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Heartbroken, advice, please!!!
#1
Hi there,

I'm feeling soo lost and need someone to talk to. Anyone. Any advice. Anything. If you can bear to read through all of my dirty laundry, please, tell me something, anything.



My boyfriend and I broke up a few hours ago and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. I need to make some sense out of it. This is my first relationship ever. This was his 2nd but first serious one. We've been together for a year and 7 months. We both have a lot of maturity issues.

Recently, he started working out/swimming again with coworkers/friends. In particular, one new guy ("Tom"), who he says is a lot like me, but apparently very straight. My bf is not out to his coworkers and intends to stay so.

Tom has seen my bf naked in the gym shower, and they text and make fun about each others body parts, and say things like "i'm c*ming" in questionable context. I may not like it, but I understand that's how he talks to some of his buddies. However, the only instance of me texting "im c*ming" to anyone was to someone I was about to sleep with, had slept with, and or spent the night with.

Tom invites my bf over to his apt BECAUSE 'his roommate is not home'. He lives directly across from where they all work and go to swim. They all went drinking 2 weekends ago and later he invites my bf to stay over. Bf had brought extra clothes. He ignores my text and does not call like usual. He meets me the day after and is very attentive and eager to please. I tell him he's acting suspicious and guilty. He smirks. At this point I already knew he stayed downtown. I dont mind that at all. But he tells me that he didn't sleep on Tom's couch because it was too small/uncomfortable, he is 6'2. They slept in the same bed, under the same sheets. He usually sleeps nude/semi nude. He admits that Tom plus 1 other coworker really like him, as friends/coworkers (budding friendships).

He always jokes alot and teases me, way too far most of the time.

Anytime I follow up on the subject and ask in seriousness for an honest answer, he is sarcastic and says 'they slept together dozens of times, f*cked every which way and he's been over there every night'.

I know in my heart, that he would never cheat on me. But it's his recurring insensitivity, selfishness, and lack of compassion that constantly disturbs me. He is Korean, 27. 2 years younger than me. However, I look and act a lot younger than him.

We were apart for 1 week. We quasi made up the past few days. He searches through my phone and interrogates me about people on there (there was nothing). He refuses to let me see his phone or to show me himself if there was anything i needed to know.

He was being very kind and wonderful last night. Then he starts teasing me with Tom again. "Well, Tom let's me do this." "I love Tom" he repeats many times, he hasn't said it to me in over a month. "Tom is my new boyfriend. You're just my f*ckbuddy now." I laugh it off. But I am fuming. I ignore him for a while. He gets upset and says he doesn't like me anymore and tells me to go away, pushing me out my own bed. He says, "I really will sleep with Tom now."

I come back and continue to ignore him. He's trying to placate me. Eventually he says, if I don't say anything in the next 10 seconds, that's it. It's over.

In a few minutes I'm ready to talk it out. He is not. I tell him why I was upset and ask for an apology. He does not care. He unemotionally says he's tired of it, of everything and that he is glad it's over. This is around 4am. He then goes to sleep. I try to talk to him. He says he'll leave in the morning. He proceeds to snore. I actually start crying, profusely, sobbing actually. He ignores me. I try to be discreet and leave. I come back and try to hold him.

He leaves in the morning. I'm still 'emotional' and a visible wreck. Eventually, I run after him. He ignores me while we walk to the subway. I call out to him. He's gone.

I am floored at how he is offended at me for being offended at the horrible things he's said. He has barely ever apologized for anything wrong he's done. The most I've gotten from him was "I'm sorry." after he was on a mobile cruising app using the profiles as quick j/o material. And after I find out 1 year later that when we were officially together for 1 week, he had been messaging/sexting another guy and went on a date with them behind my back, 3 days after the first time we slept together. Up until these events, I had absolute trust and faith in him. We always managed to work it out. But this today was just stupid ridiculous. He is the love of my life. The odds of us finding each other were incredible. I've never loved another human being as much as I do him. I don't want to live without him. But I can.


