Can gay men be surprisingly fussy when choosing dates and partners?

[Uneunsae]

Everyone has qualities they want in a partner. Throughout my life, people told me to lower my standards without ever knowing the reasoning behind them. Guess what - when I listened to what I desire in a partner, I had successful and wonderful relationships.

When I took the advice of others and lowered the standards they perceived as high, the relationships were disastrous.

I know myself better than others.

There are gay men who behave like high school girls and don't associate with anyone who doesn't fit their "in crowd" but I think that's something different than dating standards. I don't hang around those guys.

[ChadCoxRox]

No fats
No Fems
No Asians
No Blacks
No Whites
Caucasians
Masculine
Very good looking
Non-scene
Laid back
Down to earth
ub2

all that pre-sorting only helps to limit your options finding that spark

Point well made.

[Lycanthropist]

For myself, I don't necessarily go for looks any more. I still have to have attraction toward someone, but I find a lot of 'scruffy' looking guys to be attractive. There is one caveat to that in that they have to be clean. By that I mean bathe on a regular and consistent basis. I'm dumbfounded by the amount of people I meet in my area that are adverse to a daily bathing regiment. Absolutely astounding.

I finally figured out why my past few dating relationships have failed. It was for lack of intellect. I cannot be with someone if I have to explain everything I mention as far as jokes or just regular conversation. Many people really don't have a clue, and are just interested in what I call 'bar life'. I would rather be on my own than to wallow in the frustration of teaching someone about life. Especially if they have been out of school for a number of years. Oblivion must be a wonderful place to live because there are many who have taken up residence.

[Uneunsae]

Yes, the best partner I ever had fit all my "standards" (such an ugly way to put it), and we were very harmonious and compatible. We didn't have to explain ourselves to each other much because we just got each other. We matched intellectually and had similar life experience. It was the most wonderful three years of my life.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Most humans are picky when it comes to potential mates. Its biology, can't argue it, can win over it. It is there and we as a species are deluded into thinking that we are beyond our animal drives.

Regardless of sexual orientation.

You are noticing it in the gay community because, I assume, you are trying to date gay guys thus are more aware of the 'politics' of gay dating and its scene.

I think, judging from all of those periodicals and research papers I have read through the years, that males are surprisingly a bit more picky than females when it comes to physical demands that they make for their potential partners.

Therefore we have a sick society that sets impossibly high standards on 'beauty' when it comes to the females of the species. And that is not something new - we have a long history of women doing horrific things to themselves in order to be 'pretty' from the foot binding to having ribs removed. Today its breast implants, hair dyes, and plastic surgery. Many women are injecting known deadly toxins into their face in order to achieve an unrealistic ideal of beauty - Botox.

Historically men are allowed to be a bit fat, a bit wrinkling, a bit out of shape and women still love them. This is the female lack of interest in physical beauty that allowed men to be dumpy.

Male personalities being what they are is what affects a lot of the interpersonal relationships in the gay community. And Women's personalities affect a lot of what happens in the lesbian community. For instance, the on going joke is that lesbians go from relationship to relationship while gay men are promiscuous.

That is not a feature of gay/lesbian hard-wiring, that is a feature of gender wiring. That is a feature of how the sexes work toward insuring the survival of the DNA.

Woman is even more judgmental and demanding in her potential mates than man. However her judgments are based on things one can't see - such as scent. Women are indeed more attracted to potential protectors and providers. Thus the predilection of the 'bad-boy' persona (which is one far more able to potentially provide), or older man.


"Pickiness" is driven by biology. Women have a short term shelf life of sexual reproduction. They reach a certain age and suddenly cease putting eggs out. Your biology as a male knows this and while you may be more attracted to males than females you are still predominately hardwired to seek a mate who is young enough to bear young. Thus there is a lot of gay men who appear to be more keen on getting a younger mate. That is biology, not personal tastes.

And its the underlying driving motivation for all of those age creams, massive amounts of makeup and hair dyes and women making war on the hands of time far much more than males.

Humans are like any other life form on earth. Their single purpose in life is to insure their DNA survives to the next generation. Relationships, pair bonding, mate seeking is all driven by that motivation.

