Would like some thoughts, opinions, etc. on some stuff

[BeautifulBlue]

I know I haven't formally introduced myself yet (and I will,) but I kinda wanted to get some stuff off my chest because I've been bothered by some of it for the past few nights.

Anyhow... my story (briefly.)

I'm BeautifulBlue, but you can call me Blue. I've been twenty for a few months now.

I was raised by abusive parents in Idaho. Due to religious persecution, lack of friends, my mother's agoraphobia and my father's alcoholism, I was forced to flee my homestate in 2010 to live where I do now with friends in Texas. I've been here for two years now and have run the gambit of personal issues, including but not limited to: dealing with social anxiety issues, getting over my fear of men, etc. In late 2010 I had a relationship sour which led to an emotional breakdown, which then led to ano official diagnosis of Bipolar 1 Disorder. Since December 2010, I have been on varying medications and am, as of tonight, switching over to a new one. I've been dealing with a lot of depression lately (even though I'm medicated for both bipolar disorder and depression,) but I'm having a lot of trouble the last few weeks, mainly with loneliness and that sort of thing.

Herein lies my problem...

I have tons of good things in my life.

- I have two great friends who don't make me pay rent and who have helped keep me upright since I've moved here.
- My writing career is finally starting to kick off and at the end of the month I'll receive my first big paycheck from self-publishing royalties (not enough to live alone, but enough to let me live more comfortably.)
- I'm medicated, and in generally good health
- I have a good group of friends outside of the ones I live with
- And I haven't had problems dating as of recently.

However... lately, as I've said before, I've been dealing with a lot of depression--most of it random, out of place, etc. I know this is part of the Bipolar process, but it doesn't help a whole lot.

Some things I've been bothered by recently are:

- My inability to maintain a relationship for a long time, as I can't seem to attract decent guys. The furthest I went in a 'psuedo-relationship' with a guy was one month... then he said he wanted someone to beat and belittle. Second guy who seemed to work out became too clingy and fell in love with me after three dates.
- My tension with living with said roommates. They're good people, but I feel really sheltered by them (almost to a suffocating point.)
- My mental wellbeing. I can no longer attend therapy at the gay youth center here in town and I do not have the money to afford it.

My mental wellbeing is my main problem right now, I think, and though it's something I've learned to live with, it's hard to adjust at times. I tried to get on social security but was denied disability because a psychologist deemed I could do 'less demanding work,' even though my anxiety and condition often leave me in positions where I shut down completely or I become completely violent. I cannot work because of this. This isn't an excuse to say I haven't tried to pursue a job (I tried for almost two years, the whole time I've been here.) I also tried to pursue college at one point, but one semester in, three horrible teachers and an inability to cope with the stress, I had another emotional breakdown that led to extreme thoughts of suicide, which in turn landed me in a psychiatric emergency hospital for four hours a day for two days straight (this is when I got new medication.) Now I'm switching to new medication and I'm dealing with the throes of unsurety.

I don't know what I'm really asking for at this point -- maybe some luck, good thoughts, support, etc. I'll ask questions if people want to answer them to explain my situation more in-depth (I won't make this first post majorly long,) but to answer one outright: No. I'm not suicidal. I'm just feeling really trapped and lonely in my own body.

Another question people will probably ask is why I don't talk to this about my friends. For the most part, whenever I try to talk to them, my issues get dumbed down -- that I don't have to worry about money because the roommates will cover me, that a guy will come around eventually, that your issues are chemical based and not due to any downward-spiraling self-doubt, etc. I also feel that when I try to verbally communicate with my roommates that they tell me to go get help, or to try and get help from these places, but I'm unable to due to medical situations, etc. I'm close to exhausting everything here except Texas' MAP (Medical Assistance Program) Program, which I'm not even sure I will qualify for in the next few months given that my income is increasing.

Anyhow... if anyone can give me some thoughts, I'd appreciate it. Right now I'd just really like to know that I'm not alone. Any support would be nice.

[Dan1980]

Hi Blue your not alone here. I have suffer from manic depression and have OCD.You will find your mr right I have after many years of trying.

[Ind]

I'd say maybe it's worth focusing on one thing at a time?

