Telling my Girlfriend, Is it Good Time?

[Madridlindon]

Hi This is my first time posting, although I have been lurking for a while. For years I've known that I'm gay. The hard part has been accepting it. I don't have low self-esteem, but its been difficult wrapping my mind around the concept. In the past two months I have come to embrace it, but with trepidation. People have been guessing for years, and I always brush it off with a coy smile and a playful "Noooo..." But now that I'm in college, I feel as if its time for a fresh start, and a time to be myself. I find it easier to tell strangers, but harder for people I know well. I told my first person yesterday, and I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my back. But there is the real issue at hand, my girlfriend of two years.

I care about her and she is a wonderful person, but I'm not interested in her in that way, especially after having "Relations" with her, not to be graphic. But she's always been there for me and has helped my through tough times, and when I was with her I was trying to convince myself that "being gay" was a phase, and the little voice in my head was very quiet. But it is at this point now that I can now longer hold it in. She deserves better, and she is a wonderful person, so I hate to see her get hurt. I thought, because she goes to a different college, that we would drift apart, and it would end painlessly. But the other day she called when we haven't talked for weeks, as if nothing had changed, and I wanted to scream it from the rooftops to her, and get it over with. Because I am a faithful person, and I would never cheat on someone. But I find it difficult to say it. There was one time when I joked to her "What if I was gay, lol" and she responded "If you were gay, I would feel as if I wasted two years of my life, and I would be depressed." So it makes me feel awful that I have to do this. I know there is no other option and I can't live a lie, nor lead her on, it's not fair. But lately my grandmother has been sick and has been declining, and she has been there for me when ever I would cry, And today a couple of hours ago she passed away. So thing are tough for me right now, but I no longer wish to lie to her. Should I wait a few days, or tell her as soon as possible? I know I shouldn't have waited this long, but whats been done, is done. What do you guys think?

Sorry if its Tl;Dr