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15 and fucking confused, prepare for a life story.
#1
Okay so I turned 15 in recently but i've been have thoughts about 'gayness' for a long time since I'd say I've been having these thoughts and feelings since I was 13 But managed to surpress them for about 9 months when I was 14.
However Around this time last year I met a boy in german class called neil who offered me a place in his group and friendship. Now, I owe this boy alot because at the time and before I met him I was what you would call a bit of a 'geek' a hung around with geeks but only out of habit I was the only one girls displayed interest in and I always felt out of place with the people I was with. But he saw potential in me, he knew I wasn't one of them so he took me in and turned me into something to much better.
Now at this time he was something of an 'emo' ( for those who dont know its a bit like a toned down goth ) and so were two of his friends. Now his group which consisted on him, Bill, and Louis.
Were part of a much larger group who were not emo but more into indie/electro music. The larger group never properly accepted me like the emos did and I became very close to neil and the other two.
At this point I was introduced to 'getting battered' which concisted on gathering as much alchohol as possible and if we were lucky the odd joint, waiting till it got dark, finding a park or green and well...getting battered. Not long after Neils birthday word spread that he was bisexual he did not deny these aligations.
Now, when I heard this news I was initialy shocked and mildy disgusted (forgive me) but our friendship did not change. As time progressed I accepted his sexuality and this stayed pretty much the same for a long time until Bill made an annoucement that we we're breaking off from the larger group.
Now I was unsure about this, the larger group were the coolest people in our year some of them had grown to like me, like Rochelle whos taste in electro music had rubbed off on me and who I had secretly fallen madly in love with. I had been holding onto to hope that the rest would follow.
However I had little choice and we drifted across the playground and joined forces with another group who were not geeks per say but they were not particularly popular. I stayed bitter about this move for a long time and therefore they did not grow to like me either for a long time. There was also a bit of dislike towards louis for some ridiculous reason, therefore I stuck close to Bill and Neil and our friendships grew.
Now, Bill isnt a particurly attractive boy, hes the funniest nicest guy in the world but hes overweight and spotty but neil is gorgeous and being reminded of his sexuality every day by Bill making harmless jokes about it ( Neils a vegetarian but Bill insists he eats meat ;o) I started developing feelings for him.
Now I never said anything or even hinted at my sexuality to other people. However one monday night he asked us if we wanted to go out and take ecstasy, now I'd never done E before but it was something I was interested in I'd looked it up and deemed it okay to take.
So I told him I was up for it but Bill and Louis wern't aloud out on a school night. SO me and Neil went out alone and got the pills and took them in a playground. I told him everything. He said that he had never thought about me in that way before but he was glad he had now. We made out alot that night, and promised each other we wouldn't tell anyone else.
A few days later i found out he had told the whole group. We got into a breif argument and didnt go out again for a long time after that. However in early december me neil and bill were supposed to go out for a night of pilling, but Bill dropped out at the last minuite. Either way Me and Neil went out and it was a beautiful night and we talked alot more about our feelings for each other he said the reason he told people was because he didn't want them to find out any other way and he had started having feelings for me after that night.
We made out again but went no further. Later in december, my birthday I bought a ridiculous amount of pills and we were in a park when it starting raining very heavilly, there were five of us out and we were all huddled under the closed cafe/toilets (it was one in the morning) he asked me to go for a walk with him in the rain. He took me behind the cafe and with out saying a word dropped to his knees and...well you know.
As soon as he was done I did the same and we rejoined the group. We never spoke about it afterwards. Last night he was sober and said he would like to have sex with me, sober. I agreed. I tried calling him today but he wouldnt take my calls. I'm worried he was joking, but i didnt sound like it last night. I have school tomorrow so i'll talk to him then.



Sorry I'm not great with paragraphs.
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#2
I enjoyed reading this, reminded me of my school years apart the pills and what happened behind the cafe (which would have been nice actually hehe)
Have to say though that for you the young generation seems to be a little easier that it was for guys when i was in school to say they are bi/gay ect. Well done for that.
What you say about how you form groups is interesting. However even though the need to fit in and belonging to a group or be liked by someone seems to be the most important thing now remember for now when it doesnt happen it doesnt matter at all. As it doesnt matter how 'cool' you are but it matters what you make out of your life and learn what makes YOU happy and spread this happy confidence around.

Anyway ... back to what i thought to be the main question here. Neil!
Quote:Last night he was sober and said he would like to have sex with me, sober. I agreed. I tried calling him today but he wouldnt take my calls. I'm worried he was joking, but i didnt sound like it last night. I have school tomorrow so i'll talk to him then.
I think is good you find a friend that feels the same need to experiment with his sexuality. I think Neil could be a bit anxious or embarrassed and that is he might not answer your calls, or just busy away from phone. Anyhow... Dont rush things and dont do something if you are not sure you are ready to do yet. If you want to have sex with your friend and you feel you 've taken all the steps to be ready for the new experience then i guess it will be ok.. (although you are too young...is it legal? )
Because things sometimes happen in case people get to know about it be prepared to handle it positively. I would just take it as it is, laugh about it or ignore what i dont like- laugh it up basiccaly and be comfortable! What matters is what you want, not what others think about you.
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#3
I know i'm a much less shallow person now coolness doesnt matter its just about friendship. It was just cause at that i'd gone from the bottom to the top quite quickly and i didn't want to go back down again as fast. Plus I get on really well with the group i wasn't happy with a first now. Thanks for the advice and remember, the best things in life are illegal Wink
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#4
Whilst I'm ordinarily one of the most placid, laid-back and non-judgmental people you're EVER likely to meet, my advice to you is going to be black and white I'm afraid.

It's your life, and your decision, but at 15 you're breaking the law by engaging in sexual discourse or taking drugs, so I cannot condone either activity.

I have a friend of mine who's in his early 30's now who took HUGE amounts of drugs when he was younger, and it has (for want of a better term) completely f*cked him up, and so my advice to you is to stop taking the drugs, and then tackle the sexuality issues as a separate topic ...

I'm genuinely not being harsh - I just think given your age, the potential longer-term damage you're subjecting yourself to FAR far outweighs the benefits (or should I say pleasures) you're experiencing at this time, and it worries me for you ...

I'll stop there - sorry if I sound like I'm nagging - I'm just concerned for you's all ...

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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#5
the problem with being 15 is that it's so far away from being 21... which is the average age where people start to figure things out. unfortunately there's no speeding up the process.

know that whatever you're feeling and doing, you're on the right track.
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#6
you have such a long and wonderful life ahead of you. trust me.
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#7
Indeed, anon, but this post is two years old. I wonder if Altar ego (shouldn't it be AltEr ego?) is still reading these pages? I hope he's figured it out since 2008.
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#8
shit man, I'm jealous Smile reminds me of the good old days...

pills are really useful in those kinda situations, really drops peoples inhibitions but in a way you have some control over. Nearly had a few occassions like that myself when I've been X-high with friends, things tend to get very 'friendly' >.>

This is a really complicated situation but it sounds like you're in control of it; you're enjoying what you've done but also reaching a time where your social status and actions are as important as you feel they're ever going to be. Truth is nobody knows and you're all just fucking about, you just don't realise it yet. It's why these times are golden.

I don't mean to make light of it, I just sorta miss that time of my life, and seeing it from my late 20s I realise that that whole period of your life is just a game and you should play it as much as you can, you don't get it again. Good on ya mate.
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#9
I'm curious to know what country this was in. (Germany?) Because my high school in the states was nowhere NEAR this cliquey....
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