Alright everyone, as requested, I got a GS member portal story. I tried writing in present tense for practice. I don't have much practice with it, so I apologize for any mistakes. This is a first draft - it's all for giggles, after all.
It's got me, @
CellarDweller , @
Bhp91126 , and @
Insertnamehere as main characters. @
Bookworm and @"Pyromancer" I didn't include you, sorry. To save characters, CellarDweller is sometimes referred to as CD, and Bhp91126 as Bhp.
Note - I can't get indents pasted in. Sorry.
The GS Convention
I can’t believe I’m actually going to meet these people. In person, in the flesh, face to face. When Andy said he was going to host the first GS Convention, I thought I at least was safe in being across the pond. Instead, it’s being held in New York City – how can I say no to that?
I make it to the address I got on the invitation. An usher takes me to the “Grand Ballroom” – Andy must have gone all out. I enter the ballroom and see a sea of familiar faces.
Most of them look just like their avatars. CellarDweller is wearing his cowboy hat (why inside, I have no idea), Bhp is wearing the same blue collar shirt, Cridders88 is rocking a scruffy beard. It’s everything I’d imagine it’d be.
I see Meebs and Emiliano at the hors d'oeuvre table. They’re the closest to my age, so I’ll try to socialize with them first. I talk with them for a few minutes until Insertnamhere joins us.
“What’re you guys talking about?” asks Insertnamehere.
“Not much,” I say. I notice CellarDweller and Bhp are both on their phones, texting away. I point to them and ask “What’s with those two?”
Insertname rolls his eyes. “They’re both trying to win the Last Post thread.”
“Seriously?” I ask. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.”
Me, Insertname, Meebs, and Emiliano go to CD and Bhp. “Guys,” I say, “don’t you think the word games are little unnecessary right now, now that we’re with each other, in person? We all live hundreds of miles away from one another, we’ll probably never see each other again.”
CD pounds the screen on his phone, “Ha! I’ll give the word games a rest when Bhp finally learns the win is mine!”
Bhp growls. “Grr! Ugh! I hate how I have to wait a minute between posts.” He points at Insertname. “Hey you,” he says, “you’re a scientist, right?”
“I am,” says Insertname.
“Can you invent something that’ll give me the win?” asks Bhp.
Insertname facepalms himself. “No. I’m not that kind of scientist.”
“I’ll give you a hundred bucks,” says Bhp.
“You’re being ridiculous,” says Insertnamehere, “I don’t even know computer programming.”
“I’ll give a thousand bucks,” says CD.
“Sold!” says Insertname. He runs out of the ballroom.
CD laughs. “Ha ha! The win is mine, now! Insert is the top scientist in all of Chile.”
Bhp swears at CD in German, and says: “When he gets back here, I’m going to offer him $2,000!”
I groan. “Why did I come here?”
CD’s face lights up in a big Chesire Cat smile. “Hey,” he says, “I think you could use a good tickling.”
“For the love God,” I say, “please no.”
CD tickles me. It is excruciating. I laugh so hard, everyone but Bhp walks away from us. My gut is killing me. I vomit. CD stops tickling me as my bile spills across the floor.
“Yuck,” says Bhp, “Good job Cellar, good job! Look at what you made your son do!”
“I didn’t know he’d throw up!” says CD.
“I’m back guys,” says the voice of Insertnamehere. He comes towards us, carrying a vial of a strange glowing liquid. “This chemical contains the essence of the Last Post Wins thread. Whoever drinks it will have the win.”
Woosh! Insernamehere slips in my vomit. His vial shatters on the floor, and the glowing liquid mixes into my vomit. Bang! There is an explosion. I can’t see anything. My sight returns, and I am with Insertname, CD, and Bhp in a quiet, grassy woodland.
Insertname stands up and wipes my vomit from his back. “Ugh, gross. Thanks a lot, Chase.”
I blush. “I’m really sorry, Insert, CD just wouldn’t stop tickling me.”
“Where the Hell are we?” asks Bhp.
I hear a horse whinnee. I turn around and see a unicorn grazing on the forest floor. “Hmm,” says Insertnamehere, “I’d say we’re in some sort of fantasy world. The win formula I made must have reacted with Chase’s vomit. Vomit, as you know, is more acidic than battery acid. When gastric acid reacts with – well, long story short, we opened a portal that must have transported us from the GS convention in New York City to – whatever world this is.”
“Can we go back?” I ask.
Insertname looks around at our surroundings. He picks a flower, “hmm,” he says, “looks like this world has all the elements we have. I can, but I’ll need some chemistry equipment.”
