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don't touch me!!! seriously
#1
Ok this is gonna be weird, looks like I have a serious problem here.

I still can't imagine how much I despise my family members (all of them), I find them disgusting to the point I avoid touching them, in any way. Whenever they break my rule of forbidding them to touch me I clean out my touched skin and scream at them. It's more and more becoming a phobia for me, I avoid their kisses and cuddles, avoid making any contact with them either by will or by accident. Not only I stay far from them, I feel like they pollute every space they occupy, so I make a gesture in its air before replacing them. That's quite horrible... and I don't want to show them affection either. Sometimes they call me mad and phobic, sometimes they feel like I truly hate them, dunno which is correct or more...

However, I have very much physical contact with my friends which I enjoy deeply. As for strangers I'm forced to shake hands with, I go wash mine ASAP. It's annoying me and I can't control it. Or maybe I just hate my family so deeply, they never ever hugged me before nor showed me any love and care. If my case depends on my age, I'm under 22 years old, and I'm so impatient to get as far away from them as I can and live on my own.

This is getting seriously on my nerves. Any help or explanation would be greatly appreciated.
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#2
I would never let anyone in my family touch me. Never did I even hug my sister, but I could hug her husband goodbye.

My family abused me severely including sexual abuse and as a result I suffer from complex PTSD.

However, I am a very sexual being and crave the touch of other people. Just not family. The thought of it makes me ill. I don't really like family in any sense though. Logical, given my life experience, right?
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#3
This is complicated. I can relate, because I don't like being touched by random people, I have some family that I go to great lengths to avoid touching. My BF and I are now raising his 3 year old nephew, and I freaking HATE it when people think they can touch him or pick him up because he's a cute kid. I never considered any of this abnormal, because I have no problem being touched by my BF (kinda like it lol) or my best friend or some other people close to me.

The aversion you feel to your family - have there been circumstances in the past that prompted this, such as what Uneunsae described? And, I guess what's most important, do you WANT to change it, or just to get away from them?

If it becomes a problem in your dealings with everyone, then I would say you need to see a therapist. But I think you should try to think about what you really want to happen here.
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#4
Hate is such a strong word....

However that is exactly how I felt about mother, her husband and my father.

Mind all three had a hand in raising me, which is to say beating me, torturing me, neglecting me, starving me - amongst other abuses to numerous to list. By the time I was about to hit my puberty I was totally loath to be touched by any of them - even the accidental bumping into them or visa versa sent me into a total panic.

My relationship with my older brother was one of complete trust, that may have more to do with me clinging to him when we were younglings since the Step Daddy Monster and the Mama Monster were slightly 'distant' (understatement can be a form of humor if applied correctly and often enough)

By the time I reached my 20's I was phobic about germs and touching. To the point my stomach would knot up and turn sickly in its bed if someone even offered their hand for a shaking.

Today I will shake hands and feel a bit of panic, however I have a few 'tools' in my work belt which help me manage the phobia side of my 'little issue'. I got those tools through years and years of therapy. Mind it took me many years to get it because I tried alternative therapies first, such as oceans of alcohol and mountains of meth - Results varied in those alternative therapies, but never actually addressed the underlying causes of my minor aversion to strangers.

I still refrain from offering my hand first and am relieved when a stranger doesn't offer his/her's. However I will do the polite hand shaking thing when they offer, mindful to not touch my face or the rest of my body until such time I can sanitize the sullied hand for my protection.

Thus I appear to be a well rounded, normal human being - Appearances are deceiving....

The flip side of this is I am all snuggly, cuddly, hands on, touchy/feely with partners. I make up for the general lack of touch with humanity as a whole in that one special person. Past partners accused me of being clingy, or tell me its too hot or they just finally ran away... :biggrin:

That is a mixed blessing I guess. The few partners who got that I was wired to hate just anyone touch me understood that my willingness, enthusiasm to touch and be touched by them was a really special and significant thing which strengthened the ties of our relationship... And gave them a sense of relief knowing that I most likely wouldn't jump into the nearest bed with just anyone... If hands have germs can you imagine the horrors that strange dick has on it??? :eek:

Sadly, when people are tortured by trusted members related to them, they tend to develop this hatred of touch in general... Those who can make up for the lack of touch with other trusted members of the human species are doing far, far better than those who give up and isolate totally from other humans.

