Make or Break - letter of concern...

Hello,
I decided tonight after some thinking to put a letter into my ex who says he wants me back and deep down I want him back but its worded in a way to highlight issues without blaming each other...

Here goes:

Dear W,

I think it is time to put how i feel on paper so if one day you happen to loose me, youn can remember this... For years i have tried and failed to put you on the right path and help youachieve things that no partner would do. When i first met you despite the fact that you were virtually homeless with no job and had only a months wage left to your name I fell in love straight away, but your drinking has always affected us. I originally thought I met the man of my dreams, but it is becoming the man of my worst nightmare...

It is becoming thisd be4cause i was shown very little love after a year and i have fought to save us. I know this has failed and I know that you are no longer wanting me and I often question myself if I want you. I have wanted a relationship for so long where I feel loved but no boyfriend has ever shown it. I know im not the most attractive person and a lot of people find me kind of ugly and I know im no party animal and regarded as "boring" but surely I am intitled to be loved as well be someone?

My heart has always ment well despite my inner issues with my ADHD but i can only dream in life.. I am in despair at the moment and wish you understood but you wont be able to. I am worried about you because I know last night if i didnt pull you off that guy who has HIV, today you would begin feeling your body change as the virus spreads. I am aware that when your drunk protection isnt worn and despite your recent result being negative i feel if i dont act to protect you under alcohol it will become positive one day. I have decided after tonight that I wont be able to save you again from a potential 30 moment mistake as I wont be drinking out with you again.

I dont want to see a man who says we will get back together show me we wont by snogging and groping/be groped by three different people. I will of course go into towjn with you and drink in different bars as us together doesbnt work anymore. You tell me its ok for you to do it and make me watch, but i cant otherwise your head butt them. I feel angry at you for this as deep down you dont want me.. I do understand rejection as i have had it happen alot but i dont like games...

I wish the first time we split and I took you back you understood why.. It was because you went drinking heavily and missed work several times. With me if i had a boyfriend that I loved and he left me for drink I would do what I had to do to show him I love him. Sadly you cant and I think it is because your scared of change. Is it worth risking your job and home that you worked so hard for to get onto the property ladder for drink? Only you can decide that.

Your friends tell me that your a handful and when we were together I was told everything you did in a night out. Whgo you snogged and who you slept with. I kept this quiet to not cause issues but now i have to be honest. I do feel lonley all the time recently and if i had a 100% relationship with someone and sex was regular like the cuddles and company I wouldnt need to go places like the Sauna..

During our time we known each other I have tried to help you but things are always blamed on other stuff nbever yourself. If you didnt spend as much in pubs and cigarettes you could regularly see your son. He is missing you loads and you dont realise it. You blame money but how come you can find £80 to go on the piss up yet you say you donjt have £40 to take your son out and bond like a dad should? Maybe you will realise it isnt everyone it is you as well. Im not saying dont drink. Im saying be sensible. It is ok to admit drink is expensive and admit things to yourself and tell yourself that on the last working day.. You will see what is feesable whether it be £10/£20 a week or if you want to go somewhere more expensive and have a dance maybe once every two weeks £20/£40 and then onto home after it has all been spent so the whole months money is not blown in one go.

Due to lack of funds we are nbow in a problem where we have no money and the MOT is due and we will more than likely have to walk to work and back,. Sadly this is reality and needs to be sorted asap. Personally I would like you to be a loving, trustworth boyfriend but all the timne your trying to be a teenager at 34 your wasting your life and if i continue to try to change you im having mine wasted as well.. I would recommend facing hurdles in life and work to over come them like I do.

I will say I do get upset at coming home on a broken contract when you say "lets go for a couple" and it is many, as I end up not eating proper meals and have to clean up the dogs mess and newspaper we put down. When we bought this flat you was so happy yet all i see is now sadness. It isnt that expensive it is that we choose to blow our money and this has to stop. I hjave stopped and you need to as well. We used our months allowance when your mum was down and as a result burnt up a lot of petrol in town.

All i want is the old you back that loved me, supported me and helped me. I want the W i could cuddle up with in bed back and was up for sex reguarly back. I want us to go places I am dreaming of and be a proper relationship and not have you shun my affection anymore. If this letter doesnt fix it then all options are exhausted and we need to let go of our love and be able to both be free so i ask do you want me If sop work with me... If not be honest so i can enjoy my life and get my individuality back to be me

Love

Zeon x

Hopefully this will be an eye opener and hopefully the letter of concern for us works as we never really communicate which drives me banananas]#]

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon x

[Rainbowmum]

Aunty first let me say I would never intentionally hurt you.
I care for you very much and respect you.

I was in tears reading your letter ,and seeing how horrible he has been to you.
You are a very caring person and I respect you for all the people you try to help and do help.

