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How gay IS this person?
#1
One of my close male friends, who I've BEEN friends with for about ten years, blatantly came on to me (for the first time) a few months ago. This is a guy who--- as far as I know--- is 100 percent heterosexual, a single dad who sees his kids on weekends. We've spent a LOT of time together over the years, including plenty of "alone" time, and never until this year did he make a move on me, nor have I ever seen the slightest hint that he might have interest in sex with anyone except girls.

Truth is, I have *always* thought he was very attractive. So when he came on to me, it was the shock of my life but not an unpleasant one at all. What he wanted was oral sex, and I said "absolutely!" I was like "Wow, I never saw this coming, but I'm glad it happened." That first sexual encounter between us went well, and we did it again a couple of weeks later.... and again.... I think we're up to about 18 "encounters" now, in the last nine months.

What I want some advice on is: how gay IS he, do you think? And how far do I dare push my limits? Here's his history: he had a very intense LTR with the mother of his kids for 5 years, but they broke up in 2009. He's been single ever since, although he has occasional one-night stands. But he isn't a "player" with girls at all. He certainly doesn't get into the dating scene, and spends long periods of time celibate. I don't think he wants to be, it's just the way things worked out.

When he looks at porn, it's always straight porn. I suspect he has had sexual contact with other men, simply because he's pretty good at it, and he had to learn it SOMEWHERE. I'd like to know more of his history, but it's an off-limits topic and I wouldn't dare ask.

Our first sexual encounter was strictly a matter of me "performing" on him. He was willing to take off his clothes when I asked him to. but there was no interaction on his part. He wouldn't touch me, but just laid there. Since then, he has opened up a LOT. He will let me give him massages, and some of our encounters have lasted 3 hours or more. He'll chat with me about his life--- actually I get more intimate conversation from him at these times then we do when we're "just friends". It's nice.

Recently, he has (finally) allowed himself to touch me as well; he'll run his hand up and down my back and side, and the last time, he even brought his hands down inside my pants (I take my shirt off, but other than that, I always stay dressed. He has roommates who occasionally enter his bedroom, and he's afraid to have them see me there unclothed. This last time, he also wanted to do anal sex on me (and had even purchased some lube for the occasion), but I said no way. I don't get into that. He was kind of annoyed, and said "you're too jumpy."

But with all this--- he has set limits that I respect. He will NOT let me kiss him above the neck. The first time I tried, he held his hand up and said "No, I don't do that gay stuff." (As if what we'd already done was NOT gay??!) He also will not talk about our encounters at all, except when we're actually doing them. The rest of the time, he's just my buddy like always, and pretends it never happened.

Even when he wants me to come over for a tryst, he won't say so directly but always has some other reason, like "You want to come over and watch TV?" (That was true of our very first encounter, too. We never meet up at my house because I have roommates who would not be cool with that. It's always his house (fine with me), and usually after midnight after his roommates have gone to bed. He is very paranoid about them "finding out".

I am absolutely amazed that we have had the number of encounters we've had. I enjoy them, and he seems to enjoy them too. I wish I could cuddle with him more--- the last few times he has let me snuggle into the crook of his arm, but I can tell he's a bit skittish about that. I'd like to get us a hotel room, away from roommates--- but I'm afraid if I did that, it would be too obvious and uncomfortable for him. He's still a straight guy 99.9 percent of the time. Only when we're actually "together" does he drop his guard on that, and even then, not very much so.

So what do you guys think? He and I have gone a lot farther sexually than I EVER thought he would go, but I hate to push for any more "intimacy". I'd sure like to, though. I am not in love with him, nor am I falling in love with him, but I do love him very much as a friend, and always have. I think he kind of knows that. I think he's very uncomfortable with this side of his sexuality, and it's difficult for him to just loosen up.

