05-22-2014, 10:32 AM
( Gay Relationships: Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski )
Dear Brian:
My partner and I have been together for 20 years and are very much in love. We are both very successful. I am out with friends and family. He is not out with his family â or at work. We have a house together. When he is on the phone i have to remain silent so as to not be heard. He often gets dragged out to events after work because nobody knows he has someone waiting for him. When his family comes to visit â I move into a hotel for a night or a few days.
I realize he is operating from a point of fear. I want to be supportive. However â I am in my 40′s now - and well I am starting to feel âinvisibleâ â like I am choking. We have limited our friends to just a few. He hates to leave the house for fear of being seen together.
I have tried to make him see that we need to âcome out â at least a little , but he canât take the humiliation. He has spun such a web now that to âcome outâ will be devastating for him and his âfriendsâ that do not know.
I still love him â but I am suffocating ! How do I make him see this and âHEARâ me?
Lonely
Dear Lonely:
You are definitely in a difficult situation and your struggles are commonplace for men in your particular relationship style. Generally speaking, it has been observed that men of similar âlevels of outnessâ tend to experience less stress and conflict and tend to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction than those couples in discordant identity arrangements.
For you being the partner with more comfort and pride in your sexual identity, it is likely that you often times feel âheld backâ by your partnerâs lack of security with himself as you are limited in the types of things you can do in public, and even within the confines of your own support network with family and friends. As such, it can feel like you are being forced back âinto the closetâ after having worked so hard over time to claim a positive self-concept as a gay man. Conversely, your partner can feel pressured before heâs ready to take on situations that are risky and threatening to him and a perpetual push/pull dynamic gets set in motion in these types of relationships that can make both of you feel overwhelmed, resentful, and unsupported. Probably sounds familiar, I bet.
I wish I had better news for you, but unfortunately thereâs not a whole lot you can necessarily do on your end for him. Your partnerâs closeted lifestyle preference is his issue and you canât âmakeâ him change his ways , and itâs solely his responsibility to come out to others when and if he chooses. All you can do is communicate your needs and feelings to him and share with him your concerns that your differing levels of âoutnessâ have on your relationship and what it means for the two of you moving forward.
You can also encourage slow, gradual, risk-taking behaviors that the two of you do together in terms of public exposure as a gay couple, but again you can only solicit these suggestions to him and he will ultimately choose whether this is something heâs willing to forego.
It will be important for you to determine for yourself how much stock you place in this particular value for your happiness. Is it a negotiable or non-negotiable deal-breaker need for you to be in a relationship with someone who is as âoutâ as you are? If your partner were to never âcome out of the closetâ, would you be able to spend the rest of your life in a relationship such as this knowing you would have to continue living with certain sacrifices? These are the types of things you and your partner would benefit talking with each other about.
While two men who are âoutâ and open and two men who are both closeted tend to fare better because each is living the same reality, men in your situation where one is âoutâ and the other isnât can and do make their relationships work, but sacrifices are made.
You will have to decide for yourself what these specific sacrifices would be and if the investment youâve made with your partner after all these years is more important to you than the individual growth potential you might have to give up to an extent to respect and accept your partnerâs needs for privacy and anonymity. Itâs also possible your partner just needs more time and youâll have to decide if youâre willing to wait.
So while you may feel like youâre in a powerless position, you actually do have some control over your futureâ¦itâs just that theyâre not very fun decisions and they have the capacity to lack guarantees and can be extremely life-changing.
So avoid being impulsive and reactive at all costs. I would recommend before doing anything else to avoid getting into power struggles over this issue because your partner canât take those personal journeys until heâs emotionally equipped and ready.
I would also recommend you seek the services of a trained therapist who can help you dialogue further about this with each other as a couple, and this might be a good segue for your partner to find the strength to do some individual work on his own to work through his fears and build his self-esteem and confidence to promote a positive gay identity. You could also benefit if you desire help sorting through your values and clarifying them for sound decision-making and problem-solving.
My fingers are crossed for you, my friend. My hope is that you both find the courage to keep striving for your own individual and couple growth-potentials to have the greatest quality-of-life you can! You deserve it!
