verysimple Wrote:It hurts so much Mikey... I have to live with this nightmare everyday and they are SO CRUEL towards me... they still do talk mad bitter to me, they never liked me and then they say that I am the one who doesn't "Fit in"
I mean, is it too much to ask for a loving, warm family?? Cuz those people sure are nasty evil humans!
Well, be thankful for small favors--fitting into that kind of world would be a kind of punishment in itself.
The society you have grown up in is sick, and you have begun to realize it, which is both a blessing and a curse. Follow through with you plan to get the hell out as soon as possible, and be grateful when you do, because societies like the one you are living in will have a shorter and shorter life-span as technological innovation slowly spreads and the older generations die out.
Best of Luck,
~Beaux
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I grew up in abusive home and for what it's worth I found that it really helps if you pity them instead of hating them.
I spent my first year away from home carrying around anger and resentment. All it did was stop me moving on and enjoying my life.
Your heart might soften but realise that no matter what you do or say they are never going to change. It's important to remember that you have absolutely no responsibility to them. Just get out of there as soon as you can and try to remember them for the deeply flawed, sad, lost humans that they were.
Oh and plenty of people will try to tell you " that you shouldn't give up family" or "but he's your father". Those people invariably had happy childhoods and don't have a clue what they're talking about.
Sure they're blood relatives but that doesn't have to mean a thing if you don't want it to.
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Thank you for sharing your story, although it has shocked me for minutes. I can't say I'm sorry for you because I know how brave you are. I guess your best move right now is to accept your past as it is, so that its memories will never cause you any more pain in your present. You then realize you've reconciled with yourself. I can't say I have a valuable comment on this, but you know how much I support you.
No one can be in your shoes except you, and my advice won't change until you do so: leave your country and never come back.
Love and peace!! 
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:At 49 years of age I am still dealing with "stuff" from the ancient past (my childhood).
The blanket statement "it gets better" isn't a full truth, nor is it a full out lie.
The reality is "it gets better IF you do something to make it better."
I can tell you that what I did to deal with "shit" wasn't altogether the healthiest way to deal with shit. Instead I took to alcohol and drugs to self medicate, then tried suicide and a few other interesting things, then I didn't seek 100% honest truthful assistance with my "crap". I lied, profusely, continuously and only slowly through decades admit to truths, which once I admitted to 'simple facts' I was able to start working on aspects of my ancient past.
In one way it was the best way (for me) to deal with the crap - but then dealing with all of the crap at once mayn't have ended well.
It seems to me you are admitting and trying to deal with some of your crap, which at aged 20 is hella times better than waiting until you are 30 - you are a decade ahead in this game, which means that you have a much higher success rate IF you figure out how to seek out professional help to actually work on your crap.
I'm sorry, but coming to some random forum and admitting to X, Y, and Z is only about 2% of the hard work - you need professional help to deal with the abuse and the fall out of that abuse and the emotional wreckage that you have been left with.
How you proceed from here is dependent on various factors, a few are the culture you are in (not conductive to LGBT concerns, so getting the right professional help is going to be hard. Another aspect is knowing your limitations. Yeah sure, ideally dealing with all of the crap and learning coping skills and moving on is an ideal, but practically humans do not work that way, humans need time, need to box things up into smaller, easier to handle packages and learn how to stack those smaller packages in a tidy heap someplace isolated from 'normal' life which allows them access to the 'crap' yet in a healthy way, to where you can learn from these experiences positive stuff that allows you to be a 'good person' with the rest of your life.
I won't lie, its not an easy job, its a lot of hard work and for most people its a never ending job. BUT I can assure you that if you are honest and open with yourself you do not have to allow all of this to destroy the good man that is you.
Sure, it is easy to play the blame game, however learning how to forgive, how to give THOSE PEOPLE the allowance to go ahead and live the rest of their life the way they want to is part of the learning process that makes you a better person.
Yes you are hurt, injured, sad, etc. etc. etc - all of these are valid emotions to have, however if you allow those to be the only emotions you let form you from here on out then you will not be a healthy man later on. Reconciliation between 'the hurt one' and 'myself' isn't an easy thing, and the older you get, and the longer you allow the 'hurt one' to carry the pain, the harder it will be to find 'myself'.
No, you cannot run away from this. Sure you may think running to a more LGBT tolerant place will make life easier, but it won't - where ever you go there YOU will be, that you will include all of this other crap as well.
You need, therefore, figure out a system that allows you to live with the man in the mirror. I'm sorry there is no one size fits all solution for that. Your path from here to the future is unknown and unknowable. You can choose to take the bad with you or the good.
That is all the best advice I have for ya. Sorry.
