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Feeling bad about my sexuality
#11
Corsac Wrote:It's not your job to make them proud, sure they raised you from a child but you don't owe them by practically denouncing who you are around them. Your choices need to be for you and not for them.

The longer you fake it the bigger the problem is going to get within your own head, you've effectively allowed your parents to dictate that you can't date a guy because of their views.

In my view the only person that matters in all of this is you, do you really want to cause yourself years of hurt because someone else (be it family or anyone else) doesn't like that you're attracted to guys?

I hate that I'm giving an either/or, it's going to be painful no matter what. it will eventually come out that's what I'm afraid of.
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#12
Do not put to much into this. It is not your problem so ignore it. When they are ready, they will come to you, not before. It took myparents a lot of years but when they did say, "LETS TALK" it was a great conversation. They knew my partner and when the discussion did happen he was immediately adopted into the family. (With all the drama that goes with that).
In fact, when mom passed Dad elected to live here with us rather than with my very straight siblings. He claims it was to avoid being live-in baby sitter. LOL. But our relationship was then made very strong! It has been quite a few years since he passed as well and I still miss him!!
So take heart, it will happen. Just not on YOUR time line.
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#13
I believe I have noted before you are a good, decent man. I cannot stress that enough here. I have found more than a few admirable qualities about you. If I, a person who has never meet you face to face can pick up on those things, I assure you your parents see them as well.

If they fail to see the good in you and want to focus on the one thing they perceive as bad in you (and your sister), that is on them. Totally 20th century of them... but hey not every one likes the 21st century.

Yes you are sensitive, which is one of those admirable qualities about you. You are also a man with a deep inner strength and a basic understanding of 'right and wrong'. I think you already know its wrong to lie about something as basic as who you love. I think you understand innately that one must be true to oneself and only they can be true to everyone else.

You Sir are not a disappointment, I can readily point to a few men who are true disappointments, not only to their sainted parents but to the rest of society. I do not readily see you breaking bones, or doing other horrific things to a person for 'shits and giggles' - I know those types - you are not one of those.

I also know you are a protective soul, a man who has good will and a desire to do right above all else. You intend to do as little harm as possible in life. You made that clear a few posts back. You have a giant heart in that chest of yours... worthy of love and being loved.

You are a kind, gentle man with a heart of gold. I have seen it in you as you have agonized over 'issues' in the past. We are seeing it in this very thread as you struggle to do the 'right thing' by your parents and willingly sacrifice something that may bring you happiness.

If your very own parents want to allow their biased bigotry cloud their vision of you, that Sir is on them. Not on you. That is their wrong, not yours.

Their disappointment over something as meaningless as your sexual orientation would be petty compared to the many wondrous qualities you possess as a human being.

You are worth loving, and self love. Honestly you are.

No its not going to be easy to break this news to them. I hate to say it, but it will be far harder for you to give up a part of yourself and continue through life unharmed by that.

Yes it will hurt to tell them - that is a given. It will hurt far much more to live a lie and deny yourself. If you go totally straight, get married, have kids in order to appease your parents, you will live long enough to regret doing so and live in doubt if you made the right choices.

The right choice, in case I haven't made this clear enough is to be true to your parents by being true to yourself.
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#14
WinkAnother Southern guy on here? Woohoo!

This southern guy understands you. Especially if your parents are "old school" southern! Thats just a headache in itself sometimes....regardless of circumstances.

Southern parents are different from most other parents. They have the solid ability to be totally inflexable, stubborn, and even hard headed as granite. They, of course, learned this from thier parents, who were probably even MORE southern than they are.

There is a trick to "cracking" this hard fried, southern shell they have put themselves into. No, it doesnt work on all southern parents, but the ones who are more "citified" are usually the ones who are able to be "cracked"...where they can understand.

First off, are you an only child? If so, this may be a big reason why they are hard headed. Like all southern parents, they want grandkids, and refuse to think you could love anybody other than someone who could bear them grandkids.

Secondly, being yourself and never straying. Southern people, especially "old school" southern, pick a stable personality and live with it....regardless of whether this personality is actually who they really are or not. This is where all the screaming and yelling comes in later in life, because they have pretty much had to live up to everybody elses expectations of who parents or friends think they should be, and not who they really are....so in essence, they have been living a lie all of thier lives, so they fight with their spouses, kids, relatives, and friends when they get older and settle down with a life. Whether its a life they want or not. But beign southern, they wont ever admit this.

Third, since most "old school" southerners are hard headed as rock, you have to treat them like rock. If you think of how you wear down a rock, you know its done over time. Like a water stream over a large rock.....over the years that rock will wear down because of the never ending flow of water over it. And sometimes worn down to the point where you can crack it open easily.