It really hurts me to say this , but your ex already has a mistress he is dedicated to, and that mistress is not you , it is his addiction.
I know how intensely you love him , but you have to understand, no matter how much you want to help him , he first needs to want to help himself.

You deserve all the happiness that you have been dreaming of ,but right now your ex is on a road of self destruction, stick to your values , do not let him take you down with him.

There is someone else in this relationship and that is the young one , if he can't have you both in his life at least he can have one of you.

[mrk2010]

Right Zeon,

As your friend I'm going to have to say something about this and you might not agree with what I have to say but I want to stay true and honest and I hope you appreciate it. I'm going to try to write this without divulging too much info.

Basically I respect whatever choice you make in life but my opinion is you are setting yourself up for a fall and as a friend it has hard to watch this happen. You deserve so much better love. Based on what I know from your ex he has caused more hurt to you than what I can imagine and he has managed time and time, over and over again to worm his way back into your life. The way you are going you are going to be ruined, that man is going to ruin you, ruin your life and you are never going to be able to get it back.

How many times has he cheated on you? How much hurt has he given you? And most of all how much of a selfish get has he been to you? Your bf has had issues with alcohol and as a result hasn't treated you well and he may have been a nice person when you met but he simply isn't like that anymore. To me it just seems your relationship was based upon what he could get out of you, money so that he could fund his habit and it's got worse, worse and worse. He's probably in the past promised that he'd sweared he'd change for you and he hasn't, he has failed, he has failed on his promises and he has failed you his boyfriend. If you enter a relationship with him again he will take you for everything you have. You once told me that before you met him you had a little overdraft but since you met him this has spiralled further and you are in debt. Zeon he has already sucked your blood if you aren't careful he is going to come after the marrow in your bones and there will be nothing left and you might have to declare bankruptcy. I'm not going to lie and I'm not going to sugar coat this but I think he is a c**t and a selfish one at that.

Apart from the cheating etc you wrote on here he took drugs and you even said it was one of your rules as you are ANTIDRUG'S! Basically if you get back with him or enter a relationship your saying "well I just gave up on my principles, take as much coke as you want, I'll even inject some heroin into you if you like". Why are you giving up on your principles? Has he ground you down that much that you think it's acceptable? How much further can this man go ? How much further can he push you? What else can he do that is unacceptable that you will now just accept because he made you give up on your morals?

What really broke my heart as a friend was hearing you say the other week that you are stuck in the house just staring at the four walls while he goes shagging about. If he really cared and wanted you he'd be trying to make amends and not being a selfish c**t. When is it going to be your time to shine? To be made to feel so much more special? I remember when you two first broke up and it was on Facebook and one of your friends who probably knows you much better than me put "you can do so much better". That spoke volumes to me that others know what he is like. I'm sorry but as your friend I too have to say you can do so much better, you are selfless and help everyone, would u not want a boyfriend who looks after you for a change? You treasures you but most of all RESPECTS you and will not disregard you feelings for a bottle of vodka or a line of coke?

Now I'm going to announce this, I myself was in an abusive relationship and you Zeon helped me get out of it, my boyfriend made my life hell every day until I ended the abuse because you Zeon helped me. If you helped me, why can't you help yourself? Take your own advice? Although my abuse was physical yours is of a different nature I just wish you could see it.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer my view and my advice and I wanted this to be truthful, and I'll understand if you hate me or don't want to talk to me anymore after reading this. You are the nicest man ever and I respect you so much but I just hope you make the RIGHT choice for you and not through being manipulated.

I hope this is ok,

Mrk2010 *massive hugs*

Thanks for the advice guys... I know it isnt a practical thing this but to be honest love is so bloody complicated because falling in love is brilliant and lovely but when it goes sour its shitty and horrible and to be honest i think where im not wanting to just jump off the property ladder inj a hurry im determined in a small part to get him where his gotta be... I sometimes wish he would just for a day be normal again which he can be if he tries but a lot ofd the time he fails like on paydays.. I know when it comes to having no money and his totally sober his the nicest guy i could think of and it feels nice but now its like crap lol... I know as an outsider in another relationship my advice would be ditch the bitch but as an insider on this occassion it is very difficult to do that lol

[mrk2010]

Originally Posted by zeon

Thanks for the advice guys... I know it isnt a practical thing this but to be honest love is so bloody complicated because falling in love is brilliant and lovely but when it goes sour its shitty and horrible and to be honest i think where im not wanting to just jump off the property ladder inj a hurry im determined in a small part to get him where his gotta be... I sometimes wish he would just for a day be normal again which he can be if he tries but a lot ofd the time he fails like on paydays.. I know when it comes to having no money and his totally sober his the nicest guy i could think of and it feels nice but now its like crap lol... I know as an outsider in another relationship my advice would be ditch the bitch but as an insider on this occassion it is very difficult to do that lol

I'm sorry to me it's black and white sell the house get your own place and make him work for something for a change, it's not normal that two exes are together in that way, and sleep in the same bed. If you can't move on emotionally that's the reason for it, 6 years is a long time to be in a relationship but like I said to you I can cut people out of my life in a heartbeat, what do you have to lose? Cut the c**t out of your life. I'm sorry but I have a thing of people taking the piss and leeching off others. To an extent I've kind if help my tongue about this before but there you have it. To me W is a parasite and a pikey c**t, no amount of promises can change that, he's took the piss and you need to give him the push if you really want that.

