08-25-2012, 11:35 PM
I'm thinking of doing something I've never done before and I really need to think this through and of all the angles before I proceed (this is new territory for me), so here goes:
Very short & sweet, my partner was married for a few years and had 2 children by the man. She was planning on divorcing him when he died in a car wreck. While upset over his passing, neither she nor her daughter recall him that fondly (and both think he was manipulative, controlling, and hypocritical who thought nothing of breaking his promises) but his son, Brandon, who was 5 when his father died, remembers him fondly and gets upset when the others say bad things about his dad (he kinda reminds me of Harry Potter that way...). But their mom, after some argument with her husband's family over the funeral (I don't recall the details but they basically made unreasonable demands), cut ties with them after. As they live hundreds of miles away and have plenty of other children (and grandchildren) they didn't push the matter.
I came into their lives 2 years later. Brandon turned 10 this month. He still looks up to his dad and even has dreams about him. So I was thinking, maybe Brandon would benefit from meeting his father's family.
Of course I worry as it sounds (from my partner) that the family isn't all that nice (sounds like the father learned his unappreciated traits from them). Furthermore, there was trouble because they refused a church wedding, and given that he came from a large family that also suggests they're conservative Christians. Needless to say if that's the case then they wouldn't care for say any grandchildren or niece & nephew essentially being raised by 2 mommies and could cause problems (especially now as antigay feelings are running high among religious conservatives). Even if they seem ok to me they might somehow disillusion Brandon about his dad (as Brandon has a pretty heroic image of him right now from a small child's imagination and perhaps his dad treated him better for being a boy, IDK) but might make him feel worse about himself in the process (especially if they say they're not interested in meeting him). Obviously, Brandon doesn't need that, and this is all about making him feel better, not worse, so I'd meet the family first before I even asked Brandon if he'd like to meet them.
But to contact the family, I'd have to ask my partner (there's no way in hell I'd go behind her back on this), and I know already she's going to hate the idea. If I give a good, well-thought out reason for it, however, I think she'd be ok with it (maybe). What do you think?
And I also wonder if I shouldn't wait until Brandon is older before I even try. Part of me believes he needs to know his father (if only through his father's family) sooner rather than later and that this can be a very positive experience for him. OTOH, if it went bad it could be too much drama, conflict, and disillusion & disappointment when he's only 10. Plus, it's an election year and too many people are crazy right now (especially fundies), so maybe putting it off for a year at least might be best.
I don't want to deprive Brandon of something he needs, but at the same time I don't want to do something that makes things worse instead of better, either. Nor do I want to piss off my partner. (She's Brandon's mom, but she does leave taking care of the children mostly to me and she's signed papers that make me the legal guardian if anything happens to her so I can be considered to have a parental role here and thus not overstepping my bounds, IMO.) Any advice from anyone who has been somewhere similar as an adult or child (or knows someone who has been) would be greatly appreciated by me.
And alternately, how can I get Brandon to believe in himself so that the memory of his dad doesn't matter? I don't understand why some people need to feel good about their parents to feel good about themselves, but some are wired that way and Brandon seems to be one of them. If anyone has any advice on that I'd gladly take your words in consideration on this as well. (And before anyone asks, he has a good if distant adult male role model, as well as having plenty of friends his own gender.)
Thanks.
mile:
Very short & sweet, my partner was married for a few years and had 2 children by the man. She was planning on divorcing him when he died in a car wreck. While upset over his passing, neither she nor her daughter recall him that fondly (and both think he was manipulative, controlling, and hypocritical who thought nothing of breaking his promises) but his son, Brandon, who was 5 when his father died, remembers him fondly and gets upset when the others say bad things about his dad (he kinda reminds me of Harry Potter that way...). But their mom, after some argument with her husband's family over the funeral (I don't recall the details but they basically made unreasonable demands), cut ties with them after. As they live hundreds of miles away and have plenty of other children (and grandchildren) they didn't push the matter.
I came into their lives 2 years later. Brandon turned 10 this month. He still looks up to his dad and even has dreams about him. So I was thinking, maybe Brandon would benefit from meeting his father's family.
Of course I worry as it sounds (from my partner) that the family isn't all that nice (sounds like the father learned his unappreciated traits from them). Furthermore, there was trouble because they refused a church wedding, and given that he came from a large family that also suggests they're conservative Christians. Needless to say if that's the case then they wouldn't care for say any grandchildren or niece & nephew essentially being raised by 2 mommies and could cause problems (especially now as antigay feelings are running high among religious conservatives). Even if they seem ok to me they might somehow disillusion Brandon about his dad (as Brandon has a pretty heroic image of him right now from a small child's imagination and perhaps his dad treated him better for being a boy, IDK) but might make him feel worse about himself in the process (especially if they say they're not interested in meeting him). Obviously, Brandon doesn't need that, and this is all about making him feel better, not worse, so I'd meet the family first before I even asked Brandon if he'd like to meet them.
But to contact the family, I'd have to ask my partner (there's no way in hell I'd go behind her back on this), and I know already she's going to hate the idea. If I give a good, well-thought out reason for it, however, I think she'd be ok with it (maybe). What do you think?
And I also wonder if I shouldn't wait until Brandon is older before I even try. Part of me believes he needs to know his father (if only through his father's family) sooner rather than later and that this can be a very positive experience for him. OTOH, if it went bad it could be too much drama, conflict, and disillusion & disappointment when he's only 10. Plus, it's an election year and too many people are crazy right now (especially fundies), so maybe putting it off for a year at least might be best.
I don't want to deprive Brandon of something he needs, but at the same time I don't want to do something that makes things worse instead of better, either. Nor do I want to piss off my partner. (She's Brandon's mom, but she does leave taking care of the children mostly to me and she's signed papers that make me the legal guardian if anything happens to her so I can be considered to have a parental role here and thus not overstepping my bounds, IMO.) Any advice from anyone who has been somewhere similar as an adult or child (or knows someone who has been) would be greatly appreciated by me.
And alternately, how can I get Brandon to believe in himself so that the memory of his dad doesn't matter? I don't understand why some people need to feel good about their parents to feel good about themselves, but some are wired that way and Brandon seems to be one of them. If anyone has any advice on that I'd gladly take your words in consideration on this as well. (And before anyone asks, he has a good if distant adult male role model, as well as having plenty of friends his own gender.)
Thanks.
mile:
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