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Getting over someone
#1
Well, two weeks ago, I was dumped by my first love after 2 and a half years. She got bored of me, lost interest, fell out of love... I can't figure out why, because the only changes in me were things she wanted (they were healthy changes, like being more confident, joking more) but even before that she had stopped caring, or so she said. It was a long distance relationship, and my first serious relationship. I'm a nervous person by nature, and to an extent so is she, so the three weeks we were in the same place didn't really involve a whole lot, but they were still the best days of my life. Not only could I see and feel her love then, but her best friend who had been skeptical of our relationship saw it. She was so happy for us, and was asking when I'd be moving to their country! This was August of last year. I don't know what changed between then and now, and I guess that's why it's so hard for me to move on.

My ex kept talking to me about getting married. She told me that next time I visited her we should do it, as it was being legalized in her country. She told me what kind of ring to buy for her when I'd propose, and in that last week we were together she had me helping her to choose a flavor for the wedding cake... Then that Saturday, out of the blue, she ended it. It was so calm... we talked for a good 2-3 hours, me trying to convince her not to leave, but she wasn't upset, so none of my points worked. I knew the whole time that I wasn't going to be able to sway her, but I had to try. It was so sudden and unexpected.

Everyone here thought she wasn't going anywhere. My dad was thinking about trying to buy a house with a mobile home on the same lot so she could move here and be close to us. My sister, who was studying abroad in Korea until recently, had even bought a souvenir for her. Everyone was surprised when this happened. I was immensely hurt, particularly because at the beginning, when we both acknowledged that we had feelings for one another, I didn't want to get involved. It was long distance (as in an ocean between us), there was someone else she'd been in love with, and I just didn't see how it could work. She convinced me that we should try, that she would never do something like this, that she was willing to try for us. She straight-up told me she never breaks up with people, and because she was so charming and I had such feelings I gave in. And I know that when she said those things, she meant them. It's just that... my fears came true, and I got hurt, badly. At the time, I would have preferred to just be her friend forever and never have anything happen between us, and I could have gotten over her, but due to her mutual feelings and persuasion, I started wanting nothing more than to be with her.

Now she's just gone, and I'd once again prefer if we'd just stayed friends. I spoke to her almost everyday for nearly 3 years, and now she just isn't here anymore. I know, I know, this isn't that unusual of a break up story. It's just I've never had a break up in a serious relationship. The only time I was dumped before, it had been a relationship I had known would not last, and though I was hurt, it wasn't that big of a deal. This, even in the last week, I thought she'd always be my girl. Now I don't get to talk to her at all anymore. My dad said that maybe after a few days she'd regret it and come back, but she didn't. Now, I don't know what to do. I still love her, but I know that if she were to come back to me now (which I doubt she will, if I knew her at all, I'll never see her again) that I wouldn't be able to trust her, we could never be together again, and I don't know if I can be friends with her after having been her lover for so long.

My friends have been telling me that it will get better in time, that I'll find someone even better someday who will love me as much as I loved her, that I just have to keep doing things I enjoy for the sake of enjoying them and I'll get over her in time. But I don't know if I can. I'm a very emotional person, and I don't get close to people easily. What with anxiety and being naturally quiet (and poor enough I don't have access to the latest movies/games/etc. and so no grounds for regular discussion), it's hard for me to become friends with someone, much less get close enough for something like that. I know I only got her because we met online, on a forum, where it's easier to talk to people. I don't like IMs because they make me nervous, so those and video chatting are impossible until I'm close to someone. I didn't think that would ever be a problem because I had her.

Now, I still can't stop thinking about her. Every day, every night, I miss her, I remember the days when she loved me, and I can't sleep properly. I have made progress, because I can eat again and I'm not just bursting into tears at random points anymore, but I need to stop thinking about her, stop remembering what can never be again. I don't know of a way to do that without meeting someone else, but I also know that that wouldn't be healthy for me right now. Not to mention I don't know how I'd go about meeting someone else at the moment since I don't have a means to go out in public to meet someone and there's no place I know of to go meet bi or gay ladies (I'm more interested in women than men, though I could be convinced to see a guy if he caught my eye) and I don't want to try dating sites and IMing strangers until one sticks. I want another girlfriend, and I don't want to die alone. My sister has said she's going to take me and my brother (who's been pining over a lesbian friend of his for a few years now (and no she's not an option)) out and be our "wing man" one day but I don't know. At the same time as I want someone else and want to get distracted from my ex, I also don't know if I want to go through it again, or if that should even be soon, if I did.

