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A bit of sad feelings for my ex (gay partner)
#1
Hi all!

I am looking for some advice as I still feel sad for my ex particularly for how things developed. My ex and I were together for 11 years, we enjoyed many aspects of life as we both grew up in our careers and our personal lives. I would say we enjoyed life for the most part of that time, however, we ended our relationship abruptly last summer.

The reasons for the breakup are many, we no longer shared common goals, he was constantly moaning about our life as a settled couple, I was complaining about his sometimes controlling behaviour, our families exerted some influence in our social lives so we had very little face to face time and of course, our sex life was limited or non existent towards the end of the relationship.

Financial arrangements also played a role as I payed for almost all of the expenses related to building our dream house. He was in charge of groceries but he was getting far too much wine and expensive delicacies. This led to financial problems for him and I was often covering his expenses. We earned the same amount per month so I was perplexed for his lack of financial skills, he never wanted a shared budget or get educated in financial matter. I have to mention he decided to relocate and quit a rather good job to be together, this happened about 5 years ago. In the end we both had good jobs with a good salary.

One of the constants in the past 2 years was his desire for a threesome. We are both in our early 40s and he use to say that if we decided for a threesome we had to do it very soon. I disagreed to this since we had had a rather good sex life which in the last couple of years was rare or non-existent. I did not look for sex outside of the relationship while our relationship lasted but I must confess I was suffering on this respect. I talked to him about it but he was often dismissive and use to say he just was not interested in it or did not feel the energy to do it. He looked OK with the lack of sex but was very attracted to the threesome thing, I thought of it as his fantasy. One day he managed to almost bring a younger guy home but I said no as I felt betrayed by this behaviour. He really seemed to want a threesome.

So, last summer, I was really needing him when he showed me Grindr and the variety of men we could be bedding that very night if we wanted. I felt rather uncomfortable and asked him to delete the app immediately, which he did. After this he kept on asking about the threesome and in a moment of desperation, thinking we could have our sex life back, I agreed to one threesome.

After the first threesome I felt different, I no longer felt "his", or exclusive and I did not fully enjoy the experience. I have to say I did not finish and found the whole thing impersonal. He, on the other hand, finished and felt very happy after it. Since I agreed to it I could sleep that night and was OK with it. After this, he seemed to have liked the experience and asked me if I wanted another one, I said yes so he (I stress it as he was in control of the app on his mobile phone) hooked up with different guys, we ended up having 4 "guests" in about 10 days time.

Things started spiralling out of control when I greeted our 4th guest 10 days after. I immediately felt very attracted to him. We 3 started having a chat and then we ended up in bed, my partner left very soon after and I lost control of the time the third and I spent together but it was to me the most gratifying experience in a long time. After that night, my ex told me he wanted to open up the relationship, that it was OK if our new guest became our third wheel so to speak. I was definitely on board with the idea and I started courting our new lover.

Needless to say, my partner became my ex one month after this. He threatened to leave me for at least five times without actually doing it. Every time he threatened me I was moving one step away from him and two closer to my new partner. Things became ugly as my ex made some scenes in front of my family, he asked me to leave (my) house and go live with my parents while he found a proper place to live, etc. I did so while having counselling but my ex's behaviour became extreme and I often feared he would hit me, he was really jealous and I don't blame him. My ex even made responsible for having "ruined" his life.

I became closer to my new partner who is much more compatible with me. He is kind, respectful and is not at all controlling. We talked about the facts regarding the way we met and we agreed to date as boyfriends for the time being. It has been 5 months since my ex partner left and I occasionally hear about him. He seems rather upset, still, and quite hurt for what happened. I normally do not feel guilty but there are occasions when I do, particularly because I am having a very happy time myself. We broke all communication and it seems I am moving on nicely into this fantastic, new, fresh and happy relationship.

I apologise for a rather long thread, I am writing this so I can vent a little bit as sometimes I feel rather sad for my ex's situation. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes part of my house remind me of my ex. When my new boyfriend comes, however, I forget about my ex and we have a rather good time together. I do not feel guilty as I know he looked for it by seeking a threesome so eagerly, we were both very naive by not setting precise rules and unfortunately (for my ex) what my new partner and I feel is very strong!

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Will the sad feeling for the ex go? Am I going too fast into my new relationship? If someone has been in a similar situation, how it ended up for you and your ex?
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#2
Well...I have never been in your situation but I have heard this as one of the warnings for people who have three ways....that one might stray into the arms of another.....

I thought it might be folklore really...but your story clearly indicates it is not folklore...so I learned something new....

If I am being completely honest...I kinda feel sorry for your ex too. I have a very strong sense of loyalty so even if I didn't want to be with an ex...I would never take this route you did. My sense of loyalty just wouldn't allow it....but that is just a quirk with me....and it is sometimes a real burden so I am not suggesting it is a virtue...just a difference...

I also kinda wonder about the new guy. He does know what he did ...yes? The thing is...when you build a relationship with anyone...there should be a good foundation...and you guys don't have one IMO.....