It will take some time for the new meds to kick in, so let's just wait and hope for the best. Also, it might be worth trying to do some therapy on your own. Internet has lots of self help resources. You could for example google "cbt anxiety worksheet" and work through some of those for your anxieties. It might seem pointless, but those things will benefit you if you stick to them. It does take a lot of work, though.

It's great that you realise the good stuff in your life as well. Don't worry about not having met the mr perferct yet. I think that once you make progress working through your mental issues, it will be easier to attract a decent guy and maintain a healthy relationship.

Good luck!

[pellaz]

any type of employment situation will make you feel better about yourself.

[dlboy53]

First off welcome aboard,
second sorry for the abuse that you went through and I know exactly how you feel, my adoptive parents abused me for years before the state finally stepped in and I will not ever return to that area of the state unless I have to.

What you need to do is focus on the good things that you say you have going for you.
I would say that you have a good career in writing keep it up it can pay good if you produce more good pieces. As far as school go there is no hurry to get done in 4 years but what I would suggest is taking writing classes (or what ever your into) one at a time so the stress does not build to high for you. It took me 20 year to get my degree but most of that was because I like to learn so I was never really into the degree thing.

As far as the relationship thing goes which I'm no expert at. I would say keep trying to find that special someone and keep working on your personal issues which might be the root of your problems.

[BeautifulBlue]

Originally Posted by Ind

I'd say maybe it's worth focusing on one thing at a time?

It will take some time for the new meds to kick in, so let's just wait and hope for the best. Also, it might be worth trying to do some therapy on your own. Internet has lots of self help resources. You could for example google "cbt anxiety worksheet" and work through some of those for your anxieties. It might seem pointless, but those things will benefit you if you stick to them. It does take a lot of work, though.

It's great that you realise the good stuff in your life as well. Don't worry about not having met the mr perferct yet. I think that once you make progress working through your mental issues, it will be easier to attract a decent guy and maintain a healthy relationship.

Good luck!

I'll google the worksheet you suggested later in the day once I've (hopefully) had some sleep.

Originally Posted by pellaz

any type of employment situation will make you feel better about yourself.

Again, I can't work around people. I couldn't even stand to be in college. :/

Originally Posted by dlboy53

First off welcome aboard,
second sorry for the abuse that you went through and I know exactly how you feel, my adoptive parents abused me for years before the state finally stepped in and I will not ever return to that area of the state unless I have to.

What you need to do is focus on the good things that you say you have going for you.
I would say that you have a good career in writing keep it up it can pay good if you produce more good pieces. As far as school go there is no hurry to get done in 4 years but what I would suggest is taking writing classes (or what ever your into) one at a time so the stress does not build to high for you. It took me 20 year to get my degree but most of that was because I like to learn so I was never really into the degree thing.

As far as the relationship thing goes which I'm no expert at. I would say keep trying to find that special someone and keep working on your personal issues which might be the root of your problems.

People have suggested I try writing classes, but I've learned from seeing my roommate go through art school that being 'taught' the creative arts kills your drive. I'm terrified to death of actually being put through a rigorous exercise of having my work ripped apart and remolded to some so called 'teacher's' point of view. It's not that it's a bad suggestion--I've just run that sort of gambit before with critique groups and have had the same problem.

And yeah. The personal issues are definitely a lot of my problem. I've been able to work on a lot of them over the past two years, but they're still there.

[dlboy53]

Yea I guess I can see your point about the critque part, probably why I don draw much now.

[TomStatic]

Your defnetly not alone here
my adive is just always not take life so seriously
just go with whatever comes naturally
maybe some legal weed to that might help u relax

[BeautifulBlue]

Originally Posted by dlboy53

Yea I guess I can see your point about the critque part, probably why I don draw much now.

I just don't want to kill what I love.

And I'm sorry to hear you don't draw. I would hope you would get back into it. I'd love to see some of your work, even if it's just a quick sketch.

Originally Posted by TomStatic

Your defnetly not alone here
my adive is just always not take life so seriously
just go with whatever comes naturally
maybe some legal weed to that might help u relax

I've been told to try weed, but I don't suffer from just anxiety anxiety -- I suffer from chemical imbalances that alter my moods.

[Pix]

IIRC, a guy I know had to be hospitalized because he was given meds for depression when he was bipolar. All I recall is that the way depression meds work have a way of exacerbating bipolar so that the ups are much higher while the downs are much worse. So I wonder how much of your difficulties might be in the meds.