To be honest, this post is rather depressing to read. Stating that "running" to a more LGBT tolerant place won't make life easier is pure bullshit! That clearly and surly shows you have absolutely no idea what it's like to live somewhere in a community that rejects your existence as a homosexual. Hence, you are not allowed to think, feel or live... YES, IT IS THAT BAD! Let alone not being accepted by your family without them even knowing that you are gay... I don't ask for life to be easier although I am pretty sure it will get easier.. I'm just asking for a better life, somewhere I can just be! Somewhere life can be simple. and I know that then it will be up to me to live it simple. That's why leaving all of this shit behind is the best thing that could ever happen to me... Ever!
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You will find a better place to live (any place would have to be better) and you will find friends who will love and accept you just the way you are. The tricky part will be not letting these past 20 years of your life make you bitter. If it does, these assholes win. You can't let them win. I think they know that if they can't destroy you any other way, they can destroy you by poisoning your mind with hatred and bitterness toward them. They win because they know that hatred will destroy. You can't let your past dictate your future.
Move as soon as you can and choose to be happy, choose not to hate like them.
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verysimple Wrote:To be honest, this post is rather depressing to read. Stating that "running" to a more LGBT tolerant place won't make life easier is pure bullshit! That clearly and surly shows you have absolutely no idea what it's like to live somewhere in a community that rejects your existence as a homosexual. Hence, you are not allowed to think, feel or live... YES, IT IS THAT BAD! Let alone not being accepted by your family without them even knowing that you are gay... I don't ask for life to be easier although I am pretty sure it will get easier.. I'm just asking for a better life, somewhere I can just be! Somewhere life can be simple. and I know that then it will be up to me to live it simple. That's why leaving all of this shit behind is the best thing that could ever happen to me... Ever!
Try the USA in the 1980's sure they were not legally killing gays on the streets for shits and giggles, but killing gays was a past-time for many.
Sorry there is no "better" life - you got the life you got - and we all got our problems to iron out - everyone's life is a rank stanky pile of shit - your pile of shit is the gay thing, someone elses is too much money, another's is not having a home - or a cardboard box to live in.
Yeah its depressing as hell - welcome to earth - enjoy.
Moving someplace more 'gay tolerant' won't fix the rest of the crap on your plate. Period.
Trust me, come 29 years down the road you will be saying the same thing to another 20 year old who just doesn't get the whole bigger picture- yet.
Sure you will.... in time... how much time depends on how much you choose to learn from the experiences of others.
One thing for certain, is you failed to understand I am 49 years of age, I lived through the US persecution, the Gay Plague and many of the other gay - hate filled fun times of the last century. So yeah I DO KNOW where you are, and in 20 years or so you will have a 20 some3thing upstart daring to tell tou you have no clue because even right now as this conversation is unfolding changes for the LGBT community in Jordon are taking place, just like they did 20+ years ago for the UK, Canada, USA.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:At 49 years of age I am still dealing with "stuff" from the ancient past (my childhood).
The blanket statement "it gets better" isn't a full truth, nor is it a full out lie.
The reality is "it gets better IF you do something to make it better."
I can tell you that what I did to deal with "shit" wasn't altogether the healthiest way to deal with shit. Instead I took to alcohol and drugs to self medicate, then tried suicide and a few other interesting things, then I didn't seek 100% honest truthful assistance with my "crap". I lied, profusely, continuously and only slowly through decades admit to truths, which once I admitted to 'simple facts' I was able to start working on aspects of my ancient past.
In one way it was the best way (for me) to deal with the crap - but then dealing with all of the crap at once mayn't have ended well.
It seems to me you are admitting and trying to deal with some of your crap, which at aged 20 is hella times better than waiting until you are 30 - you are a decade ahead in this game, which means that you have a much higher success rate IF you figure out how to seek out professional help to actually work on your crap.
I'm sorry, but coming to some random forum and admitting to X, Y, and Z is only about 2% of the hard work - you need professional help to deal with the abuse and the fall out of that abuse and the emotional wreckage that you have been left with.
How you proceed from here is dependent on various factors, a few are the culture you are in (not conductive to LGBT concerns, so getting the right professional help is going to be hard. Another aspect is knowing your limitations. Yeah sure, ideally dealing with all of the crap and learning coping skills and moving on is an ideal, but practically humans do not work that way, humans need time, need to box things up into smaller, easier to handle packages and learn how to stack those smaller packages in a tidy heap someplace isolated from 'normal' life which allows them access to the 'crap' yet in a healthy way, to where you can learn from these experiences positive stuff that allows you to be a 'good person' with the rest of your life.
I won't lie, its not an easy job, its a lot of hard work and for most people its a never ending job. BUT I can assure you that if you are honest and open with yourself you do not have to allow all of this to destroy the good man that is you.
Sure, it is easy to play the blame game, however learning how to forgive, how to give THOSE PEOPLE the allowance to go ahead and live the rest of their life the way they want to is part of the learning process that makes you a better person.
Yes you are hurt, injured, sad, etc. etc. etc - all of these are valid emotions to have, however if you allow those to be the only emotions you let form you from here on out then you will not be a healthy man later on. Reconciliation between 'the hurt one' and 'myself' isn't an easy thing, and the older you get, and the longer you allow the 'hurt one' to carry the pain, the harder it will be to find 'myself'.
