How to come in contact with gay bears?

[si91mon]

I'm not so long out of the closet but one of the first things that I notice it's hard to get in contact with gay cubs/bears (I feel sexual attracted to hairy bearded men).

I'm not such a outgoing person I think... I tried to go in the beginning of my coming out to go to a gay bar somewhere in Antwerp. I directly noticed that this wasn't my thing, so I even didn't try other bars. Except from one bar in Brussels, it's specially for gay bears. The one of the only bear bars in Belgium.
There I noticed again that I'm too shy (+ Brussels is kinda far) and that's the reason why I continued my search on the internet. I made accounts on different gay social sites: gayromeo, gayroyal, gaydar, bearwww,... The problem was mostly that I didn't find a lot of bear guys in Belgium and when I found some one interesting they where not interested in me, spoke French, weren't available,... So quicky I began to focus on other countries out of some kind of desperate state.
Als a problem with those social websites, in the beginning when you're the newbe you got a lot of views and there's much action. But after some days it gets kinda death. Even when

Meanwhile I made some bear friends (especial chat friends)... but still I didn't meet much bears in real life. Can it be that there are so few bears in Belgium? But if I look to one of my belgium gay friend, I see in his facebook list a lot of gay bears. He's kinda popular... I'm affraid I don't fit in the bear world. I'm not super manly or have a strong bear appearence (I'm still 22).

Are there some ways to increase my network?
Do I have any chance as a youngster to fit in that world? How do I get in contact with younger manly men?

I feel kinda stuck...

[Iceblink]

Bear bars, leather/levi bars

[Wade]

Rub some honey on your ass.

[Camfer]

You're what's called a cub. A young bear in training. Maybe if you post that you're a cub more bears will be able to sniff you out.

Icey's right, is there a leather bar or a wrinkle bar or a bear bar in your city? Try a leather club too.

[CellarDweller]

roar!!!!!!!

[LJay]

Not really sure, but I've always had suspicions about Yogi.

Try an online search for gay clubs in your area and then maybe a search for bears. Gyms?

[Steve]

Hello si91mon.

I know the Bear bar in Brussels is probably a long distance for you, but that may be your best bet to find a strictly all Bear bar. Otherwise I'd look not just for bars closer to home, but gay friendly cafes. Try to rule out the bars that are geared just for cruising and hook ups at first.

Camfer is correct, you're referred to as a cub in Bear circles. Perhaps an Otter depending on how much hair you sport.

The main advice I'll give you is to try to gain some confidence. Come out of your shell. That Bear bar in Brussels is a good place to start making friends. The one thing I'm fairly certain about in the Bear community is that of all the many colors in our rainbow, i.e., leather, twink, gym bunnies, daddies, kink, etc. the Bear community is one of the most accepting of the lot. The Bear men I have known are most often the most accepting, inclusive, and kind men I have known. No, not all Bears are like that, but you'll never know unless you stop being afraid and get to know some guys.

Keep trying.

[si91mon]

You're what's called a cub. A young bear in training. Maybe if you post that you're a cub more bears will be able to sniff you out.

Icey's right, is there a leather bar or a wrinkle bar or a bear bar in your city? Try a leather club too.

I never thought of considering myself a cub. Somehow I like the thought of it ^^. I think I always considered myself as an admirer. I think body wise I could almost say I'm kinda twinkish accept from my goatee.

Maybe I need to consider myself as a cub mental wise .

[Virge]

The zoo maybe?



But on serious matters....

I operate a bed and breakfast from May 31st to September 1st. (short summer tourist season here) The only advertising I do is with gay motorcycles clubs. 99% of the members in the motorcycle clubs are bears on the road and mostly well educated successful professionals--- doctors. attorneys, corporate types. Here's the results for a search for similar clubs in Europe.
http://www.bing.com/search?q=gay+motorcy...&FORM=AWRE

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Many bears out there don't do the scene either. They, like you, tend to find the scene a bit too much.

I think what you really need is a gay buddy (friend only) or a gal-pal (AKA Fag-hag - horrible name, don't like to use it).

Having someone to go out to these places with tends to take the sting out of the whole social drama of the situation.

Having a gal-pal sends the message more clearly that you are single, having a gay buddy tend to cause many to think you are lovers.

Hint of the day: Don't hang on your gay buddy, kiss them, hug them and be that close - that tends to send the message that 'we are just friends'.