Anyone, can you impart any advice? Share any of your experiences with me? Please. Anything...
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#2
I know this is not what you want to hear but I think your better off with out him. He's been bullying you about Tom going on about how he wants him etc. to kick you out of your own bed at 4am is really nasty when you have done nothing wrong. He ignored you when you ran after him that should tell you that he doesn't want to talk.

It hurts breaking up with your boyfriend but as time goes by your heart will start to heal. If you ever want to talk send me a private message.
An eye for an eye
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#3
Jesus.

Go find a real boyfriend. Good boyfriends don't jeopardize the relationship like that.

That's after 1.5 yrs. Forget it. Can you imagine after 5 yrs? Count yourself lucky you didn't waste even more time with that dolt.

Good luck.
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#4
Let him go, life is not over, your relationship wasn't working at all, you could turn yoursef into a doormat and it wouldn't work still, he doesn't want to admit his faults, he doesn't want to change, and I'm sorry to tell you this, he probably slept with Tom, and it seems to me he was purposely provocating you to create a conflict and leave, the fact that he did so should clue you as well, it will be hard and painful but let him go, instead try to work on yourself, you sound like a sensible guy. work on your issues, search for teraphy and just let him go, you deserve be treated with respect, which clearly your ex wasn't doing.
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#5
I read your post before there were any replies and I was going to write very much along the same lines as those who have now replied. Yes, of course it is heratbreaking after a year an a half but you have to step back and look at the situating dispassionately. No true boyfriend would act as your supposed boyfriend is doing. He is using you and when he gets what he wants, more than likely he will cast you aside with no compunction.

Get out while you can. It's not what you want to hear but in the long run it will save you more heartbreak.
"You can be young without money but you can't be old without money"
Maggie the Cat from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." by Tennessee Williams
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#6
I read and understand every word you wrote.

You must be feeling horrible right now. Try to understand these feelings wont last for ever and I think one day you'll see that this relationship was not good for you.

You know, we're only treated the way we allow others to treat us. Your...boyfriend...ex - you need to start thinking of him in the past tense - sounds to me as though he was the immature one. I'm really not very surprised at all that you felt insecure and jealous. He treated you badly.

The process of recovery begins NOW.

My advice n how to handle this thing is to have no contact at all with him for three months. By then you should feel strong enough to handle him without your present emotions - that's if you NEED to handle him, tie off loose ends etc.

Do you have any friends who you can talk to about this? Duh! what am I thinking, you have an entire site full of them!

Use us as a sounding board and jump right in and give the benefit of YOUR experiences in other areas as well as this to help others through their bad patches.

Be strong, the pain wont last for ever!
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#7
Dump him immediately and masturbate to porn to make sure you don't become overzealous. If he loves you as much as you want him to, he is going to leave a lot of messages for you and he will keep stopping by. Be cool and polite. If he is seriously contrite about ignoring your feelings, relent. Tell him you would not mind a date that included no sex.

This is tough advice. Korean guys are gorgeous. I know exactly how crazy you feel, staring at him. Korean guys do understand the importance of respect. Hopefully, you will get him back and he will be hornier than when you dumped him.

Life takes time. Don't rush. You still will live 40 more years. Take a deep breath and a long walk. Remind yourself how nice you are and ask God to forgive, God will. He never shoots his mouth off and insults us. Learn to grin and look at the world when you walk. Pretty soon animals will make passes at you. Get a pet. it helps. It needs you. Everyone wants to feel needed. Right now you don't.
Correct that imbalance and like yourself more.

Good luck
John
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#8
Dan1980, LateBloomer, Ryocchi, LONDONER, Vigilias, gilhooly

Thank you soo much for all of your support and guidance. I don't feel soo alone. I am tearing up a bit right now and trying to laugh it off so I don't start crying. Thank you, thank you.

At its best, when I felt soo much love and attraction for him, I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to be married together someday somewhere...what our kids would be like, to raise a family. Sounds soo silly now XP
Thank you, again. I hope I can offer some comfort to other ppl on this site as well,

a thousand thank yous.
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