Are you aware that there are some men (but very common with women) who intentionally seek out couples so they can "win" the love of one of them? I hope he isn't one of them but in case you find out he is down the line you might want to be prepared for that. They never get enough though....because they didn't really win anything...and what they need to "win" is their own mental health.

Which brings me to another question. You said he asked to open up the relationship...what does that mean? Did it mean you were both going to find someone else and leave the other one? If so...why not just break up? It seems kinda murky to do it any other way.....
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#3
I don't feel sorry for your ex, and I don't think you should either. People need to take responsibility for their decisions and actions. Your partner decided he wanted to play with a third. If he didn't know there were potential risks in doing so, he's an idiot.

It's clear to me that, after 11 years, there were some big cracks in your relationship, cracks that this new man has now filled for you. You've moved on to another relationship. Your ex will now have to do the same. Hurt feelings? Sure. Of course there are. Guilt feelings? Sure, of course there are. But everyone in this asinine scenario needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for what they wanted, what they got, and the consequences.
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#4
East Wrote:Well...I have never been in your situation but I have heard this as one of the warnings for people who have three ways....that one might stray into the arms of another.....

That's how mine and my bf's relationship began, I had a threesome with him and his ex (who was my friend at the time, and it was his idea). Shortly after, their relationship ended, and my friendship with the ex ended. After they were separated for about four months he called me and told me he had thought about me since our threesome, we started dating and have been together for ten years now.
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#5
Pcolakuntryboy Wrote:That's how mine and my bf's relationship began, I had a threesome with him and his ex (who was my friend at the time, and it was his idea). Shortly after, their relationship ended, and my friendship with the ex ended. After they were separated for about four months he called me and told me he had thought about me since our threesome, we started dating and have been together for ten years now.

Well..in the context I was referring to..this is a bit different because they had already broken up and moved on which I see as a completely different scenario and a non issue since there is no deception involved.
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#6
No I haven't been in such situation.

But, from my point of view, I find it obvious that you'd feel this way. After all, you invested 11 years in him and that's not a short time. I'm sure there were good times there, but, things went they way they did and that cycle ended.

It's nothing uncommon having such thoughts, but things happened for very specific reasons, so remember that. Mike, above me, said it: One needs to take responsibility for what one does. And your ex certainly had quite a few reprimendable actions on his side, which is why things ended in the first place.

For the moment, focus on what you have at the moment. It will get easier in time to leave the past in the past Smile
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#7
East Wrote:I thought it might be folklore really...but your story clearly indicates it is not folklore...so I learned something new....

I am glad you can learn from this. I certainly did, as Mike (below) pointed out you need to learn and grow, I certainly have.

East Wrote:If I am being completely honest...I kinda feel sorry for your ex too. I have a very strong sense of loyalty so even if I didn't want to be with an ex...I would never take this route you did. My sense of loyalty just wouldn't allow it....but that is just a quirk with me....and it is sometimes a real burden so I am not suggesting it is a virtue...just a difference...

I understand what you are saying. At the beginning I felt was betraying my ex but then I grew out of this by understanding my ex REALLY messed up on this one and he betrayed me first by even suggesting the threesome in the first place, he knew perfectly well I did not want one.

East Wrote:Which brings me to another question. You said he asked to open up the relationship...what does that mean? Did it mean you were both going to find someone else and leave the other one? If so...why not just break up? It seems kinda murky to do it any other way.....

From what I gather, my ex meant to bring a third home as another member of the relationship. I found the idea crazy but found out there are cases of what is knows as polyamorous relationships. I only warmed to the idea because that would bring my new partner even closer. Soon I realised the polyamorous thing is really not for me.

Thanks for commenting!
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#8
Actions have consequences. Your ex chose something that ruined your relationship, however I bet it was on the downward slide anyway, if you are honest about it.

Having said that, I wouldn't be too quick to fall in love with the new guy. Your relationship started off on a pretty murky situation.
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#9
Hmm, it sounds almost like your ex was maybe pushing you away towards the end. Why was it okay for him to dismiss your feelings and beg for a threesome? With the lack of sex and stability in some areas, I can only think you falling for someone else was inevitable.

It's natural to feel guilty, but you have to take your own happiness on board.
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#10
Gary Wrote:From what I gather, my ex meant to bring a third home as another member of the relationship. I found the idea crazy but found out there are cases of what is knows as polyamorous relationships. I only warmed to the idea because that would bring my new partner even closer. Soon I realised the polyamorous thing is really not for me.

For me...that changes the dynamics...a lot....

I first though that it might be a case of betrayal or imagined betrayal but with this scenario it seems like an entirely different thing. Maybe he is upset because you found someone first?

I guess I was thinking of 3-Way in the context of strictly sexual.....didn't even consider the polyamorous possibility....

I don't understand polyamory so I would assume if someone wanted this it sounds like a polite way of suggesting we each look for someone else....
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