As for adverts, yes the whole 'newbie' thing does get a lot of hits at first.... Adverts are usually long term things, unless you are looking for just a hook-up, in that case they get many more hits and get results faster.

I take it you are more relationship oriented, if this is the case than hits are going to be father and fewer.

The problem with finding a good man is you need to meet men first. Your refusal to go to the bars is going to limit your ability to meet men in general.

Someone said to call yourself a cub... Well actually you may not be a cub.

You need to research the subject a bit more, this way on your adverts you can put what you are. here is a start with links to the definitions of terms:

http://ultimatebearlinks.pbworks.com/w/p...ear%20FAQs

I call myself a bear hunter, because 'chaser' has negative connotations for me. I have no bearish, wolfish or otterish stuff going on (I'm an elf!).

You might want to include in adverts that you are 'shy'. This will send a clear message that you are not going to be likely to be the one to initiate stuff. And that is something that guys like to know.

Also understand that the term bear has different meanings for different people. Guys who have a beard and are as wide as they are tall claim the title bear, then guys who are thick with muscle with a thick pelt and just a perpetual 5 O'clock shadow also call themselves bears. So you may need to be a bit clearer about what it is you actually seek in a man.

The thing with meeting a potential mate is often enough you are not going to meet him directly, you need a social network (no not twitter or facebook, I'm using social network in the old timey way of a circle of friends (oh wait no I don't mean Google + either - I mean face to face people)).

So when you do go out to bars and clubs you main goal is not to hunt down bear, your main goal is to get a network of friends around you who will most likely introdce you to those other gay guys, what may be the majority of gay guys, the ones who don't do the scene (bars/clubs) but do social activities like parties, dinners, blah.

And don't limit yourself to just 'gay activities' when seeking a mate. Got a hobby? Then perhaps find a social gathering that actually shares in that hobby with you. I have met really interesting guys when I did the group hikes thing. (Hiking Clubs). If it wasn't for the minor issue of my being in a relationship at the time, there were several guys that had I been single dating would not have been out of the question. And the club I was with was not LGBT aimed, it was just aimed at people who liked to hike, camp, etc....

Having shared interests in a relationship is important, so this kinda kills a bird with the same stone you are using to meet new and more often than not fascinating people. From my hiking club days I also made many acquaintances and friends. They in turn invited me to other interesting social gatherings were I met more interesting people.

Name the hobby and there is most likely a club for that. Google it.

Since you are new to the LGBT scene, I strongly suggest you work on getting LGBT friends and acquaintances in the real world around you.

So go back to that non-bear club and when the next fellow approaches you don't just say 'oh you are not a bear, please leave' engage him in conversation, and see if the seeds of friendship can be sown.

What the world really needs is a Gal-Pal dating app or site - a place where lonely gay men can meet their perfect fag-hag and have a girly pal to fill out the gay man's life.

I have been seeing the term Fruit Fly: http://davidatlanta.com/2012/09/fag-hags...uit-flies/ a lot more, so perhaps this is an acceptable term and better explains what a good gal-pal is about?

Perhaps you need one of those in your life to be your social crutch and motivator.

Mine would come waltzing into my house, order me to put on real clothes. Often enough she would just walk to my bedroom open my closet, make some comment about having to train me to be more gay as she made sad and unpleasant sounds over my lack of wardrobe, throw and outfit at me and tell me we are going out.

At the bar, She would bring men over to me, introduce them to me, tell them all sorts of what I consider as personal and private information, such as my name, such as 'recently divorced by that prick who cheated on him' you know stuff I would never ever in a million years offer to a perfect stranger.....:biggrin:

Mind this wasn't a one way relationship, I got to carry some of her darkness and grief for her when she needed me. We were (are still I guess, even though she moved to Oregon and isn't calling her gay man as often as she used to) good friends.

While this article approaches the subject tongue in cheek (which most sites will do this), the reality is that gay men need a straight woman in their life to set them, um, straight? :tongue:

For most Gal-pal/Gay man relationships there is a lot of deep friendship going on. There really isn't any sexual tension there in most cases. Sure some have it, and some have some horror stories about misplaced unrequited love gone bad... but in most cases the relationship is good to great.


So take your focus off of finding a Bear to mate with. Instead start getting a circle of face to face LGBT and gay tolerant folk in your life. Seek out friendships with people.

A relationship will happen to/for you in its own time. And in most cases its about the time you stop looking for love that love sneaks up behind you and bashes your brain in with a 20 pound sledge hammer when and were you least expect it.