08-21-2012, 03:04 PM
I have been where you are and your wife right now is willing to do or say just about ANYTHING to keep her marriage together.
My opinion, NO, you can't be a 100% open and out gay man and continue your role and duties as a heterosexual spouse. You may feel you can at first, but at the end of the day, your needs and desires for full and complete happiness will drive you and her even further apart.
Yes, it's going to hurt (both of you and your family), and so perhaps you should seek couples and individual counseling to help soften the blow.
My advice is to just continue your transition and start the process of ending your marriage (please be mature and fair). I would also find a lawyer with experience in "coming out" issues and divorce and find out your options, responsibilites and how to both protect what you've built financially while still taking responsibility for your soon-to-be exwife and family.
I would start looking for an apartment as well. You need to separate yourself from your old world. There's no way you can really pretend you are a happily married man when you're not.
Over time, yes, you can be great friends with your ex-wife - and in fact, its critical that you do eveything you can to make this upcoming divorce as civil as possible. You're always going to be your children's father and you'll be still raising your kids with your ex wife - so be a stand up man on that issue.
But know this, right now your wife is in panic-and-protect mode. SHe'll do and say alot of things to try and "work thru it" and save the marriage - but that will soon change. Soon, those feelings of fear will change to anger and resentment (ie: i can't belive he lied to me for so many years - he ruined my life and my hopes for a happy life). Then, of course, the divorce will then bring up even more feelings of anger and resentment. Once that phase passes, she'll get to a point of acceptance - that is, no matter what she wants, she can't make you str8 or love her anymore, and she'll calm down.
This process can take a few months or many years - alot tho, depends on how YOU act! So just start preparing yourself for this journey, but know there IS a light at the end of the tunnell and you'll come out the other end a fully independant gay man. That's a new journey too!
I hope you have some level of support from friends or family - having a strong support system will help you thru all of what you're going to go thru in the next few months or years!
Hang in there. Many of us have gone thru what you've gone thru and have both survived and thrived. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Get some counseling and stay strong in the knowlege that what you're doing is the RIGHT THING for everyone involved.
My opinion, NO, you can't be a 100% open and out gay man and continue your role and duties as a heterosexual spouse. You may feel you can at first, but at the end of the day, your needs and desires for full and complete happiness will drive you and her even further apart.
Yes, it's going to hurt (both of you and your family), and so perhaps you should seek couples and individual counseling to help soften the blow.
My advice is to just continue your transition and start the process of ending your marriage (please be mature and fair). I would also find a lawyer with experience in "coming out" issues and divorce and find out your options, responsibilites and how to both protect what you've built financially while still taking responsibility for your soon-to-be exwife and family.
I would start looking for an apartment as well. You need to separate yourself from your old world. There's no way you can really pretend you are a happily married man when you're not.
Over time, yes, you can be great friends with your ex-wife - and in fact, its critical that you do eveything you can to make this upcoming divorce as civil as possible. You're always going to be your children's father and you'll be still raising your kids with your ex wife - so be a stand up man on that issue.
But know this, right now your wife is in panic-and-protect mode. SHe'll do and say alot of things to try and "work thru it" and save the marriage - but that will soon change. Soon, those feelings of fear will change to anger and resentment (ie: i can't belive he lied to me for so many years - he ruined my life and my hopes for a happy life). Then, of course, the divorce will then bring up even more feelings of anger and resentment. Once that phase passes, she'll get to a point of acceptance - that is, no matter what she wants, she can't make you str8 or love her anymore, and she'll calm down.
This process can take a few months or many years - alot tho, depends on how YOU act! So just start preparing yourself for this journey, but know there IS a light at the end of the tunnell and you'll come out the other end a fully independant gay man. That's a new journey too!
I hope you have some level of support from friends or family - having a strong support system will help you thru all of what you're going to go thru in the next few months or years!
Hang in there. Many of us have gone thru what you've gone thru and have both survived and thrived. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Get some counseling and stay strong in the knowlege that what you're doing is the RIGHT THING for everyone involved.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
