Little Johnny and Susie

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Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."

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The Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. On her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Deathbed Wish
Tim was on his deathbed and he gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, Tim," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence."
"But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said.
With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!"

Multiple Vasectomies
Did you hear about the moron who had eight vasectomies? He had to. His wife kept getting pregnant.

Snowstormed
How is sex with a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.

No Swimming!
A cop walk his beat down the Santa Monica pier. He suddenly hears a man screaming: "HELP ME! HELP! I CAN'T SWIM!"
The cop looks over pier, he sees the man strugling in the water and he yells, "Well that a good thing sir, cause you're not allowed to swim here."

Birthday Present
Hubby: It's coming up on your birthday and I'd like some idea of what you'd like.
Wife: I want a divorce!!
Pause.
Hubby: I'm really sorry, dear, but I hadn't planned to spend that much this year.

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A gay man decided that he could no longer conceal his sexuality from his parents. So he went over to their house, where he found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at their kitchen table, and while his mother stirred her pots, he let out a big sigh. "Mom," he said, "I have something to tell you. I'm gay."

His mother, back turned, made neither a reply nor gave any response to her son.

The young man, thinking his mother hadn't heard him the first time, was just about to repeat this news when she turned from her pot stirring and calmly said, "You're gay? Does that mean that you put other men's penises into your mouth?"

The guy blushed red and said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom... That's right."

His mother went back to stirring her pots.

Then, without warning, she suddenly whirled around, whacked her son over the head with her wooden spoon and yelled, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!"

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[B]Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words [/B][B]Yellow[/B][B] ,[/B][B] [/B][B]Pink[/B][B] and [/B][B]Green[/B][B]."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes [/B][B]green, green[/B][B], and I [/B][B]pink[/B][B] it up, and say, [/B][B]'[/B][B] Yellow[/B][B] '[/B][B], this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.[/B]

[B]No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.[/B][B] [/B]

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[B]Q:[/B][B] How many women, during MENOPAUSE, does it take to change a light bulb?[/B]


[B]Woman's Answer:[/B][B]One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! [/B][B]They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. [/B][B]And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the darn light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! [/B][B]But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would [/B][B]STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER [/B][B]PICKS UP OR [/B][B]CARRIE[/B][B]S A THING [/B][B]OUT [/B][B]TO [/B][B]THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED [/B][B]FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! [/B][B]IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! [/B][B]AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES [/B][B]THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! [/B]




[B]I'm sorry. [/B][B]What was the question?[/B]

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[B]The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, [/B]

[B]'Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'[/B][B]
[/B]
[B]No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, [/B]

[B]'You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! [/B]

[B]I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!' [/B]

[B]With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.[/B][B]

[B][B] Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, [/B][/B][/B]

[B]'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'[/B][B]

[B][B]Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, [/B][/B][/B]

[B]'Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!'[/B][B]

[B][B]The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'[/B]

[B]Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, [/B][/B][/B]

[B]'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'[/B][B]

[B][B]Mrs. McNick said, 'Very good, Billy,' [/B][/B][/B]

[B]then she turned to Mary and continued, 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:[/B][B]

[B][B](1) you have a dirty mind[/B]

[B](2) you didn't read your homework, and[/B]

[B](3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'[/B][/B][/B]

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You'e got to see the picture first...

Keep in mind this really happened. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.




[B]Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:[/B]



[B]Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?' [/B]



[B]Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'[/B]



[B]Walmart Employee: 'What you want on dat cake?' [/B]



[B]Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.[/B]



STOP LAUGHING!

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·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The plan was simple, like my mate Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
·[SIZE=1] [/SIZE]It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

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Oh, That Wascally Wind!

An elderly woman was standing at the rail of a cruise ship, firmly holding onto her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away.

A young gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam, I don't intend to be forward, but do you know that the wind is blowing your dress up?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."

"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're whole derriere is exposed!"

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Young man, anything you see down there is 85 years old. But I just bought this hat!"

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An atheist was walking through the woods.

What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes

behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through "Christ our Lord, Amen."