07-01-2012, 03:42 PM
Wow. Where do I even begin to answer all of this?
I have considered that my mind made up the memory. But its just so real and I can see it so clearly. Something happened to me as a child that made me fear men and equate sex with negativity. This is the most logical conclusion but I can't help if I wonder if its real. My counselor didn't put it in my head, I'm the one who brought it up to her and she agreed that something likely happened. I have repressed memories before. Apparently my dad hit me with a belt but all I remember is his yelling and waving it at my sister and I. He hit us both, but only my sister remembers the actual physical contact. I called my counselor to tell her about the memory. I have yet to hear from her, and I can't afford a second professional opinion. I can barely afford counseling sessions as is.
I will probably never know if it is real or not. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just want to move on with my life.
My dad was a lot of fun growing up. He had his bursts of violent rage but he never hit me, my siblings or my mom. He would take out his rage on furniture. He was very religious and did Bible study with us. I'm much closer to my dad than I am to my mom. My mom was the scary abuser in our family. I'm still kind of scared of her. I use to put my dad on a pedestal, but last year I came to realize who and what he really is. And its not always such a great picture.
Whether or not my experiences turned me gay doesn't matter, because I will never know that for certain either. All I know is I want to be with a woman in a loving healthy relationship and I see nothing wrong with this.
I have considered that my mind made up the memory. But its just so real and I can see it so clearly. Something happened to me as a child that made me fear men and equate sex with negativity. This is the most logical conclusion but I can't help if I wonder if its real. My counselor didn't put it in my head, I'm the one who brought it up to her and she agreed that something likely happened. I have repressed memories before. Apparently my dad hit me with a belt but all I remember is his yelling and waving it at my sister and I. He hit us both, but only my sister remembers the actual physical contact. I called my counselor to tell her about the memory. I have yet to hear from her, and I can't afford a second professional opinion. I can barely afford counseling sessions as is.
I will probably never know if it is real or not. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just want to move on with my life.
My dad was a lot of fun growing up. He had his bursts of violent rage but he never hit me, my siblings or my mom. He would take out his rage on furniture. He was very religious and did Bible study with us. I'm much closer to my dad than I am to my mom. My mom was the scary abuser in our family. I'm still kind of scared of her. I use to put my dad on a pedestal, but last year I came to realize who and what he really is. And its not always such a great picture.
Whether or not my experiences turned me gay doesn't matter, because I will never know that for certain either. All I know is I want to be with a woman in a loving healthy relationship and I see nothing wrong with this.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