“I can’t believe it,” I say. “Is this some sort of joke?”
“Science is not a joke!” says Insert. “Let’s go see if this world has civilization.”
We leave the unicorn and tread through the forest. I just can’t believe any of it. Herds of unicorns prance on the ground, fairies buzz through the air, I must be tripping on acid.
We come to a village. It looks like a Medieval town, with wooden paneled houses, thatched roofs, and villagers in tunics riding around on donkeys and horses. Everyone in the quaint town stares at us as we walk in. With CellarDweller’s cowboy hat, Bhp’s blue polo, and Insertname covered in my vomit, we stick out like sore thumbs.
Before we know it, we’re surrounded by villagers. An old man shouts, “State your business, outsiders! Tell no lies, or we’ll burn you at the stake!”
“Ahem,” says Insertname, “we don’t mean to bother. We’re looking for a chemistry set.” He palms himself in the face. “Chemistry, what am I saying? I mean we’re looking for an alchemy set.”
A village boy points to CD and Bhp and asks “What are those things wrapped around their wrists?”
Bhp holds his wrist up and says, “You mean this thing? It’s a watch. It tells us the time, look.”
Villagers come forward and gasp at the sight of the ticking second hand. They bow down and start worshiping us.
Despite our humble objection to being gods and wizards, the villagers continue worshiping us. The villagers throw a banquet in our honor, and peasants from nearby villages come to pay homage.
Insertname and I both don’t have wristwatches. Villagers stop showering us with gifts when they catch site of our naked wrists. I try to show them my phone to impress them, and notice it wasn’t transported with me.
“Hey Insert,” I say to him, “I lost my phone. Do you know where it is?”
“I lost mine too,” says Insertname. “I don’t think silicon in transistor form is able to be transported across inter-dimensional portals. It sucks, because I kind of wish these half-brained peasants would at least give me a clean change of clothes. CD and Bhp are getting all the good shit.”
CD laughs. “I’m loving this! I could be a god forever!”
“Me too!” says Bhp.
CD snaps his fingers. “Mortals! Give my friends amenities. Clean clothes, food, water, ale – and lots of tickles!”
“I hate you,” I say.
Insert and I are finally given food and clean clothes, and join in the celebration. By midnight, Insert says, “Alright, I found an alchemist in this backwards village. He gave me his alchemy set. With some work, I can convert it into a chemistry set and transport us back to Earth.”
“Screw that!” says CD, “I’m staying here!”
“Yeah,” says Bhp, “I’m a freaking god!”
“This isn’t right,” I say. “You two are not gods! I have a dog back on Earth. As much as I hate Earth, I want to go home!”
CellarDweller snaps his fingers. “Peasants,” he says, “give that tall boy a million tickles. And the alchemist! That’s an order!”
Insert and I are consumed by the tickling barbarians. A disagreement erupts among the peasants as to who is the most powerful god. They are divided – half think it’s CD, half Bhp. CD and Bhp have their followers carry them off to different towns. Insert and I are left with the more enlightened villagers who see them as wizards, not gods.
Finally, I’m free from those two. I can’t believe they let the villagers worship them as gods.
I go to Insertname. “Hey Insert, what are we going to do now?”
“The alchemist here is going to let me sleep in his lab,” he says. “He’ll feed me and give me his alchemy set in exchange for teaching him the proper arts of chemistry. He says he doesn’t have room for you, sorry.”
I ask around town. I meet an old schoolmaster. He tells me I can stay with him if I agree to help him teach the peasant children. I reluctantly agree. I hate kids. I really hope Insername can get me the heck out of here. Who knew getting transported to a fantasy world would be a pain in the ass.
I go to sleep on a hay bed. I wake up, eat flavorless, unsweetened oatmeal for breakfast, and spend the day teaching children basic math. Work ends, and I go to Insert.
The alchemy lab is in a cold, moist basement. I approach Insert as he drips a purple dye into a bubbling beaker. The room becomes filled with smoke. I cough until it settles down. “Any luck?” I ask him.
“Yep,” he says. “Finding out how to open up an interdimensional portal was easy.” He laughs. “The hard part was figuring out how to open one without using vomit. Here’s what I’m going to need – a few pounds of quartz crystals, foxglove petals, and gold. Lots and lots of gold.”
“How am I supposed to get gold?” I ask.
“The so-called gods,” says Insertname. “While you were teaching children how to count, I learned our holy superiors had castles built in their names, and now run and operate rival kingdoms. I’ll get the quartz crystals and foxglove petals. You go to their castles and ask if they can lend us some golden bricks.”
I hitch a ride on a one-horse drawn turnip wagon to CellarDweller’s castle. The farmer takes the turnips to the market. I hop off the wagon and go to the keep. Inside, CD is sitting atop a high throne. I see a soldier holding a pike capable of chopping off my head growl at me. I drop to my knees.
A soldier’s voice booms: “You are approaching the lord of tickling, king of Joisey, and emperor of bears. What business do you have here?”
“CD,” I say, “please. I want to go home. Insert says he needs some gold to make a portal.”
CD strokes his face. It’s grown scruffier from being thrusted into a world with no shaving cream. “Hmm,” he says, “my kingdom is rich with gold, but I need it for my own purposes.”
“What do you need gold for?” I ask. “You have an entire castle!”
“The war, of course. The evil lord Bhp thinks he has the win – the win! Not on my watch.”
“There’s going to be a war?” I ask. “CD, this is ridiculous. These are actual people, and they’re going to be killed over –”
“SILENCE!” yells CD. He jumps out of his throne to his feet. “The win is mine! MINE!”
I feel a tear run down my cheek. I’m crying. My dog, I’m never going to see my dog again! “Please!” I cry, “I want to see my dog again!”
CD sits back down on his throne. “Ugh, fine. I’ll give you … hmm … thirty pounds of gold. But only on one condition.”
“What?”
“You submit to a five-hour tickling.”
I begrudgingly agree. The jester scurries across the cobbled floor with a long feather duster. I am tickled by the fiendish clown. Time stops, all I can hear is the maniacal laughter of the jester, and the screeching laughs of my own voice.
It ends, and I leave CD as he preps for war. I have the gold sent to Insertname, and use some of the gold to buy a horse to take me to Bhp’s castle.
Bhp’s castle, I’ll admit, is very beautiful. I always liked German castles. I’ve always wanted to tour Germany, but never could. Funny how this is the closest thing I’ve come to a European vacation.
I enter the throne room of Bhp. All around Bhp, half naked twinks dance exotically. Bhp snaps his fingers, and the twinks stop dancing and begin fanning him with fans of peacock feathers.
“What is it?” asks Bhp.
I tell him I need gold for the portal.
“Is this a trick?” asks Bhp. “My spies report you were just at CellarDweller’s castle!”
“No! Please!” I cry. “I just want to see my dog again!”
Bhp rolls his eyes. “Fine. But if I catch you in that heathen’s army, you’ll be spending the rest of your days in the dungeons – once I’ve crushed his army, of course. I will give you the gold on the condition you agree I am the winner of the last post thread.”
This is so ridiculous. As soon as I return home, I’m posting on that thread. “Fine,” I lie.
“AND!” says Bhp, “you join my harem and entertain me.”
“WHAT?”
Bhp claps his hands. “Join the twinks, you heard me. Chop chop.”
I join his train of scantily clad young men and dance for him for the night. When I’ve finally earned my gold, I take it back to Insertname.
In the dark, moist, underground, alchemist lab, Insertnamehere already has a portal. It’s circular and swirling against the wall, like the portal from Rick and Morty, except blue. He has all the gold on a wagon.
“What do you do with the gold?” I say.
“Sell it all,” he says, “duh.”
“So wait,” I say, “you mean you made me go through all that trouble just so you can be rich back on Earth? Dude, what the fuck? I was tickled by a jester for five hours at CD’s castle, and had to …” I cringe, “be a … dancer … at Bhp’s castle.”
“Oh shut up,” says Insert “You can have half. The other half will be my payment for opening the portal. I doubt I’ll get that thousand bucks for the win potion.”
“Insert,” I say, “this isn’t right. CD and Bhp are taking advantage of these poor, primitive people. They’re starting a war. People are going to die. No matter who wins, this world will forever be –”
“Don’t you have student loans?” says Insert. “Shut up and return to Earth before the portal closes.”
The wagon filled with gold is heavy, but Insertname and I pull it together into the swirling portal. The portal vanishes, and Insert and I are back on Earth.
“Where are we?” I ask.
“Chile,” he says.
“How am I going to get back to the states?” I ask. “I don’t have a passport.”
Insertnamehere points at the gold. “Ahem. Just bribe your way back in. You’re rich now, pretty boy. You can do anything now.”
Virgo
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Sagittarius
Capricorn
![[Image: 51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg]](https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg)
![[Image: 200.gif]](https://media.giphy.com/media/Z9OGuQyrfHAE8/200.gif)
Gemini
