Hi people, I started dating my boy friend a little over a year and a half ago, he is Canadian but we lived in London and had a great connection straight away. For me the only real problem with the relationship is that the sex is pretty bad, but I have never really brought it up in conversation. About 6 months in I broke up with him for about a week: I am very much and introvert and he is very much an extrovert, and I guess I was feeling claustrophobic spending so much time together after having been single for about 4 years, plus I was having a really shitty time at work. We met up a few times in the week and slowly I realised my need for solitude was not as great as my love for him - we got back together, but I know he still thinks about it sometimes and doesn't really understand. All was going really well after this until he told me that his Visa would expire in January and he would have to return to Canada. We continued with our relationship with no major problems, we have been discussing marriage or a potential move to a different country we would both have the right to live/work in, and he came to visit me for a month in June. Recently I started a new job in a bar (I am a student and have been really struggling for money lately.) Everything had been going great until we had a staff party the past week end. I basically A: got really really drunk within a very short space of time, and B: made quick friends with a couple, I knew them before, but not very well. At the end of the night they asked me if I wanted to go home with them, I said yes. I had a feeling something was going to happen, but I kind of just let it wash over me and I got in the taxi, and when the three of us started to have sex it didn't even really occur to me I was doing anything that wrong, that it would all be fine. In the morning I felt bad, and confused. I don't know what I was thinking and I'm so fucking deeply ashamed of myself.. I didn't even think I was capable of something so horrible previously. It's been two days and I have barely spoken to my boyfriend since. I think he is really pissed off with me because I haven't been getting back to him, but I really don't know what to say. I don't want to be a liar as well as a cheat, however if I do tell him, he could be totally destroyed, his trust in me would be ruined, he would possibly break up with me, but even if he did his self-confidence could be shattered, and I really don't want that. He has been so good to me, I don't know how I could do this. I love him so much. Sorry for such a long post, Thanks for reading and any advice or insight would be great. I really want to work this out if at all possible.
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If you plan/want to stay together, keep your mouth shut and never tell him (and don't see this couple again.) If the sex in your relationship is "pretty bad," and you've only been together 1-1/2 years, you need to talk, and/or get counseling together. If he has to go back to Canada, but marrying him would allow him to stay, you need to decide whether you want to get married.
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I believe that people cheat because they are missing something in their relationships. You need to figure out what it is, and talk to him about it.
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My advice is to tell him. I learned many years ago that I can handle someone making a mistake but I cannot handle the lie. For me...the deception is FAR WORSE than the indiscretion.
The lie will rip you apart and cause you a lot of angst (assuming you have a conscience) and IF you continue in your relationship the more time passes it will be worse.
If he doesn't understand or forgive you then maybe he isn't as great as you think he is. Seriously...there are a lot of pious people walking around. Most of the people who throw themselves on the cross about someone cheating make so many of their own mistakes.
I must warn you...he could leave you if you take my advice! I think living a lie is the worst thing you can do in a relationship though so I would take the risk myself and accept the consequences, I think if you don't tell him..you have sacrificed your self respect and done a disservice to him...and yourself
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To options:
Lie. Feel ashamed. Let circumstances unfold as they will.
Tell the truth. Feel relieved. Let circumstances unfold as they will.
Lies will almost always see the light of day. Staff party and sex with people you knew before. Oh yeah, you can keep that a secret for a long time. NOT
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You don't deserve to be with him. Sorry if that's harsh but it's not difficult to NOT cheat. You can't really get more selfish than that. I wouldn't even cheat on a partner I was fighting with.
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Lying in a relationship? HikerSkier, I'll argue that issue with you all day long. Bad advice.
hereIam,
you made a huge fracking mistake. Lies will eat you from the inside and eventually your BF will find out... and when he does, you will have no chance at saving a relationship. Everyone I know over 40 tells stories about how lies they told eventually came around full circle and bit them in the butt and I'm taking their word for it and not trying to reinvent stupidity.
Your only hope for saving the relationship is to BE HONEST, hope for the best and seek help in dealing with whatever it is in you that made you get in a cheating situation.
and the sooner the better for both.
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Agreed. Be honest and let him move on.
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well there's no magical cure that would make this situation easier, for either of you. you went home and had sex with other guys. that is what it is. there's no sugarcoating it. you did that and you have to take responsibility for your actions.
you only have two choices: you either tell him or not. personally, i think you should tell him and he has a right to know, but i can understand both perspectives. if you decide to tell him, then before you do it you have to figure it out why you did what you did and how you want things to go from there. just springing it on him with no rational sense to why you behaved like that is one of the worst ways to go about it (and no, ''i was drunk'' is not the why). and you also have to think about why the sex is ''bad'' with him and if there isn't anything you could do to improve that. does he even know you consider sex between you two ''bad''?
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