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My Life
#1
When I first started dating guys I was a mess. No standards, no mental strength what so ever, easily influenced. I dated 3 guys within 7 months. Now ive calmed down and Im really into this guy im talking to. We both finished relationships in October. We have so much in common. I see a future with him unlike the previous guys. He agrees that we could be something special but isnt ready for a relationship. I dont want to hang around because I did that with the last guy; made foolish decisions and ended up wasting 7 months of my life that I CANNOT get back. Should I wait for him to be ready for this relationship or not?
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#2
Hi there!

It really depends on how you feel about him. Is he worth waiting for in your eyes? If so, back off a little and give him some time and space to see what happens. How much time you give him is really up to yourself and how badly you want it to happen between you.

I also wouldn't continue your existing relationship as it is just now. If he says he isn't ready, then treat him as a close friend and be there for him emotionally. If you're sleeping together and staying over at each others houses I'd put a stop to that until he makes up his mind. It'll soon let you know if he's really into you or not. It'll also let you know if your existing relationship is based purely on lust or something deeper.

The worst thing you could possibly do is press the subject of a relationship constantly. It'll just end up pushing him away. It's happened to me when I wasn't ready for a relationship and I just walked away because the other guy got too intense about it.

EDIT: I've had some good advice from members of the site not to let my past relationships get in the way of new ones. Just because you waited on the last guy and it didn't work out doesn't mean it'll happen all over again. It's taken me a long time to realise that.
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#3
Work on being friends, getting to know each other.

Dont jump into anything, that ends up in ruins usually.

Good things take time, usually the longer, the better.
Nothing is easy.
Life is hard.
Making it work between two people is even harder.

Look before you leap.
Think before you speak.
Consider before you act.
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#4
Thanks guys I do think the backing off thing makes sense. Its just a little hard for me to do because we've traveled in the same circle of friends for years "Us" is just now surfacing for some reason. Good Advice from both of you. Thanks again.
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#5
There's no wasted time in taking it slow with him and being friends first before getting into a relationship. Once you become exclusive, you will never again be friends in the same way --- you need time to think that through, and to lay a solid foundation if you want this to be special. If you're finding yourself unwilling to do this, maybe he isn't quite as special as you find yourself thinking, and could keep your eyes on other guys too...
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#6
Complicated Wrote:I see a future with him unlike the previous guys.

That right there tells a lot, don't you think?...

Well, both of you seem to be slowing down. That's OK. Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe this waiting a bit and getting to know him better is just what you need to make a change in what you say was detrimental past behavior, and seeming how you 2 are in roughly the same place, it can only bee good.

You also say that he thinks "us" would be good..

so, if you really think that this guy is worth the wait, then go for it..

be patient and wait, and work in the friendship you have...

it's up to you to determine how long will you wait

but if I dare to predict soemthing, you 2 will end up together in very very strong relationship.

Guve yourself and give him the time to let go completely from the past experiences you've had
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#7
Complicated Wrote:When I first started dating guys I was a mess. No standards, no mental strength what so ever, easily influenced. I dated 3 guys within 7 months. Now ive calmed down and Im really into this guy im talking to. We both finished relationships in October. We have so much in common. I see a future with him unlike the previous guys. He agrees that we could be something special but isnt ready for a relationship. I dont want to hang around because I did that with the last guy; made foolish decisions and ended up wasting 7 months of my life that I CANNOT get back. Should I wait for him to be ready for this relationship or not?

Wait until you waste 14 years with a guy - then you will look back at this time and wish you only wasted 7 months. Xyxthumbs

I am not going to tell you what you should do, instead I'm going to turn this around a bit and lend you the perspective of decades of live, and point out things which you may apply here. I'm going to point out a few things which perhaps you may desire to apply, or not. I'm not going to force you to.


You have identified that you date too much. That is actually a good start here. Pick up that thought and run with it for a while.