Since you do touch your friends and don't freak out with casual contact with them, you are in a good place considering.

While your folks may not have hit you, raped you, locked you in the closet, made you eat bars of soap, and other forms of well known and obvious abuse, they did abuse you with neglect.

Infants and toddlers who are not given lots of physical love, holding, being picked up, rocked, etc, tend to grow up to be isolationists and stand offish when it comes to touch. http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/infant-touch/ Is just one such read on the subject.

Perhaps if you pursue the subject more, study about it you may gain understanding of your motivations and through understanding gain some sort of control over the situation?

Today we know that humans are a very tactile species, while many assume that women need to be held and need hugs and cuddling and all of that physicality, the reality is that males need it far much more than women - to the point that women appear actually to be cold, calculating heartless critters...

Just society frowns on males experiencing casual contact that we are raised to be standoffish even in good healthy homes. But it does explain contact sports and all that ass slapping now doesn't it.... :biggrin:

As for washing your hands... A therapist can most likely work with you on that part.

I tried many methods to keep from doing casual handshakes, from the 'ignore it and it will go away' to the raising my eye brow as if querying 'are you fucking insane you filthy, damned dirty ape!' These simply don't work.

They don't work because most people do not have this issue, they can't relate to it, they never think of it. Instead they think you are high and mighty, or too proud, or too aloof or are just a plain asshole. And you can't explain to everyone that touch is profoundly unsettling to you, its embarrassing to admit this issue with people.

And still they don't get it, and think if you just force yourself to shake enough hands you will break the curse.



If you work with a therapist you most likely will not lose the whole 'I don't want to touch you' thing, but a therapist can give you the right tools to where you can do casual handshakes and not totally flip out - thus appearing to be part of the native population.

So yes, you are slightly abnormal, yes its bad in one area, but its not totally horrific in that you allow trusted people to touch you... Thus you show your trust in a manner that most people will just never understand as being a very important symbol of your trust.

You are not that bad here, seriously if you can form physical bonds with friends and people you trust you are doing far, far better than the majority who have touch and germphobia issues...

Its not as bad as you think it is.
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#5
Will not read the last book, SORRY.
Anyway, remember that you have the same germs on you as they have.
OOHHH, and I don't want to here all your Gay responses about how he is so much cleaner than them. B.S.
If you have this PHOBIA it's all you dude, sorry, but your no better or cleaner than them.
HIV is up 37% in the Gay community.
IN FACT IF I WERE THEM , I WOULDN'T WANT TO HUG YOU.
Really, Sorry again.
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#6
Bowyn, you totally spoke my mind.
My kind of abuse by them was somehow more than neglect; not tortured, locked, beaten or forced to eat soap/hot pigment, any pain that is very slow. I was rather abused by attempts of quick death or so, including poisoned food by my parents, stopped murder with a knife by my younger brother while sleeping, soporific pills at a later age... And still they act as if they weren't responsible for all that, unless I find evidence. The oddest in all this is I'm still in the closet, so what if they knew I was gay?? Considering their homophobia over hatred, I might be found dead within the hour.

Quote:The flip side of this is I am all snuggly, cuddly, hands on, touchy/feely with partners. I make up for the general lack of touch with humanity as a whole in that one special person. Past partners accused me of being clingy, or tell me its too hot or they just finally ran away...

That is a mixed blessing I guess. The few partners who got that I was wired to hate just anyone touch me understood that my willingness, enthusiasm to touch and be touched by them was a really special and significant thing which strengthened the ties of our relationship... And gave them a sense of relief knowing that I most likely wouldn't jump into the nearest bed with just anyone... If hands have germs can you imagine the horrors that strange dick has on it???

I can hardly make up for my lack of affection, bcz most of my friends are male and I rarely see them, other than the "masculine" type they ought to be and/or want to see.
It sounds desperate but I'm now used to live in a such cold. I think it can only get better when I come out, which isn't much of a wait for me (less than a year until I become independent).
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#7
Anon,

Do you still live with your family?
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#8
50Plus Wrote:Anon,

Do you still live with your family?

Yes, but when I graduate I'll live apart.
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#9
When do you graduate?
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#10
50Plus Wrote:When do you graduate?

Next summer or a bit before.
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