Dating a deaf guy

[Anonymous]

I’ve met a guy who’s deaf and now I don’t know what to do with our relationship. We met in gay cafe where he was sitting alone with his coffee. Of course, at first I didn’t know he’s deaf. I just noticed him looking at me all the time and he looked away when I looked back. I’m quite brave and communicable person and he looked really cute so I came to him and I asked everything like „how are you, what’s your name? are you here alone?” First he was just looking at me and then he took a notebook out of his bag and he wrote that he couldn’t hear me. I’d never met such person before, I must say. We spent the whole evening chatting like this – he wrote something, I wrote something. I realized that he’s very nice guy. We also exchanged phone numbers and met the next day to have lunch together. Despite his disability, he has quite successful life and I admire him for that. And again we communicated in the same form – with paper and pen. He asked me if I knew sign language, I said I didn’t. Later that day at home I watched some videos about people using sign language and it looked so very difficult and I thought it’s impossible for me to learn it.

However I must say we’re quite attracted each to other already. We spend a lot of time together and I think about him often. He invited me to have dinner together with his family, very nice people. Yesterday he even kissed me and he said that it was his first kiss. He told me that he’s 24 years old and still virgin, because no guy has ever wanted to date him after they found out he’s deaf. I feel something very tender to him, like I want to protect him from everything. He's the kind of guy I would like to be together with.

But at the same time I’m worried about how will our relationships work out. We obviously cannot contact like this forever, through writing. I asked him if he could speak, he said he could but usually he doesn't because it’s very hard for him to control the volume of his voice and to form words. It’ll take eternity for me to learn sign language, because when I watched the videos I just didn't know how’s it’s possible to understand that. His family are hearing people and they all - his mother, father and sister - sign freely as I managed to see. He says it's not that important and that he'll teach me something over time.

Anyway, I though that maybe I'm not the right guy for him? I like him very much and I care for him, but I'm afraid that maybe it's not enough? Maybe he would need someone more educated to take care of him better? Being together with a disabled person means big responsibility I guess. I want to be there for him and help him how I can, but what if I do something wrong?

[HumbleTangerine]

Well, my guess is spontaneously that he doesn't want/need to be taken care of. I don't think that should ever be the foundation of a relationship. There's something very appealing about being able to protect someone, but even though you obviously have the best of intentions, you end up sounding pretty condescending.

"I feel something very tender to him, like I want to protect him from everything".

"Maybe he would need someone more educated to take care of him better".

Nobody wants to hear these things. He may be deaf but he's still an independent individual and I doubt he needs any kind of protection due to his handicap. If you were to learn sign language it's merely a matter of communication rather than protection. Only you can decide whether it's worth it. I would suggest you learn it gradually as you get to know each other better. After you really know each other you'll be less ambivalent.

All I know is, if I were deaf or in a wheel-chair I would want to live my life as independently as possible. I wouldn't stand being in a relationship with someone who feels the need to "protect me from everything" because despite my handicap I would still be an individual capable of taking care of myself with the means I have at my disposal.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

We have a few forum members which varying degrees of disability, including a few deaf guys (sorry I can't remember their forum names) Im sure they will comment on your post....

If your both attracted to each other, then you should look beyond his deafness.

Just don't make the mistake of assuming that he's looking for a carer,educated or otherwise. If he's gay he has exactly the same wants and desires as the next gay guy, deaf or otherwise.

ObW
X

[Borg69]

Sign language isn't that hard if you take classes and are willing to learn. Don't be a pussy.

What if he was short? Had brown eyes? Was uncut? Was balding? Was Catholic? Left handed? Snores?

There are a ton of excuses NOT to date him you could come up with... focus on the reasons you have TO date him... "for better or worse... unconditionally".

He just might overlook some of your "flaws" as well.

[Uneunsae]

If I had such a connection with someone, not only would I not worry about his deafness, I would welcome the opportunity to grow and learn from him with open arms.

As others have stated, he's obviously just fine with taking care of himself.

But if you're asking these kinds of questions, you might not be the right guy for him.

[Uneunsae]

Ah, I'm not meaning to say you are doing something wrong by asking these questions. Please do not misunderstand. The questions are just a sign of where you are at mentally with this kind of issue and IMO, and from personal experience with my own disabilities, it shows you might not be the right kind of person for him. Others will probably have opposing, but equally valid, viewpoints.

[Wolfpack]

Sounds like the two of you have really made a connection, surely it could be really nice for you both to see were it could lead.

Like others have stated you do not need to save or take care of him, he sounds very independent and able to care
for f himself, you will need to approach a relationship on equal footing.

Maybe your thinking sigh language would be harder to learn than you think, you will never know unless you try, and it could be a great bonding experience for you both.

[Borg69]

I've had relationships that would have lasted longer if we couldn't speak to each other.

[David3K]

The deaf signs arent so hard to learn! Come on, i remember this kid show hostess tought that language through TV and me with 8 years old learned it! So..

[Adam]

Yeah, so I had to learn sign language for work and it wasn't that hard. I'm not sure it would work learning from a video, but if you had him to teach you and you could practice with him frequently it wouldn't be a big deal.
But I agree with everyone else, the guy doesn't need a Fairy Godfather (ooops...no pun intended lol...) he needs a friend and who knows, maybe a lover.