Nowhere here have you taken time off to reevaluate between dudes who YOU are as an individual. I find it difficult to believe that you have spent any amount of quality time with 'Me' (which is to say yourself).

October wasn't that long ago, what three four months? Am I to honestly believe you got over a broken heart, found resolutions to issues you had with Mr. Ex, worked on YOUR problems that YOU brought to that last relationship?

You need to ask yourself a couple questions here:

1. Who am I?
If people/yourself refer to you as an And.... as in Dan and David.... Joe and Raul.... Jim and Steve you are not being you. Yes you have been hard at work being part of 'Us' over and over again, now its time you figure out who 'me' is.

Any relationship where both parties have a keener understanding of who they are as an individual tends to work out a little better. More often than not just a little, but every little bit helps.

2. Do I need to be in a relationship? There is the want aspect, we all want to be loved and be hugged and cuddled and have regular sex and all of those good things that come with relationships. But do we need it? Is your personal life such as this time that you can take on an 'us' (you and_______)? Perhaps you need "me" time - time to work on you.



Now go back and reread what I just wrote, I have tried to take your focus off of this other guy and tried to get you to focus for a moment on you, your readiness for a relationship, what is is you need as an individual in order to safely navigate the waters of the world as an individual and as a half in an eventual whole.

Your potential BF at this time may not be able to vocalize a lot of emotions and thoughts. He may actually be intuitively understanding that he needs to work on his 'me'. As I have pointed out above with yourself. This is not a bad thing, in fact since he is as freshly out of a bad romance as you are (3-4 months is fresh compared to 80 years of life which you will most likely live) his reluctance at this time to rush headlong into another potentially bad romance is a great quality for a potential mate. It is a sign of maturity.

Between not being with this guy and having yet one more romance, is there something else you can have with him?

You say you two have much in common - good, great - does this mean you two can hang together and be friends? Not friends with benefits (sex) just good buddies. Share hobbies, perhaps explore those with him - not with the strain of 'I want you' as a lover, but as good buddies who can share time with each other.

Can both of you take the strain of 'eros love' out of this and work on the 'Philos love' Do by all means follow up on these two forms of love here: [URL="http://chrismlegg.com/2009/10/01/5-greek-words-for-love-agape/"]The Five Types of Greek Love
[/URL]
Understand that if you are going to have a good long romance/marriage you are going to want to have a good to great friendship with your partner/spouse. So being friends first and foremost most likely is the best route to take. A relationship based on commonalities instead of how great he/you/both are in bed often works out to work for the long run.

I understand you do not want to waste a minute of your sentence here on Earth, but its a life a sentence and frankly you ain't going to get out of it without mistakes and errors. Sure you may view past loves as 'mistakes' - but I think that in time you will learn to look back at these 'wasted attempts' and see that in reality they were lessons in life, lessons that taught you things about yourself and others, thus helped to form you as the individual you are.

Just the mere fact that you are asking questions this time around tells me you have learned something from these past 'mistakes'. So was it such a waste if you learned something from it all?

Perhaps instead of looking at this fellow and any waiting as a potential 'waste of time' look at it as a potential learning experience, what that will undoubtedly teach you important things about life, people and most importantly yourself.

Lastly, people rarely regret things they have done, they almost always regret things they haven't done. In this situation, I can almost guarantee you that if you run off to find another guy to meet your immediate wants, a few years down the road you will look back and regret not waiting, or not taking the slow route here and seeing what happens.
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#8
Thank you guys for the support. I need to come here more often. This is good insight.
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#9
I wouldn't look at it as "waiting," more "growing." Everyone is at a different, individualized mental and emotional state at any given moment, even if it gets modified by the slightest degree. He may not be completely ready at this very moment or even in this block of time, but that doesn't mean you should abandon hope! Don't be a Veruca Salt about this, just take your time, let him get himself into a good place on his own, and just continue to talk and be exploratory with your budding friendship/potential romance.
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