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Family Advice
#1
I have an aunt that I have always shared a wonderful relationship with up until about 7 years ago when I came out and began a relationship with a man. At that time, she made it clear to me that her views on the Bible would never allow her to condone what I am doing. She was very insistent on making this known to me in the beginning. So naturally, and coupled with the fact that I am already an extremely shy person, I felt discomfort around her and shame. I didn't feel like a "whole" person in her company. In 2010, same sex marriage became legal in DC and my partner and I got married, again she made her feelings known but "wished me the best of luck" anyway. Then in subsequent years she wouldn't refer to him using the word "spouse" or "partner" (she never asked what terms would be most appropriate), rather electing to introduce us as "best friends;" of course this further contributed to my shame as a gay man and de-legitimatized me and my relationship, I felt. Unfortunately, my marriage did end about a year and a half ago (we separated), and the divorce was final last month.

Yesterday, I just completely lost it and called her up and told her we need to talk because I felt extremely offended that in the year and half I was separated, she did not ask one word about where my partner was, or to check in on my emotional state. It has been the most painful and difficult event in my life thus far (I've grieved terribly and still not totally healed) and I am amazed that an aunt so close to me growing up could not find it in herself to at least extend some comfort my way, instead she has acted like my past never existed. I told her in our heated exchange if this would have been anyone else in the family whose spouse suddenly was "absent," she would have asked (like a heterosexual relative). And she agreed yes, she would have asked if it would have been anyone else. But, she said she knew I was "uncomfortable" with my gay relationship so she wanted me to bring it up first (last time I checked, social convention generally tends to be that people reach out to those grieving when known, not the other way around). I then became very angry and told her the only reason I was "uncomfortable" because I knew she "disagreed" with it and didn't even recognize it (referring to us as "friends" instead of partners). But I was hoping that in the recent years, this would have been an opportunity to show some compassion, but apparently not...I had to face the holidays alone (just divorced) and attend my family function and have her not even ask why I was suddenly alone.

So, I suppose the purpose here is to ask what others here think. How would you respond to this relationship going forward? Yesterday, she did reiterate that she is "not judging me" but yes, "two men together is not a real marriage and does make her uncomfortable." Now, I almost feel the relationship may unfortunately be ruined...for good. Can you really have a quality relationship with someone who you make uncomfortable? Even though she apparently is "not uncomfortable when I am alone with her or not asking her to "agree" with my "lifestyle" or understand my "gay behavior" (her terms).

This is really difficult for me because I don't have a large family.
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#2
Part of the grieving process is "anger". Directing your anger toward your Aunt will not lessen the grief you are feeling.

You need more time to heal before you will be able to talk to your Aunt calmly. She may never accept that you are gay, but that is no reason for you to feel bad!!! It is her problem, not yours.

Sincerely,
Jim
We Have Elvis !!
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#3
Since she is Christian, does she view marriage between Muslims, Hindus, and any peoples who worship other non-Christian religions as valid? How about 2 atheists? What about 2 divorcees, who remarry?

Are those "real" marriages? Because the New Testament has a lot more to say about divorce then it does homosexuals.

Bottom line, she couldn't show you the Grace that Jesus has in your time of need. Love the sinner, hate the sin is an oft repeated phrase. Christians should be compassionate no matter who the sinner is. And having compassion for when someone is hurting is not accepting that person's choices.

More to your question, you can be neutral, as at some point she may have a change of heart. Don't burn your bridges with her saying that your relationship with her is over forever.
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#4
Hi Pacific. I'm sorry for all you've been through, both the break up of your marriage and your aunt's attitude. She holds certain religious views which have strained her relationship with you.
Do you feel she loves you and just doesn't know how to show it because of these views? Do you think she feels she is supposed to separate from you because you are gay and to no do so would mean she is untrue to her beliefs? I'm not making excuses for her, please understand.
You said you last conversation was angry and I'm sure you know that is never the time to talk.
It sounds like she has been important to you and that you would like her in your life again, so can you see yourself sitting down for a conversation about who you are?
Maybe she will never accept homosexuality, but she could choose to be loving toward you no matter what and that means she could be caring toward any future partner you have without being false to her religious views.

Obviously, she is important to you or you wouldn't be hurt. I'm sure many would tell you to tell her to fuck off but you love her, despite herself. Hang in there.
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#5
Advise her that her emotional black male isn't going to change your sexual preference, but you still love and accept her- unconditionally. Which one of you is being the most Christian now?
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#6
Some interesting reading:

https://pjmedia.com/faith/2017/01/09/how...the-bible/
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#7
Thanks, all. I am still working through this internally. When it comes down to it, it's really not fair at all for religious people (specifically, within a familial context) to think they can state their views or strongly held opinions (when unasked) and then conclude with the famous, "...but I am not judging you." Then why state it if you're not filtering my "situation" through some lens that casts a judgement? Human emotions are too complex...you can't just fire off your feelings about my "homosexuality" and then think that will have no impact on my emotional well-being and the future dynamic of our relationship.

My aunt really got angry when I asked why she didn't address her step children for having out-of-wedlock births; but I felt it was a fair question...if you're holding me up to the religious standards of your scripture, then at least demonstrate you're holding everyone up to the same standard, otherwise, it's only natural I feel targeted or devalued. For too long LGBTQ people have been made to feel that we have to put up with being told how the religious feel about us, but many feel it just comes with the territory (and it's "worth it to save trouble within a relationship")...but I am really getting away from that because it killed my confidence and self-esteem. I certainly don't feel compelled to announce my inner beliefs to people when I know it would just be hurtful. If I am at dinner with my Christian family and they want to pray, I am quiet and let them pray (even feigning prayer sometimes myself to assimilate and as if to extend an olive branch of respect)--it's not like before their prayer, I state, "Just so you're aware, I disagree with this, but please continue on and know I am not judging you, but I disagree." No way, that would be ridiculous, and I expect the same respect. No you may not just announce your beliefs on my "gay life" just because they're you're strongly held beliefs, unless I ask how you feel about my "gay life," which is highly unlikely I am ever going to ask.

I suppose this is also a valuable lesson in learning that my value can't be tied up in what "others" think or feel about me.
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#8
Pacific Wrote:....a valuable lesson in learning that my value can't be tied up in what "others" think or feel about me.

^^ This. 100%
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