Hello everyone,
My name is Johnny, and after all that has going on in my life I think its about time I share my story with someone, because I can't hold it back anymore. When I was six years old, I got molested by my foster brother who was seventeen. I'll spare the details... Since I was so young, I didn't really know at the time that what he was doing was bad, and so I took the abuse for over 2 months. I'm not too sure on how it happened, but I ended up telling my foster parents about the situation that was going on. After speaking with them, the abuse stopped and about 2 weeks later I got moved to another foster home.
The thing is, when we talked they never mentioned the fact that what he was doing was wrong, so in my head I thought it was still ok. Well, in total i've been in 7 foster homes, and in all of those homes, I would always do things with other boys in the home. Growing up, thats all i knew, and I became addicted to it.
Now that I am older, i still have urges to do things with boys - I don't do anything of course.its obviously not allowed, and on top of that I don't want to be like my foster brother who did what he did to me. I don't know why I'm so fascinated with boys, but I am.
I was just wondering if anyone has gone through anything similar? I think i'm going to go to counseling because this has been apart of my life, and it has honestly distracted me from things that I should be doing to better my life.
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Yes, please seek competent counseling. (Note that not all counselors or therapists are competent, or at least not right for you.)
Just offhand I'd guess that maybe the guy who molested you made you feel loved (simply by virtue of paying attention and likely praising you for going along) for the first time and you were starved for that. A lot of children who feel unloved (as I imagine a great many in foster care do) can latch on to molesters like that, and he may have even (ironically) made you feel safe as a result of his size (he'd practically be an adult to you) and his seeming love & attention, and perhaps that's a feeling you still hunger for (and can "project yourself" into a child and try to restore that feeling) as many raised in abusive relationships continue to feel deprived of such feelings and security even as an adult. If my off the top guess is correct then I believe competent counseling can help you (that is, you're not a true pedophile).
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@Pix
thanks for responding,
I think you could be very correct, I do remember always feeling safe with him and going to him for everything. As far as still having the hunger to want to be loved, that's not true. I have wonderful family and friends who love and give me attention. But I agree with you on getting counseling, I have been contemplating with that for a long time. I figure, since I can keep my self under control then what's the point? But, i'd still rather talk to an professional.
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JohnnyBlaze Wrote:Hello everyone,
My name is Johnny, and after all that has going on in my life I think its about time I share my story with someone, because I can't hold it back anymore. When I was six years old, I got molested by my foster brother who was seventeen. I'll spare the details... Since I was so young, I didn't really know at the time that what he was doing was bad, and so I took the abuse for over 2 months. I'm not too sure on how it happened, but I ended up telling my foster parents about the situation that was going on. After speaking with them, the abuse stopped and about 2 weeks later I got moved to another foster home.
The thing is, when we talked they never mentioned the fact that what he was doing was wrong, so in my head I thought it was still ok. Well, in total i've been in 7 foster homes, and in all of those homes, I would always do things with other boys in the home. Growing up, thats all i knew, and I became addicted to it.
Now that I am older, i still have urges to do things with boys - I don't do anything of course.its obviously not allowed, and on top of that I don't want to be like my foster brother who did what he did to me. I don't know why I'm so fascinated with boys, but I am.
I was just wondering if anyone has gone through anything similar? I think i'm going to go to counseling because this has been apart of my life, and it has honestly distracted me from things that I should be doing to better my life.
I feel for you man. Your situation, in the past, sounds some-what tragic, but you can move past it. I would definitely, as suggested, seek counseling. I've sought counseling myself, for various issues, and it truly does help. I don't normally go into my past.. I'm rather private, but I was abused also on a few occasions growing up. and it can certainly mess with your psyche and how you feel emotionally. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of. Do it.. and better your life.
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@tyrion
thanks for sharing your input on counseling, and sorry for what happened in your past. I just hope i'll be able to move past this phase that i've had for so long.
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I'm sure counselling would help. Well done for wanting to break the cycle. 
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it is always possible to change. certainly it can be difficult but aknowledging the things you know you need to change is an important step.
remember not to just distract yourself away from the problem, finding a new way to express your emotions is a good way to insure that you can direct your life in the way you want to.
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Conselling would definately help in your circumstances, it would allow you to understand where and why those urges come about, and you need to understand something before you can conquer it.
Sexual abuse can be a power/control thing and the abuser usually feels inadequate in his own life. That's one of many reasons these urges arises, so yeah counselling would definately be the way to help yourself.
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Therapy would help you, I think. What you describe is what is called grooming in the realm of child abuse. The abuser makes the one they are abusing feel safe, loved, valued when thy accept, and/or participate willingly in the abuse.
It happens to all of us (survivors) and, it is nothing to feel guilty about, it's part of the mind games abusers play with us and is not our fault. The aftermath we have to live with is not our fault either.
I have a user group here for abuse survivors. There are some helpful links in the posts in that group. I would suggest finding a therapist you can work with and, checking out some of the support sites linked in my user group. (Jut click my profile, the the "Abused and need to talk" flower icon there.)
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First of all , I am so very sorry this happened to you.
Secondly , please seek professional help, you need tools to help you with this.
You are so very brave to come forward about these urges , now is the time to break the cycle and get the help you need.
We have many survivors here at GaySpeak , what you went through is more common than you think.
They will be more than happy to help you through this.
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