Like I said your choice, your life, you only get 1 don't waste it.

I know u have mrk and u been a good friend... If i sell the flat before our contract is up i have to find an additional £6000 for repaying my mortgage early which i dont have lol... I was foolish to take out a 5 year fixed one and because its longer than needed the penalty is greater than a one or three year fixed lol... just had a phone call from him and wheni refused to pick him up and told him to get the bus home his fallen asleep and woken up in eastbourne 25 miles away (he thinks)ringing me in tears because he cant figure out his way home.. His begging me to pickj him up and i told him my crystal ball doesnt work and i dont know where is is

[mrk2010]

Originally Posted by zeon

I know u have mrk and u been a good friend... If i sell the flat before our contract is up i have to find an additional £6000 for repaying my mortgage early which i dont have lol... I was foolish to take out a 5 year fixed one and because its longer than needed the penalty is greater than a one or three year fixed lol... just had a phone call from him and wheni refused to pick him up and told him to get the bus home his fallen asleep and woken up in eastbourne 25 miles away (he thinks)ringing me in tears because he cant figure out his way home.. His begging me to pickj him up and i told him my crystal ball doesnt work and i dont know where is is

Let him fend for himself, he's a grown man

[pellaz]

zeon
you have been reading all the junk at gayspeak for a loong time. Well, you need to think how it apples to you. You choose to struggle with your relationship because you need a hobby. There is someone new out there who would be proud to be yours.

[mrk2010]

Originally Posted by pellaz

zeon
you have been reading all the junk at gayspeak for a loong time. Well, you need to think how it apples to you. You choose to struggle with your relationship because you need a hobby. There is someone new out there who would be proud to be yours.

I totally agree with this Pellaz.

[dfiant]

He is your ex for a very good reason.

You aren't his daddy, stop acting like it.

His loves his alcohol and drugs more than he loves anyone, including himself.

Kick the bitch to the curb and move on.

You are Number 1, not him.

Sorry to come across as harsh but I have very little respect for alcohol abusers coming from a family affected by alcoholism...NOTHING changes them.

[Watermark]

Addictions are hard - I have seen so many unhappy families because of alcohol problems. It's definately not worth sticking around if chance seems impossible.

[CustomMadeKid]

I don't really know you, so I apologise if my opinion isn't wanted/needed but it sounds like you've been through a lot of bad times with this guy. You've already done so much for him and tried to help him, there has to be a point where you say enough is enough and realise you deserve more. And I think now is that point.

There's so many more people out there who'd love a boyfriend as caring/loving as you, don't waste the love you have to give on someone who doesn't fully appreciate it. I understand it's hard to walk away from someone you care about and have an emotional attachment to but it isn't fair to waste any more of your time helping someone who needs to help himself.

That's just my advice, but good luck with whatever you decide!

Zeon...OMG...you are very brave to share something so personal here...it is heartbreaking for me to read. I can feel your pain and your hope and it is such a difficult position you are in here.

Everyone has given you brilliant advice but sometimes with such strong emotions and history we can be blinded so I am going to add one thing....do you have a desire or even a need to rescue him by any chance? Think about it a bit. The reason I ask...that is a deadly emotional position to be in...I know very well from personal experience.

When I read your post I couldn't help thinking about this one passage in the Thorn Birds that tore right through me and I have never forgot....

“The bird with the thorn in its breast, it follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing. At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come; it simply sings and sings until there is not the life left to utter another note. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it. Still we do it.”

If I could give you a hug I would but since I cant'..this will have to do

[DerJack]

Zeon, trying to help someone you love and deeply care for is a very noble cause, and I respect your determination, however, when such an action can be so detrimental to your own life so much to make you feel un-loved and un-cared for, then I think that you are going beyond your limits and that you should try and learn to love yourself again, before attempting to accept another person...

[ManicLewis21]

you shouldnt have to be going through the broken record routine everyday of your life while that loser is off partying accomplishing nothing with his life. the idea of this letter being written means you already know it wrong. IT's simply a matter of how fast you want to settle it. If you think he's attached to you. allow me to make it very clear that from an outside veiw it appears he really isnt attached to you anymore. and a relationship cant be one sided. it will never work. and someone will always be in pain. Pack your stuff up and hit the road. You finished your business with him a long time ago. And i must say- he doesnt deserve a BIT of your hospitality.