Lost My Topping Mentality?

[anon555]

Hello, I am hoping some of you can relate to the problems I am experiencing below.

During oral sex I am struggling to concentrate when recieving. My mind is constantly thinking and wandering off, this is making me take a long time to finish and sometimes means I don't finish at all UNLESS I concentrate on errotic thoughts. I don't think this is normal and I'm not sure what to do!

I have started seeing a new partner and he is interested in me topping him soon. I have topped a few hundred times in a past long term relationship, however we never used protection. I have tried topping with protection with another partner, the feeling was greatly diminished even using thin condoms and resulted in a loss of errection. But I can't ask this new partner to not use protection as it would be irresponsible to do so.

Aside from the the issue with overthinking and some anxiety has caused a loss of errection several times in the past and I'm worried it will happen again this time. I don't particularly think of myself as a 'top' anymore, i'm worried i've lost my 'topping mentality' when it's something my partner would like me to do.

Thoughts?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"My mind is constantly thinking and wandering off,...."

So am I supposed to pull out my crystal ball and try to scry out what it is you are thinking about?

knowing a little about what these thoughts are may actually be a big helpful clue. If all you are doing is thinking about him topping you, or you sucking him off, then yeah, maybe your topping days are coming to a close.

If how ever you are thinking about wood working, sports, or some other random stuff then maybe you are just not that into this fellow.

If however you are thinking you are going to shoot a bio-hazard chemical spill into his mouth then the problem is you are suddenly concerned about the real dangers of STD's and the consequences of infecting another person against their will with often incurable diseases that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

ED and Performance Anxiety is a vicious circle. You go soft a wee bit too early once, and then you stress out over it worried that it will happen again and sure enough because you are stressing on it it happens again, which leads you to stress more, which leads to more limp-dick-itis which leads to more stress....

You got to break that chain, and breaking that chain is more about stop stressing about your potential failures and accept that yeah your dick has a mind of its own and will, occasionally, just say 'fuck you, I'm not fucking tonight'.

NOTHING that you have said hints that you are suddenly wanting to be a bottom. you didn't say 'I want him to top me'. So I doubt that is the problem.

Pretty much everything you have said seems to stem from your ED issue and your fear of spreading STDS - both of which are going to lead to stress and performance anxiety which leads to what??? limp-dick-itis

I strongly suggest you go and get yourself tested for a broad spectrum of STD's. While HIV doesn't get passed via a blow job, there are many other interesting contagious diseases that can be... Yeah I know, now I Just gave you one more thing to worry - sorry.

You can break the chain of worry by getting tested.

and get tested for the RNA test on HIV, its the surest way to know for certain.

Perhaps when you (and he) both have a set of test results in your hands you can discuss barebacking and reach an agreement which appeals to both of you. Can't do that if there is doubt about 'our' status - meaning when neither of you know your own or the others status for the plethora of STD's.

As for going limp during sex, accept it - it happens - it is not a sign of loss of masculinity, or that you want to stop being a top - its a sign that you are a human being with a human body that is prone to hiccups and farts and the occasional loss of arousal.

[princealbertofb]

A discussion with your doctor might help. There are probably anxiety issues, but there could also be a form of depression... the origin of which could perhaps be discerned by your physician. Are you a smoker? Do you drink? Do you take drugs? All of these could diminish your attention, and or your erection or libido. Being on certain kinds of meds will also do that.
You could envisage using a cockring to keep it hard, but it won't necessarily make the experience of topping much fun for you, especially with a condom. It seems there are other, psychological issues at hand here, though, and you may want to address those first.

Maybe your mind is wandering because, precisely, you are thinking of other things : you are having worries at home, or with your work or studies? If you concentrate on the erotic thoughts and on the sex, it stays better you said. In that case, maybe you'd like to concentrate your efforts and the feelings on giving your partner a blow job, rather than getting one from him, or maybe the expectations he has are, for the moment, unreasonable. It would be fair to him to share your anxieties a bit. He may be wondering what HE's doing wrong and getting either frustrated or worried about his sex appeal. Don't pretend it's not happening. Let him know what your concerns are. He may have (part of) the solution.

