but that shouldn’t be too much of a hassle. You have a few options here although they would need to be agreed upon by you and your wife. The first option would be to tell you kids of your sexuality and to reassure them that nothing will change, you’ll still be there father and you’ll always love them no matter what. The second option would be to stick to your marriage although perhaps discuss with your wife the option of having an open relationship. When the kids reach a mature age, assuming that they aren’t already, tell them.

The last point I would like to make is don’t be homophobic. Don’t make homophobic remarks around your family or friends. Mainly your family as you don’t want your kids gaining the view that homosexuality is wrong. You may use homophobia as a self defence to hide your true feelings, though when it comes to coming out, the people around you might have adopted your views and then you’d be the only one to blame. I’m not saying you do say homophobic remarks, I doubt that you do, but I’m just pointing it out.

I over think things, so what I’ve said may come across as confusing. I hope that it helped and please take what I say with a pinch of salt. I’ve wrote this under my own assumptions, but as I don’t know much about you, I may be wrong about many aspects. I hope all goes well and good luck with which ever path you choose to take.

[pellaz]

Originally Posted by Rawr

The last point I would like to make is don’t be homophobic. Don’t make homophobic remarks around your family or friends. Mainly your family as you don’t want your kids gaining the view that homosexuality is wrong. You may use homophobia as a self defence to hide your true feelings, though when it comes to coming out, the people around you might have adopted your views and then you’d be the only one to blame. I’m not saying you do say homophobic remarks, I doubt that you do, but I’m just pointing it out.

this is very very wise

[gayboyindia24]

I cn sympathise and infact empathise wit u n i i think i would b in the same situation as u r now wen i will get married in nxt 8-10 yrs...I dont knw whtr I shud advice u or not bcoz m way 2 younger then u but out of thots I can tell u dat wat u cn do
1-if u r rlly feeling horny wants to have sex ONLY wit a guy the I would say go for it(though u might feel guilty later if u have been loyal till now)

2nd-Find a partner who is married and also facing the same problem lyk u..dis way u both wud undersntd each others' problem n cn maintain a healthy frnship, cn hve sex wit him n shre ur feelings n u wud feel complete n u wud not feel frustrated..(but again this may b infedility)
3rd-(this is the least option or u cn say last resort if all fails)-Tell your wife abt ur sexuality but do tell her hw much u luv her n hw much supressed ur sexuality for her..I can assure u she wud understnd,U both tke a brk from each other(but give her a belief n trust that u r always wit her till ur death).u stay alone for sumtym or go for a vacation alone...try to figure out with clear mind..wat r u missing n wat u want..but while u r on vacation plzz go wit a free mind...N I have a question for u since u r expericned...Do u think then I shud get married.I will wait for ur answer

[princealbertofb]

Originally Posted by BrandonBrown

OK. Here it goes. I am married with two children. I have the proverbial perfect life. Except for he fact that I have come to the realizaion that I have been suppressing my sexuality forever. I grew up in a family where being gay was not accepted so I always did what I was supposed to do. Now the feelings are so strong that I know the lack of love and intimacy with my wife is killing her. I do not want to hurt her anymore but either way I am going to.

I live in Cleveland, not the best place to be gay. Is there anyone who has gone through this who can talk to me about their experience? This is really hard.

Any advice would be appreciated.

B

Brandon, hello and to GaySpeak.
I daresay there are many people on this site who will have gone through the same process as you have and are currently going through. Yes, it's hard to suppress one's sexuality to the point of almost disappearing into the earth because it is such anathema to some people. The worry about that is the low self esteem generated by such feelings, the feelings of inadequacy with one's family and spouse, and that yearning that never seems to die or at least shut up:
I am wondering whether your wife is aware of this problem for you, or even if she's started suspecting something if you are not feeling intimate enough with her.
Anyway you break the news to her, it's going to be devastating, especially if she has no suspicions of the reason why you are not feeling sexually attracted to her.
My partner was in a marriage such as you are and brought up six children before he realised that he needed something else out of life... He'd only got married, at 19, because he badly wanted children. His wife and he got divorced about 9 years ago now, and it didn't go down very well.
First, my partner lived in bouts of depression over the many years that he was married, not really knowing why this was until he fell in love with a man and then it hit him. It's the depression that you'll want to avoid. Maybe you are already feeling it. Is there any way you could discuss this with your doctor or a psychologist? You would probably benefit from some therapy, be it only to be able to talk about it with someone.
Of course, you are more than welcome to come here with your problems and feelings and to sort things out. We'll try to be helpful in our advice and supportive, because we know what a strain it can be for he who cannot even envisage coming out.
Things will gradually fall into place, but I'm afraid it will, at some point, be necessary to let your wife go. It doesn't mean you can't still be a good father to your children. It just means that you and your wife will become slightly estranged. But this process has already started, from what you tell us, and it looks as if you're going to have to take steps towards leading a more fulfilling and happier life. Being a happier person will make you into someone easier to be with, I'm sure.
Take courage and be brave, for the waters ahead are going to be rough and shaky.
PA

[pellaz]

be the practical gay man in a straight marriage;
try to develop an exit plan that preserves most of your assets. Dont blow up in a shower of emotion and slam the door and leave.
-Where are you going to live
-do you have a job
-what about the children
-build a circle of supportive friends for your exit.

if you suspect your not 101% straight dont get married.

if you are gay and have a deep friendship with your wife you might elect to continue somehow. Relationships gay, straight or bi are mostly the same. Dont count on a relationship gay or straight to change your life when you your self were not able to do this.
For me it was a BIG eye opener that gay men have relationships and they didn't differ from what i already had. After discovering that i hid in my closet till i figured more out.

[princealbertofb]

Wise words from Pellaz as well as Rawr.... good luck to you, Brandon..

[Jason74]

I have never been married but I have known older men that have been married and did come out later on in life and most of them did when the kids were out of the house. I think that if you do come out to your wife that you should tell your kids as well. I think that some couples that go through this same situation just make up reasons why they got divorced and leave the kids out of the truth. Tell everyone and be honest, communicate to your wife why you have been drifting apart in the bedroom and all other places and yeah I am sure that it will suck for her at first. Then I am sure she will come around and understand why you are the way you are and have been acting the way you have. That just my two cents

[GreyMarc]

I am actually trying to figure the same thing out for myself in a way. And i am glad i got to read this and all the replies, i hope they have helped you like i hope they have just helped me. Good luck.