Also, if you saw a psychologist given to you by SSI, get another one (NOT assigned by social security). And then get a lawyer, they're well worth the fee (they get a percentage of your settlement and I think there's only so much they're allowed to collect). If I understand correctly it's actually easier to get on disability from a psychiatric problem AS LONG AS you have a lawyer on your side, and it's such the the social security office won't even fight it. I understand it takes months to years to get it but that you get paid from when you applied, I think. That said there are so many problems that getting and staying on SSI is kinda like having a job, and without further help (which may endanger your bennies) you may find it's not enough to keep you off the streets in which case you can easily lose it if SSI can't get in contact with you (I've worked with plenty of homeless people who had this problem and they, along with a few social workers I worked with as a volunteer, are the ones I got most of what I'm sharing here, and included the guy I mentioned at the top who was bipolar and made worse by depression meds).

And be careful of Texas mental health services. One person told me that they just got everyone they could on meds, put them in government housing, and then collected checks which they skimmed (that is, they weren't interested in helping anyone they were just screwing over the mentally ill).

I know I had problems there myself. I got locked in a private mental hospital in the Houston area at the urging of a school psychologist and it came out later that the guy who talked me & my parents into having me put there got a bounty per kid and the hospital then proceeded to abuse the inmates and send out form letters that the kids were better (they also "treated" adults) once the parental insurance was used up. I wasn't mentally ill when I went in but I came out with PTSD from the vicious abuse I endured and I suspect the drugs they forced me contributed to both short term psychological problems (hard to say as when I got out my 'rents were in a violent, hellish divorce which was the last thing I needed) as well as long term physical problems (though a doctor gave an alternative explanation I suspect the drugs contributed to it because of a detail I don't feel like explaining right now).

Just be careful.

[BeautifulBlue]

IIRC, a guy I know had to be hospitalized because he was given meds for depression when he was bipolar. All I recall is that the way depression meds work have a way of exacerbating bipolar so that the ups are much higher while the downs are much worse. So I wonder how much of your difficulties might be in the meds.

I take antipsychotics as well. If I have a good mix, I'm fine. If not... eh.

My only problem right now with getting lawyers/psychological approval is that I don't have the money to do it. Right now the money I will soon be receiving will have to go to paying for my medication, my student loans, that sort of thing. :/

And yeah -- I'm being extremely careful. I hope in the future my writing will bring me enough income and that by that time, I'll be living with another guy to balance stuff out.

Also -- I'm sorry to hear about your experience. That's absolutely fucking horrible.

[judith4live]

I have tons of good things in my life.

[worknlife]

I agree with Tom. Depression run in my family and on occasion I get into one of those slumps. I used to be a COO of a construction firm and I moved so fast that I lost track of “me”. after the company was forced to close I looked around and realized how beautiful the simple things are: flowers, books, my dog ect… It made me feel so blessed. And trust me when I say you are not the only one that has a problem either holding on to a man or attracting the wrong man. I have posted a bit on here and I have dated a man 20yrs older from me, I dated a man who eventually said he will never fit into my life style, I had one try to fight me and trust me the list goes on. Life is beautiful and it may seem very dark at some times but there is much more light then there is darkness. Keep your head up and your soul mate will enter your life when its time, keep dating and you will find him. I mean you have already accomplished much….. I hope this helps

[ceez]

hello blue, I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through so much. I have some mental problems myself but I still haven't been checked out. do you exercise? it's what I do when I need to clear my head or let some aggression out.

college is stressful, I've had anxiety attacks before in class and had to leave for a moment and took a short walk to calm myself down. you have to take it one step at a time and do not hesitate to ask someone for help, it doesn't have to be the teacher it could be a classmate or tutor.

you should feel proud about starting your writing career and I hope it will help you feel better. life sucks ass but we have to keep pushing forward.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I missed this post the first time around.

Since you have been hospitalized and are still tinkering with medication, Disability should not be off the table.

Forget what one doctor says, instead see what an attorney says. Find a A social Security Advocate in your area - you said Texas, so here is a Google: [Only registered members can see links. ]

S/he will get you to the right doctors and will assess your case from the legal (not medical) side of things.