Apathy

[snugsy]

So... I'm not really even sure what i want to say about it, or if i even have a question to ask, cause the way i've been feeling is complex and stems from many life frustrations. But over the past month i've become stuck in this rut of apathy. .

A big part of me believes it is due to my addiction to video games and netflix. I just finished season 7 of buffy the Vamp slayer... loved it... but i went to it specifically to waste my time. I also have been playing way too much league of legends. a stupid online multi-player capture the base sorta team game. Waaay addicted. But i'm at the point where i'm not sure anymore if this addiction is the cause of - or the product of, my apathy.

I certainly know some of this feeling comes from my current shitty family life. Well my parents anyways. I've been out for a couple years now And my parents still rarely acknowledge my sexuality, never met the guy i was in a relationship with (for a year), can't look me in the eye to bring up what they think about me being gay (not that they don't get it accross. they make their firm dis-support plainly clear).
So when i come home every weekend. I drown in this feeling that they don't know me. because we never talk. I know i'm not guiltless. I haven't ever been able to look them in the eyes with pride either. I too avoid confrontation because of the way it makes me despise them. When we do talk. I end up miserable and so angry because of the things they say and the way they show how very little they've invested into actually knowing me as a man (who happens to be gay). (on the flip side they expose how much they buy into every paper they ever read that tells them to not support me for any reason).

And so i feel stuck in this inability to relate stemming from both sides, and an overall disconnect from my life experiences, and the sources my parents turn to to learn about gay life. I feel so unable to counteract what they are learning, and to show them what it is actually like to live my life. Because they disregard my life experiences. And i think it made me give up in trying to even be present around them. And i am fairly certain this apathy has translated into other areas of my life. SOO YEAH. I'm level headed. And i've been coping with this for a while so it's nothing new. nothing i can't deal with. But it feels like it's festering.

My little brother has been my saving grace. He supports me, and (go figure) asks about my life, and he keeps me solid and sane when he's around. And even got me motivated to get back to the gym. Which has helped with a lot of my stress.

But i still have this general lack of interest in doing much more than vegging my life away. I want to want to do things. But it takes so much for me to scrounge up any motivation. I can't exactly pin point any spot where i lost sight of my goals. I still wanna get through college and come out on my feet. But it takes so much more effort now then it used to.


Any thoughts or advice is welcome. But i don't really know what i'm looking for.
I just want to get back to being motivated about school work, and wanting to have a social life, and being normal and stuff.