In August I'm starting my last semester at my university, and a friend of mine told me that I should wait until September, at least, to make sure I'm over my ex and able to do schoolwork. He suggested I join some clubs at uni as well, and I thought about it, but they all meet at times I couldn't be on campus or have no available info, so that's a bust for now. I don't know what to do. Maybe the only thing to do is what my friends have suggested, but I had things I still wanted to say about it and get advice from someone that I couldn't talk to them about anymore because everyone gets awkward when I mention it. I feel so empty, and like this is all a dream, and when I see happy couples, I just get so bitter and angry feeling inside. It's not healthy. Well anyway... thanks if you read all this, and more thanks if you can give me some advice.
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#2
Ill tell you what most everyone probably will. Time
I'm so sorry to hear of your relationship :*(, I know ending a relationship with a loved one hurts, especially a long time relationship.

Ill try to give advice here at least what helped me although its probably not good advice :*(

I tried to think of the BAD times rather than the good, I wrote down on paper what we had, what I wanted and what we didn't have together.

I convinced myself he was a piece of trash an idiot and that I could do better, deserved better and I went and stayed with my mom for a few weeks during this time to which I received positive reinforcement and love to get me moving again.

I wrote down my flaws, decided to fix them with the ample time on my hands this summer and I set goals to keep my mind and body busy.

On a particular low one night I wanted to go into a gay bar and get fall on the floor drunk I met a friend and having guys hit on me boosted my confidence and I was happy enough to get on my feet and get over him.
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#3
From my own experience I can tell getting someone over is done the easiest if you do something that makes you happy and takes your thoughts away from everything else.

For instance, when I needed to get my first male love over, I started playing computer games like never before, especially games with drifting cuz drifting is something that requires a lot of concentration (even on PC games) and once concentrated I stop thinking about everything else. Bombs may be falling around me, so to speak and I wouldn't care. Smile So... I played day and night with pausing just to sleep. It took me 2 weeks to get him over. But I did, thanks to a friend of mine who kept making me to play NFS U2 in VPN with him. He did that to stop me from thinking about my love but I realized that much later.

So just think of what makes you the happiest and start doing it. If there's someone else to ask to join you and you do it together, you'll get her over in no time.
Arch Linux, Core i7 4770, GTX 1660 Ti 6GB, 32GB DDR3 RAM
home is where root is.
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#4
bilkiba Wrote:... and more thanks if you can give me some advice.
As [MENTION=19807]SilverBullet[/MENTION] said, give yourself time. This is very much like a death, it has to be grieved. No, you can't just "move on" in a day or two. The feelings of anger, those are going to come up to... and need to be accepted. Where you don't want to go in yourself (if you can avoid it) is either desperation or despondency. Right now your circumstances may not be conducive to meeting someone but your situation will change and opportunities will open up. Know that you WILL love again, just not now. I also agree with [MENTION=22947]rado84[/MENTION] that distractions are good. Can be anything. Do you like to read novels (IDK, does anyone read novels any more? LOL!)? Find something you enjoy doing that requires attention and just focus on that. It isn't easy but you have to find a balance of letting yourself feel the loss on one hand while, at the same time, training yourself to think of her less and less.

What she did and the way she did it, BTW, totally sucks and you have every reason to have a lot of different feelings about it, especially anger and frustration. My sympathies!
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#5
Thanks, that's about what I figured, but thank you guys all the same.

[MENTION=19807]SilverBullet[/MENTION], Yeah, I've been trying that, it's just not paying off so well as yet, unfortunately.

[MENTION=22947]rado84[/MENTION], I have been trying gaming with family as well, with mixed results.

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION], I do read novels, actually. I'm currently reading Watership Down. Literature is my field of study at college.

I had thought I was succeeding in getting over her earlier this week, but recently I'm having a lot more trouble again. :/
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#6
I don't have much advice on it because idk myself! But, I will say DO w/e is necessary & realize most people will find someone new (so I'm told). If you don't get past it you may wake up one day after wasting months or years to no good end (trust me). I know it's easier said than done.
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