03-27-2014, 07:15 PM
[COLOR="DarkGreen"]Not sure if this will be me asking for help or just venting and seeing if anyone has a similar story. Put it here since it is one of those things that I worry I helped cause or create by my pushy overprotective nature.
A couple years ago a met a guy online, back when I didnât yet realize I was gay/homoromantic (but would text roleplay more bisexual and gay scenes, convincing myself I was âexploringâ or the like). We met on a roleplay website. He had messaged me to compliment me on the writing on my profile and we began chatting, playing together, and getting to know each other. As time went on, I began to fall for him and he was a big part of making me realize I was what I was. He is a bit girly and plays himself up as really vain and selfish but, as I got to know him, I began to realize it was sort of a front to protect him. I was never very good at being charming or romantic, so I began to express my care for him by drawing for him when he was feeling down or whenever we chatted. Dumb little things like drawing myself giving him a hug, walking dogs, doing laundry, or any of the other mundane stuff. I guess I did it to show I was actively interested in all of it. In all of him.
More recently, he got in a nasty bike accident where a car hit him and ran off. He was injured, but not in any way that wouldnât heal, over time. The problem was the blow to his self-esteem, I think. He was scarred, needing surgery on his elbow and having a gash on his chin. The only time I caught him on after that was when he had been drinking a bit; he seemed to get more and more out of it and withdrawn. The last time we talked was months back on November 25th â he hadnât been on for a while and I was worried so I drew him pictures and sent them to him. When he did come back this last time he said he loved me.
I asked him what was wrong but he was withdrawn. His responses were small and sporadic. I talked too much as I usually do. Kept trying to understand and trying to reassure. Hoping I would find the right combination of words to help him feel better or make him realize I wanted to shoulder some of his burden. I go over it in my head, reading back through the logs. Is there something I could have said, something I could have offered? Was he worried he would hurt me? Is he even still alive? Or maybe I was just coming across as clingy and he couldnât find a way to break it off so he told me he loved me and then vanished, hoping for the best.
His first sexual experience had been dressed up in girly clothing for a guy over twice his age. Most of his intimate experiences were with guys who seemed to use and discard him. Was he worried I would be upset or disgusted by him? Worried I was like them? Maybe I was like them. Am like them.
I deserve to be abandoned if that is what he did, I suppose. I have hurt a lot of women, coming to terms with what I was. Dated them but then became withdrawn at the last moment because some part of me knew the truth and wouldnât let me continue in a farce. I think if I just knew he was safe, even if I could never really have his love, I would be content. I am so weary of worrying about him. Christ, Iâm so weary. Sometimes I feel like I am on autopilot.[/COLOR]
[COLOR="Green"]I don't reckon there is any fix for this sort of thing. Anyone had someone just vanish like this? Were they okay? I still draw for him. Still send him links to the pictures in messenger. I hope he just blocked me and didnât do anything to hurt himself.
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A couple years ago a met a guy online, back when I didnât yet realize I was gay/homoromantic (but would text roleplay more bisexual and gay scenes, convincing myself I was âexploringâ or the like). We met on a roleplay website. He had messaged me to compliment me on the writing on my profile and we began chatting, playing together, and getting to know each other. As time went on, I began to fall for him and he was a big part of making me realize I was what I was. He is a bit girly and plays himself up as really vain and selfish but, as I got to know him, I began to realize it was sort of a front to protect him. I was never very good at being charming or romantic, so I began to express my care for him by drawing for him when he was feeling down or whenever we chatted. Dumb little things like drawing myself giving him a hug, walking dogs, doing laundry, or any of the other mundane stuff. I guess I did it to show I was actively interested in all of it. In all of him.
More recently, he got in a nasty bike accident where a car hit him and ran off. He was injured, but not in any way that wouldnât heal, over time. The problem was the blow to his self-esteem, I think. He was scarred, needing surgery on his elbow and having a gash on his chin. The only time I caught him on after that was when he had been drinking a bit; he seemed to get more and more out of it and withdrawn. The last time we talked was months back on November 25th â he hadnât been on for a while and I was worried so I drew him pictures and sent them to him. When he did come back this last time he said he loved me.
I asked him what was wrong but he was withdrawn. His responses were small and sporadic. I talked too much as I usually do. Kept trying to understand and trying to reassure. Hoping I would find the right combination of words to help him feel better or make him realize I wanted to shoulder some of his burden. I go over it in my head, reading back through the logs. Is there something I could have said, something I could have offered? Was he worried he would hurt me? Is he even still alive? Or maybe I was just coming across as clingy and he couldnât find a way to break it off so he told me he loved me and then vanished, hoping for the best.
His first sexual experience had been dressed up in girly clothing for a guy over twice his age. Most of his intimate experiences were with guys who seemed to use and discard him. Was he worried I would be upset or disgusted by him? Worried I was like them? Maybe I was like them. Am like them.
I deserve to be abandoned if that is what he did, I suppose. I have hurt a lot of women, coming to terms with what I was. Dated them but then became withdrawn at the last moment because some part of me knew the truth and wouldnât let me continue in a farce. I think if I just knew he was safe, even if I could never really have his love, I would be content. I am so weary of worrying about him. Christ, Iâm so weary. Sometimes I feel like I am on autopilot.[/COLOR]
[COLOR="Green"]I don't reckon there is any fix for this sort of thing. Anyone had someone just vanish like this? Were they okay? I still draw for him. Still send him links to the pictures in messenger. I hope he just blocked me and didnât do anything to hurt himself.
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