Whats all this got to do with your problem?

Well, you have to figure out your parents. Find out how they grew up. Were they allowed to be themselves, or were thier parents strict on them, as were most southern parents? How they were treated growing up has a lot to do with how they became the people they are today. You have to find out how they were as teens themselves. Did they do anything that pissed thier parents off? Did they rebel all the time? Did they do something against thier parents, where thier parents finally accepted it and let it go?
If your grandparents are still around, I would talk to them about your parents when being young, what they were like, what they did, were they "bad" or rebellious?

Once you understand where your parents "came from", then you can try to figure out how to approach them, psychologically. If you are in college, or have access to anyone in the psychological field, I would pick thier brains for information on this.

You've already done the really hard part, you've told them before. Whether they accepted it or not, is not "here or there"....now they know. As "southern fried" parents, they WILL refuse any issue they deem as not beneficial to thier set way of life. This again, is a total southern "thing". They know you are gay now, its up to you to get them to understand that this changes nothing. You are still you.

And believe me, if they didnt kick your ass to the curb when you first told them, they wont do it now.

I will tell you a little secret as far as southern parents are concerned. They arent as stupid and clueless as most people think. Good southern parents know thier kids. Usually by the age of 10, they know who their kids are and where they are going in life. Some refuse this concept and try to change thier kids, or just igonre it, hoping it will "go away" or they will "grow out of it".

It seems to me you have the parents who are hoping you will "grow out of it".

Regardless, you've already told them, they refused to acknowledge it, but yet now they know. Now you just have to get them to accept and admit.

You have to get them to understand, from your point of view, you are NOT "gay"...you just prefer men over women. Southerners see "gay" as being all faggoty, flaming, and flopping around in pink shorts and halter tops. Its your job now to make sure you change thier perception of this.

No one can tell you how to go about all of this, only you can figure out how to start wearing your parents down, slowly and smoothly, over the next few years, to understand that thier little boy isnt growing up to be a flaming faggot, but you are growing up to be a decent man....someone they can be proud of in public.

There are two things most "old school" southerners respect most......hard work, helping out friends and family in need.

I come from a VERY redneck family of farmers, military men, and "deep fried" southern women. But I have always helped them out when they needed it, I have always been there for them, and I have never complained about the back breaking work Ive had to do in my life.....for them or as a regular job.

And, as most "southern fried" people do.....they accept you as you are....quietly and without words.
How do I know? Well, Ive kept my personal life to myself. But as all my cousins and my sister had gone off, gotten married and had kids....I was still "alone". And when I was about 35, one of my Uncles finally came out and asked me if I was gay, and I said yes. And that was all. He said "everbody figured I was, but nobody knew for sure". But you know? Because they know me as a hard worker, and would do anything for anyone to help them out, they couldnt have cared less. Thier curiosity got answered, and thats all there was of it. They still love me for the person they know I am.

And this is what you have to work on with your parents....showing them they did raise you right, and perferring men over women is nothing they need to be concerned about.

As I mentioned before, they know. Now its your job to get them to understand, accept, and admit.

Understand that you are not the type of gay man who is flaunted in the media, that stereotypes arent always true.

Accept that they DID raise you right, which has nothing to do with who you are attracted too for companionship.

Admit, out loud, to you, that they love you regardless, and they know they raised you right.


I never set out to "tell" anyone about myself in my family. But they all knew, regarless of anyone ever saying anything. I let them see exactly what kind of person I was, and like all southerners do.....they accepted me for the person I am, not what perferences I have. It might have taken 20 years of my life, but thats how you have to deal with "southern fried" people.


Yeah, I know......I talk too much.

What can I say, Im from the South!!!!
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#15
Thanks brown arrow.
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#16
hank Wrote:maybe I'm being too sensitive

Hank, you're being too sensitive. Your center is lopsided towards your parents. Of course you care about them and what they think and say about you. AND you have the right to be your own person; to let your own unique self develop as fully as possible. As kids we want to please our parents: we can be desperate for their approval. As adults we need to let that go so we can claim our own lives fully.

I think the work you need to do is your own. It may involve coming out with your parents, or it may be coming to peace with your own strength, independent of them. Either way, it's worth it!
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#17
MisterTinkles Wrote:WinkAnother Southern guy on here? Woohoo!

wow, your post is one of the most depressive things I have read lately :frown:
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#18
Honestly who cares if they except you or not this is your life no one else's you need to make you happy I know they are your parents but hey you can't change people just forget about telling them


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2
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#19
I think you should really try to accept you ... there is nothing wrong with your sexuality.... you are in danger that you are missing your own life and that is really wrong.
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#20
You just tell them and run
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