All my best,
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Dear Brian:
My partner and I have been together for 20 years and are very much in love. We are both very successful. I am out with friends and family. He is not out with his family â or at work. We have a house together. When he is on the phone i have to remain silent so as to not be heard. He often gets dragged out to events after work because nobody knows he has someone waiting for him. When his family comes to visit â I move into a hotel for a night or a few days.
I realize he is operating from a point of fear. I want to be supportive. However â I am in my 40′s now - and well I am starting to feel âinvisibleâ â like I am choking. We have limited our friends to just a few. He hates to leave the house for fear of being seen together.
I have tried to make him see that we need to âcome out â at least a little , but he canât take the humiliation. He has spun such a web now that to âcome outâ will be devastating for him and his âfriendsâ that do not know.
I still love him â but I am suffocating ! How do I make him see this and âHEARâ me?
Lonely
Dear Lonely:
You are definitely in a difficult situation and your struggles are commonplace for men in your particular relationship style. Generally speaking, it has been observed that men of similar âlevels of outnessâ tend to experience less stress and conflict and tend to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction than those couples in discordant identity arrangements.
For you being the partner with more comfort and pride in your sexual identity, it is likely that you often times feel âheld backâ by your partnerâs lack of security with himself as you are limited in the types of things you can do in public, and even within the confines of your own support network with family and friends. As such, it can feel like you are being forced back âinto the closetâ after having worked so hard over time to claim a positive self-concept as a gay man. Conversely, your partner can feel pressured before heâs ready to take on situations that are risky and threatening to him and a perpetual push/pull dynamic gets set in motion in these types of relationships that can make both of you feel overwhelmed, resentful, and unsupported. Probably sounds familiar, I bet.
I wish I had better news for you, but unfortunately thereâs not a whole lot you can necessarily do on your end for him. Your partnerâs closeted lifestyle preference is his issue and you canât âmakeâ him change his ways , and itâs solely his responsibility to come out to others when and if he chooses. All you can do is communicate your needs and feelings to him and share with him your concerns that your differing levels of âoutnessâ have on your relationship and what it means for the two of you moving forward.
You can also encourage slow, gradual, risk-taking behaviors that the two of you do together in terms of public exposure as a gay couple, but again you can only solicit these suggestions to him and he will ultimately choose whether this is something heâs willing to forego.
It will be important for you to determine for yourself how much stock you place in this particular value for your happiness. Is it a negotiable or non-negotiable deal-breaker need for you to be in a relationship with someone who is as âoutâ as you are? If your partner were to never âcome out of the closetâ, would you be able to spend the rest of your life in a relationship such as this knowing you would have to continue living with certain sacrifices? These are the types of things you and your partner would benefit talking with each other about.
While two men who are âoutâ and open and two men who are both closeted tend to fare better because each is living the same reality, men in your situation where one is âoutâ and the other isnât can and do make their relationships work, but sacrifices are made.
You will have to decide for yourself what these specific sacrifices would be and if the investment youâve made with your partner after all these years is more important to you than the individual growth potential you might have to give up to an extent to respect and accept your partnerâs needs for privacy and anonymity. Itâs also possible your partner just needs more time and youâll have to decide if youâre willing to wait.
So while you may feel like youâre in a powerless position, you actually do have some control over your futureâ¦itâs just that theyâre not very fun decisions and they have the capacity to lack guarantees and can be extremely life-changing.
So avoid being impulsive and reactive at all costs. I would recommend before doing anything else to avoid getting into power struggles over this issue because your partner canât take those personal journeys until heâs emotionally equipped and ready.
I would also recommend you seek the services of a trained therapist who can help you dialogue further about this with each other as a couple, and this might be a good segue for your partner to find the strength to do some individual work on his own to work through his fears and build his self-esteem and confidence to promote a positive gay identity. You could also benefit if you desire help sorting through your values and clarifying them for sound decision-making and problem-solving.
My fingers are crossed for you, my friend. My hope is that you both find the courage to keep striving for your own individual and couple growth-potentials to have the greatest quality-of-life you can! You deserve it!
All my best,
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach