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I've just about had it!
#1
Bouncer

I have no idea where to begin...well okay that's a lie...I do have an idea where to start to fix this, but no idea where to start about WHY I should fix this.

I guess I should start with my friends telling me to hide something from the other. With that being said, I should go on to say that my friend Caleb had a crush on my friend Mary, who's taken (she's bi, in a monogamous straight relationship with a guy named John, and they've been together for four years). Caleb was getting a bit obsessed with this idea of falling for his best friend and let himself drive it to the point where he started digging up dirt on Mary's boyfriend through John's friends on Facebook. Caleb didn't keep it to himself, and instead dumped it all on me, expecting me not to tell her anything. So, after about two weeks of this, I still kept my mouth shut - but it still came out into the open, but not from me. No. John's friend told him (John) that Caleb was poking around where he shouldn't have, and John then told Mary.

We had just finished the day hanging out with each other, and I drove home, while Caleb dropped Mary off at her house on his way home - and John told Mary via text (and even took a picture of his screen as to the message he saw on Facebook), which sent Mary on a rampage and she told Caleb off. Later that night, she apologized to Caleb for telling him off, and I decided it was time to tell Mary everything that Caleb had told me - with the exception of him having a crush on her. She already knew, simply because of the way he's been acting around her. So I had them spend a couple hours talking to each other to clear the air.

It's been a few weeks since this fiasco.

Now to the next chapter:

This last week was the first week of the semester for everyone - Caleb, Mary, her boyfriend John and me - all at the same college. Caleb has been anxious to see Mary, and John wants Mary to tell Caleb to, well, (bleep) off. Because Mary can't (and possibly won't) hang out with Caleb, Caleb has had to put up with his stressful home-life, since he only has one class until February when two more classes start for him. He says he's over his crush on Mary. I felt bad for him, and then felt much worse, as this last weekend, he wanted to commit suicide. He definitely wasn't thinking right, and I stayed up for hours talking to him over facebook to help him get out of it. It didn't work too well, as Sunday morning rolled around, he wasn't suicidal anymore, but instead, bit my head off and told me off, and told me to get out of his life. So, to sort of preserve the friendship, I completely cut him off and blocked him for a day.

Last night, I unblocked him, but I did not accept his new friend-request on facebook. Also last night, Mary and I had some time to hang out. She confessed to me that John was so pissed about Caleb...and she didn't want me to tell him anything.

Well, tonight, Caleb and I had a talk. And he started getting in on the fact that Mary was not talking to him much...I hate to see someone suffer, but at the same time, I just cannot stand it when friends ask me to withhold things from the other...I told him everything that Mary had told me last night. Now he no longer trusts me, he no longer trusts Mary, and I snapped.

If you bear with me, this is my message to my friend Caleb tonight, it has been edited, and it might sound a little bit out of context:

Quote:If there's one thing my friends should know about me, it's that when you start depending on me to keep secrets from one another, people are going to get hurt from the aftermath. And this is where I'm about to explode. Talk about ruining a friendship? Dude, friends DO NOT KEEP secrets from EACH OTHER. Yes, I am that kind of ticked off now. You should've just told her in the beginning dude. You should've. Instead of going behind her back and digging up dirt on John. Granted, yes, I think he's a bit of a jerk, but we are not hearing the full story because that's John. Some people are like him - shelled up and silent. Second of all, I don't know where this weekend's garbage came from, and I understand that you've got some ghosts in your past, but that alone has put me AND Mary on edge. We're glad you're doing better. What's really irritating the heck out of me is that now she wants to keep things from you. This is not how things should be. God help me because all of us are going to sit down and talk. I'm done here. I know I'm now chewing your head off, but all of this is B.S. and we are going to fix it.
Computerprobs


Granted, having all of us - me, Caleb, John and Mary - sit down and talk things out, one at a time, like a counselor-mediator thing feels right, but is it really? I mean, I've done this before with other friends, and even family, but there is so much here that could go wrong; starting with John hating Caleb, Caleb hating John, and Caleb already not trusting Mary nor I. I don't know how Mary is right now, but she told me when I said to her last night that if it comes down to a group mediation, it might end badly. I'm a hard-ass when I need to be, and I don't sugarcoat anything, but, I just need advice here. I'm so frustrated and I had to go close my eyes in a dark quiet room just to calm me down and keep me from doing damage to other things. Shit-hits-the-fan





Whew
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#2
Kudos for at least being reasonable amongst all that chaos. No offense to anyone, but I absolutely hate people who ask you to keep secrets from friends, hide things etc. or people who just create unnecessary drama in general. God that irritates me! What's even worse is the fact that there are always rational solutions available when people decide to behave like that.

Please talk to all of them. Working on the assumption that they can behave as adults for at least a limited amount of time and won't kill each other, that's probably the best solution.
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#3
I think a well done for trying to hold everything together and please everyone for so long is in order!

As your finding out its hard work when you become the lynchpin holding a group of friends together.

It sounds to me like you need to try and take a step back and let them sort out their differences between them, if you want to stay involved perhaps you can take on (as you already have) a referee type role in all this.

Get everyone together, tell them exactly how your feeling and how they are making you feel, and make sure they all understand that everyone is an adult and they should start behaving like one.

Finally, you need to think about your emotional health in all this as well, otherwise you will get dragged into every he said - she said argument between them!

Good luck Smile

ObW
x
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#4
As per usual, word traveled fast, Caleb then told Mary how I told him everything. Then she jumped down my throat about being a "gossipy little b*tch".

So I fired away here (edited):

Quote:You know what? It is THAT attitude right there that got us all in trouble in the first place. Trust? I'm pretty damn sure that this secret-keeping from each other shot that horse in the face. You want to start protecting people? Hiding things from them is not the way to do it. Yes, I told Caleb because to be honest, this is all bull. I don't give two rats asses what John says you can and cannot do with Caleb. Caleb is your friend. He doesn't have a crush on you anymore and he's sorry that he did, because now look at him - he doesn't even trust you, since you're hiding things from him. Mary, until all of us learn to respect each other, and act like mature adults, I'm done with people expecting me to hide things from someone else. You want to fix this? Then you start talking to Caleb. I've already offered having to fix this once, and you turned down that idea because John hates Caleb.


Quite honestly, I hate all of this. I hate the drama. I hate everything. Caleb wants us all to talk, Mary does not, because her boyfriend says no. Caleb also says that he wants to end his friendship with Mary, and possibly with me.

Pray
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#5
And this is why I don't do FaceBook. Yes some of my ex's family did/ does about the same thing - airing their dirty laundry on that "trash you pal" thing we call FB, and this is just the sort of fights it leads to.

Deal with it you way, but I'd simply get off FB and talk to each "friend" individually. Why does the world need to read your dirty laundry?
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#6
oh wow, this is just way too much drama. I couldn't for a second call people who behave like this towards each other a 'friend'.

Bloody hell, I would have walked...no RUN away ages ago. Life is too short to allow your life to be filled with other peoples bullshit and THEN try and sort it out for them.
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#7
Wow!
That is one angry hornets nest you have there.
Bow out gracefully as you are in a no win situation ,if you keep the secrets you are betraying the one who the secret is about and if you tell the secret , you are betraying the person that told you the secret in the first place.

If you can all sit down and talk it out great , if not make it very clear to all concerned that you do not want to be told secrets , backstabbing or anything else.

John will never trust Caleb and I do not blame him as what he did was underhanded.
Mary is to in love with John to see things objectively.
Caleb is depressed so do not expect him to be in sound mind right now.

So that leaves you, stuck in the middle.

Sorry you are going through this .

Bighug
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#8
It seems no one can come to an agreement, so, I'm throwing in the towel.

I mean it's just, I'm capable of solving conflicts, but this one got too large, too fast; and it doesn't help that everyone is jumping down my throat.

So...IDK...what is there left for me to? I've decided enough is enough, I'm staying off facebook for the rest of the week, perhaps even the month.
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#9
you can keep all of the people happy some of the time, some of the people happy all of the time, BUT you will never keep all of the people happy all of the time.

Leave it alone. I know they are friends, but really, this is their shit to sort out.
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#10
Don't be afraid to chalk up a loss. Sometimes you can't reconcile friends and lovers to each other. You accept responsibility for others you have no control over, you are the one who will get hurt the worse.

Do what you can but be ready to run away and protect your own emotional health. Your state of mind is what others will fall in love with. I don't want to walk in your shoes right now.

Good luck!!!!
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