[BobInTampa]

It sounds to me like there's a LOT MORE going on between your ears than you're letting on.

Look, at 22, you should be getting and keeping a hardon with LITTLE OR NO problem - whether during oral or anal sex.

So, what's REALLY going on? Are you still in love with the man you were having unprotected sex with? Were you dumped? Is there some other major drama going on?

Oh, and what's a "topping mentality?" Are you assuming that because you're taking a long time to cum during oral sex and/or that you lose your hard on when wearing a condom that, for some magical reason, you're becoming a bottom? THE SHORT ANSWER TO THAT IS...NO!

There's something going on that's causing this anxiety - care to share the WHOLE truth with us?

[Virge]

[COLOR="Blue"][SIZE="5"]No offense Anon -- but you're re-inventing dumb on some of this. I'm going with what BobinTampa said --- "It sounds to me like there's a LOT MORE going on between your ears than you're letting on."

I'll take it a step further and say I think all the problems you listed off aren't really problems but SYMPTOMS of problems you aren't talking about.

FIRST THOUGHTS after I read trouble getting to orgasm, loss or erection.
Are you on any prescription meds? Check out side effects.
Have you been checked for diabetes? Other disorders that can cause this?
Non prescription drug use?
Are you unhappy with the guy you're seeing now?

You need to think about all those things and more and figure out what''s going on inside you.

As for your issue about condoms --- You're in the UK --- hook up with some Pasante brand condoms if you haven't tried them already. First go online and make sure you know what size you need before you go shopping for them.
[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[LJay]

Like most of when we enter new territory (no puns intended here) you are naturally anxious. Get used to the guy and to yourself being with the guy. Take your time. Enjoy all the foreplay and general closeness you can possibly accomplish. vAsk him to use condoms for play and blow jobs so that you can get used to them. Look for other areas of each others bodies to enjoy other than just blowing and fucking. Do you shower or swim together? Just get naked and hang out? Whatever.

It is certainly a good idea to be thoroughly tested to take that anxiety away. There is some good advice in the posts above. Consider it all, but don't overthink the matter. Relax and enjoy!

[Cuddly]

No offense Anon -- but you're re-inventing dumb on some of this. I'm going with what BobinTampa said --- "It sounds to me like there's a LOT MORE going on between your ears than you're letting on."

I'll take it a step further and say I think all the problems you listed off aren't really problems but SYMPTOMS of problems you aren't talking about.

FIRST THOUGHTS after I read trouble getting to orgasm, loss or erection.
Are you on any prescription meds? Check out side effects.
Have you been checked for diabetes? Other disorders that can cause this?
Non prescription drug use?
Are you unhappy with the guy you're seeing now?

You need to think about all those things and more and figure out what''s going on inside you.

As for your issue about condoms --- You're in the UK --- hook up with some Pasante brand condoms if you haven't tried them already. First go online and make sure you know what size you need before you go shopping for them.

Fixed.

Maybe you're getting off too often?

As for losing your topping mentality, personally I find that my desires change like the weather. Although not as frequently. But they definately do change.

[Virge]

I got to thinking about this and something you said just keeps eating at me.

Do me a favor and google "Topping Mentality." I did. My search engine must need a tune up cuz it came up with NOTHING.

[MikeW]

Yeah, if you're not feeling it, you need to figure out why. Is it you're not that into the BF? Is it stress from work (or etc)? What is it? Where are you and why aren't you *there* with him. Maybe he isn't doing it right for you? None of us know but one thing I can say is that for some of us top/bottom roles are fluid -- and can change with age, with who one is with… all sorts of reasons.

[LJay]

It is actually a borrowed term, Virge. It normally refers to the frame of mind necessary to determine the proper garnish for desserts. One must enter into a Zen-like state in order to choose between whipped cream; meringue; sprinkled powdered sugar, cinnamon, or cocoa; or the all too often used sprig of mint. Cherries are forbidden.

Those who opt for Cool Whip are instantly consigned to the Brazier of the Buddha.