Living with my Ex

[JerBear]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, so please be straightforward if I'm doing anything wrong!

Anyway, I broke up with my 3.5 year boyfriend 2 months ago. We have lived together for 2 years, and decided to stay living together, mostly because I can't afford to move out, and I run a business from home. In a year, we were both planning to move away from Santa Cruz, but if at all possible, I'd like to stay living here until that time. We have separate bedrooms, a new roommate, and have renegotiated finances, house keeping responsibilities, and I got my own car, so on paper it looks good.

When we broke up, we made the rule that we would not have tricks or dates over to the house unless the other was away for the night. He is already dating someone, and I don't like it, but he's been good except for once about having this guy over. Today he asked me how long this was going to last and I couldn't give a solid answer. He seemed frustrated and impatient, and while I feel bad, I also know how I react when I see him with another guy and I don't want to made to feel like that in my house. Maybe in a few months I'll be over it, but how do I be firm without being a dick?

Thanks for the advice!

[EvenOlderButWiser]

This is a really tough situation to be in. The emotional attachment, and the jealousy factor are going to be really hard to live with, I suspect on both sides - even though you may feel its only on your part at the moment.

There are a number of factors that need to be considered when your trying to work out this situation - and since you don't mention them, I'll ask here:

1. Does the house belong to both of you, or is it a joint rental?
2. Why did you break up?
3. Was the break up amicable on both sides?
4. Are you dating again, and if so have you had anyone over?
5. Is his dating serious - and if so is there a chance he would want the new guy to move in (or would he move out?)
6. Is the new roommate involved with either of you?

Sorry if the questions hit a nerve, but the more info you tell us, the more likely it is that forum members can give you more appropriate advice based on your circumstances.

Welcome to the forum btw

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[Geminize]

Welcome to the forum, JB.

I hate to say it, but that's really not a reasonable situation. Of course you don't like to see him with a new bf, and of course he wants to relax at his (your) home with the new guy. What's not reasonable is the two of you living together and expecting it to work! It might be possible in rare cases, but not if either of you are actively dating and either of you are not completely over the break up yet (how could you be?).

I understand you have an agreement and moving out would be a financial strain. Unfortunately, seems to me that one of you needs to move out. It's not a time for "being firm", it's time to move on.

Good luck working something out.

[JerBear]

Hey OBW. Your questions are fine. I just didn't want to give too much initial information, but sure.

1. We rent together, and have a third roommate. My ex is the primary lease holder.
2. We broke up because he is polyamorous and wanted to date other people while still having me as his primary partner. I tried to work with this, but I'm not wired that way, and we decided it was best to break up. I was ok with sexual non-monogamy for the most part, but the emotional jealousy was too much for me.
3. I have had a few isolated outbursts as has he, albeit for completely different reasons, but all in all, it has been amicable. We had some pre-breakup travel arrangements that we got through successfully and never fight over house stuff.
4. I have had two guys over, both when he was out of town. Were the roles reversed, I would be completely fine with that. I am not dating anyone exclusively, but have been meeting other guys and hooking up occasionally. He is sort of dating someone, but again not exclusively. We were all mutual acquaintances before we broke up. It's a small town, so I don't like to share social spaces if they're going to be there, and have been trying to get out of town as much as my schedule and friends' schedules allow.
5. This new guy is not serious, at least not yet. Neither of us rushed in to cohabitation, so it's highly unlikely that this guy would ever consider moving in.
6. No, our new roommate is the poster-child for platonic. That's a non-issue and in fact, he likes the idea of us not being a couple as far as the equanimity of house decisions goes, lol.

Geminize, thank you for your input. If I had the resources, I would move out as soon as I could. At the present time, it would basically be me uprooting my life because of emotional distress that hopefully will wane with time. Even if I got two other jobs and searched every day, I imagine it would take a few months to find a suitable place within my price range. I just had to finance a car because I had been relying on his, and am looking in doctoral programs for next year when we all move out, so my financial priorities are not with finding my own place. I have been researching this, and many forums and professionals see the rationalization for living with an ex, and also keeping the shared space platonic. I have no problem seeing other guys elsewhere, and frankly, am annoyed at him for pushing me on this so soon after we broke up.

[Undreamt]

The only fair compromise I can think of would be if he lets you know if he is going to have a new guy over.

Its your decision if you go out to avoid confrontation or if you stay in a put up with it.

You have broken up, you have no right to say what he can or can't do.