You are not dating and seeking a life partner for YOU - you are seeking one to meet the needs of your DNA and one that will insure that your DNA will have a better chance of surviving in the future generation. This applies to all humans.

Due to the complexities of life on earth and the remarkable diversity when it comes to how DNA survives or what features a potential mate has that insures the survival of DNA there is a bit of contradiction when comparing individuals to the species as a whole in their dating habits and what they seek in a mate.

Gay males are more brain wired like woman. However this feature does not apply equally to all gay men and may address many of the interesting features of 'gay society' and how gay males seeks various things in a mate.

Such as height. A taller man works less at providing security than a short man. Tall is feared/respected far much more than short. Short is often better protected by all - this ties in to humans being hardwired to protect its shortest members - children.

Intelligence insures survival for the species, thus yes some people will indeed place more emphasis on ability to think.

[Kha]

I think some people are.
But at the end of the day, they'll be with somebody who know how to... love. .

[Bluelight]

Yes, some gay men can be ridiculously shallow. However, no one should have to lower their standards just for the sake of being with someone either. Naturally, I prefer to date a guy who's within my league, and I'm not just talking about looks, I mean someone who's down to earth, smart (but not pretentious), respectful and easy-going. Of course, 99% of the good ones are taken, that's the general rule haha Now I've been offered a few options, but they're all, well, to put it bluntly, either really bitchy, annoying, childish, hinty or persistent, sometimes all of those things. Like hell I'm gonna get myself involved with one of those people, I'd rather be single than waste time on them, and anyone who tells me I'm being shallow because of this can kiss my ass.

[Mark]

I would like to go on a rant about the internet and technology again. The internet has made people so picky. Theres now dating apps where you swipe through people until you find someone you think is attractive and not being funny half the people using them are minging anyway. How can you get a connection from looking at someones pictures, and a paragraph about who they are?!

My second rant is on porn. Everybody watches porn lets be honest or has at least seen it. This gives people an idea of what sex is like and what they think they want. If someone doesn't get it they don't think they are happy and constantly look for more. People want the guys that last hours and hours, or have a metre long dick. It just doesn't happen and most of the time isn't pleasant!

My third rant is about films and tv. People judge these relationships and think thats how it should happen. They see the story book endings and the crazy romance and kinda expect it, not realising that they have been dramatised and extended to make them far more interesting so people want to see it! Social media also annoys me as if someone posts up 'My boyf bought me all this for my birthday!!' everyone expects it and then acts gutted when they don't get that amount!

But yeah I do think some guys are too judgemental, and want perfection. But then in regards to that I believe when you find the one they will be perfection whether you expect it or not! Regardless of anything else they will just be perfect to you

But I agree with the above.. you shouldn't get with someone just for the sake of it, have some sort of standards!

[Uneunsae]

^ That's one reason why I don't like any of those things.
No way will I ever have a FB account ever again.
I like real people, not fake.
So many people don't even know what a real person looks like anymore.
And a guy who is constantly glued to technology is a major turn off for me.

[jimcrackcorn]

Boy of boy,,,, I must be at the bottom of the spectrum. The only requirement I had in a potential life partner was that he loved me. Worked out fine, he's still here after 37 years. (or is it 38 now?)

Over the years, we developed different political views, discovered we couldn't work together harmoniously, have differing taste, etc.... But we adjusted to the changes as we grew old together.
And,,,,, we're still changing!!!!! . This thing we have will only end when we kick-the-bucket and someone plants us in the ground.

Fall in love,,, then work like hell at compromising for the rest of your life - cause everyone changes and you got to adjust if you want to stay together.

What I'm trying to say so in-eloquently is: the person you find who meets your criteria for a potential partner, will most likely change thru the years and become someone who would no longer meet your standards. So, don't be too picky at the beginning because they may change into the perfect guy later on down the line anyway...... Or, change from Mr. Perfect into the nightmare from hell 10 years down the line.

Did I just go into a rant? I don't mean to sound like an ogre out to trample your dreams of a happy life with the perfect guy. Just trying to let you see how complicated relationships can be even when you start out with the best of intentions in picking the right partner.