My time

[Bricg1970]

Hi my name is Alex, on tuesday I have spoken to my wife for 15 years and I openly recognized that I am Gay and that for the last 25 years I have self-denying my feelings toward men. I have punished me all my life, I have prayed and prayed to stop craving and they always come back. I have moved around the world 10 times trying to do a fresh start and again I feel the same. I have tried meditation, tranquilizers I started to smoke compulsively and I couldn´t stop. Until last Tuesday I couldn´t hold it anymore. She is a very nice person and I don´t want to hurt her in any way, she is the mother of my two children and she have supported me all the time. She cried and cried and I tried to comfort her but I told her it was part of me and I don´t want to restrain anymore from now on, it is been so many years of suffering and internal pain, frustration. Now I like, love and accept who I am and it is part of me.

But before that something ticked in my head and I realized that my parents knew it, I understood why they denied me to study architecture or acting and my father brought me a prostitute when I was 18, terrible experience you can imagine. Even the second wife of my father told once and I denied it empathically and I felt insulted when it was the pure truth.

Then I tried to be as discreet and I met my current wife a beautiful person and I clinged to her like an anchor to my straightness but from sometime to now she started to suspect that she didn´t satisfied me sexually, she knows I am not very keen to have sex, she discovered the toys and we have spoken about this but never openly.

Now, after openly spoken and accepting I have never ever felt and still so relieved in my all life, taking this out of your chest, now stop feeling guilt or like I am doing something wrong, NO this is the way I am and for now on,

Whatever will be, will be
The future´s not ours to see
Que Sera, Sera

Thanks Guys