Opinions???
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#2
My advice for what is worth, Don't dare to fall for him, and be honest with yourself, don't try to deny or look for reasons to keep playing with him because you will only end up hurt and making yourself unavailable for other people, now, if you can play without getting feelings into the mix go ahead and enjoy!, he's not that gay, he's not boyfriend material, I don't think he's even really bisexual, probably an open minded straight guy.
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#3
Sounds like he hooked on to the fact that you are gay and, like some heterosexual men, accepts blow jobs because in general, men do it better than women. I don't think that you will go anywhere with this relationship. "Don't do that gay stuff" should have been a clear sign to you. He's just using you for occasional sex and that's all.
"You can be young without money but you can't be old without money"
Maggie the Cat from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." by Tennessee Williams
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#4
Its seems you are just a convenient "hot hole"/"hot mouth" to this guy, and nothing more.

And you are wrong, this guy IS a player. This is what players do.
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#5
He isn't gay. He is (likely) bisexual, but identifies as heterosexual.

The biological reality is that he is experiencing desire for you, but that's probably where it's going to end --- he likely isn't interested in a relationship. Actually, at this given time, he flatly doesn't want a relationship, sorry. So your desire for more intimacy is a difficult one.

Listen, the reason he doesn't want to kiss above the neck, the reason he didn't want to touch you,the reason he wants you to be a giver and receiver of his sexual desire, is because in his mind it's look at how gay this guy is, and not him being gay. Makes no sense, but that's how it's working. He's also preventing himself from being interested in a relationship certainly, he might be nice to you, but he's not likely to allow himself to enter into anything long term.

My first romantic interest, in early highschool, was similar. I spent years trying to figure out if he was gay -- he would occasionally cuddle, he would let me touch him, play games that "Happened to involve lots of touching". One day I realized that wasn't what I wanted, I stopped. This year actually, we were in contact as he's friends with my brother, and we were alone in a room together and he tried to very casually happen to touch me. It was a very slow, subtle, "I'm just going to happen to graze your leg".

I responded directly, saying, "Don't do that, I'm not interested in being touched by you, and especially not anything more than that.". And the answer to whether he liked men or not was clear in the panic on his face at being directly confronted.

Your... whatever you want to call him, is actually very similar, even though you've had a lot of sex. At the end of the day, he's somehow allowing himself to think, on a certain level, that he isn't really gay, he's just having some fun.

Directly confront him. Ask for intimacy, a relationship, whatever you want. I'm going to bet he won't even want to talk about it. He might even say, "I'm not gay", "I can't do that", "That's not what I want.".

Maybe I'm wrong. The point is, is that there's really no way for you to make him "more comfortable with his sexuality". I know you didn't ask to be in a relationship in your post, but I wrote this post like this because it sounds like you've fallen for him, so I responded in that context. Given that context, I believe that you should be direct in this... save yourself an emotional struggle by finding your answers early... if by chance, he is interested in a relationship, you can essentially become his rock, and you can support him from there... but as long as he's hiding from even you, there's nothing you can do.

And if there's nothing you can do, nothing is going to change, and unless you completely and unhesitatingly love the current arrangement you have, you should work on leaving.
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#6
My opinion is that you need to know what you want.

You have said that you would like a bit more intimacy but that doesn't mean relationship.

Some of the other posts seem to be a little negative and saying that he is using you, well yes but that doesn't have to be a bad thing, if your getting something out of it too then its all good.

If you want more alone time with him, why not see if he was interested in a guys night out somewhere, like a concert or sports match where you can go out drinking after and crash at a hotel rather than having to drive back home.
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#7
My first thought was troll, and do you go camping with your brother?

Just saying.

ObW
X
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#8
Quote:and spends long periods of time celibate. I don't think he wants to be

Did this statement not offer you any clues?

I mean a blow job is a blow job when you are horny.

You're a cock sucker and he is a horny straight bloke copping a blow job from a cock sucker...Need any pictures drawn?

PS...before anyone says it...yes I know I lack eloquence...do I care?
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#9
He wants to get off and that's just that....

maybe he's developing some attachment towards you, but the limits he has set are clear..

if you are Ok with being the guy that gets him off, than fine, do it..you can also have your fun..

if you are seeking fior something else, a relationship, intimacy...you'll have to look somewhere else I fear
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#10
How gay is he?

On a scale of one to ten I would say Apple..

Which is to say I think you're trying to pick an apple from oranges.

Sexual identity is whatever a person says THEIR sexual identity is.
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