No, you cannot run away from this. Sure you may think running to a more LGBT tolerant place will make life easier, but it won't - where ever you go there YOU will be, that you will include all of this other crap as well.
You need, therefore, figure out a system that allows you to live with the man in the mirror. I'm sorry there is no one size fits all solution for that. Your path from here to the future is unknown and unknowable. You can choose to take the bad with you or the good.
That is all the best advice I have for ya. Sorry.
To be honest, this post is rather depressing to read. Stating that "running" to a more LGBT tolerant place won't make life easier is pure bullshit! That clearly and surly shows you have absolutely no idea what it's like to live somewhere in a community that rejects your existence as a homosexual. Hence, you are not allowed to think, feel or live... YES, IT IS THAT BAD! Let alone not being accepted by your family without them even knowing that you are gay... I don't ask for life to be easier although I am pretty sure it will get easier.. I'm just asking for a better life, somewhere I can just be! Somewhere life can be simple. and I know that then it will be up to me to live it simple. That's why leaving all of this shit behind is the best thing that could ever happen to me... Ever!
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Try the USA in the 1980's sure they were not legally killing gays on the streets for shits and giggles, but killing gays was a past-time for many.
Sorry there is no "better" life - you got the life you got - and we all got our problems to iron out - everyone's life is a rank stanky pile of shit - your pile of shit is the gay thing, someone elses is too much money, another's is not having a home - or a cardboard box to live in.
Yeah its depressing as hell - welcome to earth - enjoy.
Moving someplace more 'gay tolerant' won't fix the rest of the crap on your plate. Period.
Trust me, come 29 years down the road you will be saying the same thing to another 20 year old who just doesn't get the whole bigger picture- yet.
Sure you will.... in time... how much time depends on how much you choose to learn from the experiences of others.
One thing for certain, is you failed to understand I am 49 years of age, I lived through the US persecution, the Gay Plague and many of the other gay - hate filled fun times of the last century. So yeah I DO KNOW where you are, and in 20 years or so you will have a 20 some3thing upstart daring to tell tou you have no clue because even right now as this conversation is unfolding changes for the LGBT community in Jordon are taking place, just like they did 20+ years ago for the UK, Canada, USA.
I'm sorry but your post is just wayy too negative for me... which is offensive to me. It is complete bullshit! I've had enough pessimism from my family and the society around me and one thing I learned from that is to push all of this shit out of my way and not listen to it... U don't know me or anything about me so you can't rlly say that life "won't get better" for me, I'm not you and what I have been through is different from what you have been through.. Our destinies and fates are different! The earth is a simple, beautiful world it's the shitty nature of humans that corrupted it so don't blame our shitty nature on the planet... Sure, shit happens to everyone all the time and it is up to me to choose how to feel about it. So I choose to be happy! You lived more than me and experienced and been through so much more than me.. sure! You may know more than I do but truth is... Who the hell R U to tell me whether life will get better for me or not.. That's not your call mate! And your advice wasn't an advice it was a bunch of negative remarks! period!
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verysimple Wrote:I'm sorry but your post is just wayy too negative for me... which is offensive to me. It is complete bullshit! I've had enough pessimism from my family and the society around me and one thing I learned from that is to push all of this shit out of my way and not listen to it... U don't know me or anything about me so you can't rlly say that life "won't get better" for me, I'm not you and what I have been through is different from what you have been through.. Our destinies and fates are different! The earth is a simple, beautiful world it's the shitty nature of humans that corrupted it so don't blame our shitty nature on the planet... Sure, shit happens to everyone all the time and it is up to me to choose how to feel about it. So I choose to be happy! You lived more than me and experienced and been through so much more than me.. sure! You may know more than I do but truth is... Who the hell R U to tell me whether life will get better for me or not.. That's not your call mate! And your advice wasn't an advice it was a bunch of negative remarks! period!
Well, while I agree with you, some people will never see someone else's situation as more precarious than their own.
Take the good, and leave the negative behind. That is good advice for any situation, actually.
Xoxo,
Beaux
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I was an out gay man in the USA in the 1980s. There were plenty of places in cities where it was easy to be gay. One friend was gay bashed, all the rest weren't.
There is a better life for you. We all have our gifts to develop and share. Living in a place more suitable to you will enable you to cultivate your talents. Yes that's exciting as can be, welcome to earth, enjoy it while you're here.
Trust me, come 31 years down the road you will be able to pay it forward to another 20 year old who could use a little encouragement to change his situation for the better, who knows that a positive attitude makes life a lot easier, and change is always a possibility.
I am 51 years of age, lived through the same times as everyone else my age. VerySimple, I don't know a lot about you, but I do see your yearning for a better life for yourself, and that you are willing to make the changes needed to create that. This site can be a great sounding board to explore your hopes, dreams, and aspirations and talk about how to manifest that in your life. May things get better in Jordan and may you also find away out in the near future, since that is what you want.
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