10-10-2012, 08:20 AM
I apologize in advanced for the wall of text that is about to present itself to you.
So i realized I have never actually like fully explained myself and why I joined this forum. I figure why not do it now.
In February of 2011 I joined Gs in hope of receiving some really serious advice. Basically I graduated high school in 2008. In 2008 during the school year I was hardcore in the closet. I got myself in a dilemma trying to cover up my tracks. I have two best friends, a male and a female. Well, as you guys know, I fell in love with the male and that branched off into a seperate problem. The female on the other hand, she became my scapegoat. A stand-in to make everyone think I was straight. Rumors had it that i liked her, and when i found out a possible rumor of us dating was going around I took advantage. That was the year of my prom. Everyone who was anyone was going. I was terrified. I was shy. It happened so quickly. She actually liked two guys. Me and another guy. One day she came to me devestated. The other guy had stood her up in the cafeteria and said he would never go to the prom with her. And its not like she was ugly or anything. She's actually a very beautiful woman. But she was heartbroken. She spiraled downword and thought she was useless and tried to get closer and closer to me. And i guess she just couldnt handle it anymore so she tried to get me jealous. and started dating on of my friends. My scapegoat was gone so people started to whisper things about me. The relationship put a strain on not only our friendship, but the other friend as well. Long story short, several months later she broke up with him. and he was mentally broken too. She vanished out of my life for awhile and i was left to deal with my depressed friend who found out he had just been on rebound from the other guy standing her up (later he found out the truth as to why he was dumped which was to make me jealous) But I never went to my prom- it was a wave of depression. Eventually I graduated and the female went to college a few towns away. My other male best friend and I were starting to drift apart because i wanted him to love me more. So my two best friends literally were tearing away from me. I fell into deep depression.
In the summer of 2008, I lost myself one night. In my loneliness, I found a 26 year old virgin( I was 19) and had sex for the first time. I still remember the smell of his cigarettes, that sweat, and cheap cologne. I was disgusted by myself. So in the middle of it all I told him I couldn't do it anymore and I left. I wasn't crying. It was more of an empty feeling. Then I posted a suicidal note on a thread. The website had me reported and I was tracked down b the police and admitted into special therapy. I basically convinced them I was still sane and they released me. Everyone found out about this- me being taken away by officers. IThey presented the chat log to me and I actually had to beg them not to show it to my parents. Not to show them What i was upset about. Not to out me. They must've been two gay cops because they didnt show it to my parents. They had an interesting story for them and then took me away. My mother was in tears (croc. tears)
Everyone wanted to know why i was almost arrested. To this day no one knows the truth because i covered it up. After being released i decided I'd get rid of my female best friend because she was still in intense contact with me and she had told me she loved me. I exiled her out of my life by blaming the arrest on her. I told everyone she reported me to the police she was the reason I owed the hospital a fortune. She was the reason my credit for college was ruined. I lied. I lied so mercilessly. She hates me now. She never spoke to me again. All of this. Because I am a coward and couldnt escape out of the closet. Then the situation with my male best friend happened in 2011. I came out to the first person ever and got socked in the stomach by reality.
My female best friend hates me.
My male best friend hates me.
I don't have a best friend.
I am alone...
I am a liar and a coward.
Until I can come out to my family. No one will ever know the truth.
So here I am.
I joined in 2011.
Just to talk.
My chest is full of many regrets.
I owe her an apology.
I know one of her friends mutually. And according to her- everytime they talk about me she scoffs at my name. I plan on making it up to her. She loved me. But I'm gay. I never loved her. I never will. Not like that. But i do love her as a friend and I feel terrible everytime I think about her. I am so sorry. If only I could cope with being gay. That's why I need a Boyfriend. OR someone. I need something to stiffen my spine or I will continue to trample other people's feelings. Then again I got what i deserve. I had my heart ripped out by a straight man.
In anycase. Thank you for reading if you did. Hopefully you know a little more about me. Judge me if you'd like. I already judged myself. I hope you guys dont hate me. I was just scared about the whole fiasco.
So i realized I have never actually like fully explained myself and why I joined this forum. I figure why not do it now.
In February of 2011 I joined Gs in hope of receiving some really serious advice. Basically I graduated high school in 2008. In 2008 during the school year I was hardcore in the closet. I got myself in a dilemma trying to cover up my tracks. I have two best friends, a male and a female. Well, as you guys know, I fell in love with the male and that branched off into a seperate problem. The female on the other hand, she became my scapegoat. A stand-in to make everyone think I was straight. Rumors had it that i liked her, and when i found out a possible rumor of us dating was going around I took advantage. That was the year of my prom. Everyone who was anyone was going. I was terrified. I was shy. It happened so quickly. She actually liked two guys. Me and another guy. One day she came to me devestated. The other guy had stood her up in the cafeteria and said he would never go to the prom with her. And its not like she was ugly or anything. She's actually a very beautiful woman. But she was heartbroken. She spiraled downword and thought she was useless and tried to get closer and closer to me. And i guess she just couldnt handle it anymore so she tried to get me jealous. and started dating on of my friends. My scapegoat was gone so people started to whisper things about me. The relationship put a strain on not only our friendship, but the other friend as well. Long story short, several months later she broke up with him. and he was mentally broken too. She vanished out of my life for awhile and i was left to deal with my depressed friend who found out he had just been on rebound from the other guy standing her up (later he found out the truth as to why he was dumped which was to make me jealous) But I never went to my prom- it was a wave of depression. Eventually I graduated and the female went to college a few towns away. My other male best friend and I were starting to drift apart because i wanted him to love me more. So my two best friends literally were tearing away from me. I fell into deep depression.
In the summer of 2008, I lost myself one night. In my loneliness, I found a 26 year old virgin( I was 19) and had sex for the first time. I still remember the smell of his cigarettes, that sweat, and cheap cologne. I was disgusted by myself. So in the middle of it all I told him I couldn't do it anymore and I left. I wasn't crying. It was more of an empty feeling. Then I posted a suicidal note on a thread. The website had me reported and I was tracked down b the police and admitted into special therapy. I basically convinced them I was still sane and they released me. Everyone found out about this- me being taken away by officers. IThey presented the chat log to me and I actually had to beg them not to show it to my parents. Not to show them What i was upset about. Not to out me. They must've been two gay cops because they didnt show it to my parents. They had an interesting story for them and then took me away. My mother was in tears (croc. tears)
Everyone wanted to know why i was almost arrested. To this day no one knows the truth because i covered it up. After being released i decided I'd get rid of my female best friend because she was still in intense contact with me and she had told me she loved me. I exiled her out of my life by blaming the arrest on her. I told everyone she reported me to the police she was the reason I owed the hospital a fortune. She was the reason my credit for college was ruined. I lied. I lied so mercilessly. She hates me now. She never spoke to me again. All of this. Because I am a coward and couldnt escape out of the closet. Then the situation with my male best friend happened in 2011. I came out to the first person ever and got socked in the stomach by reality.
My female best friend hates me.
My male best friend hates me.
I don't have a best friend.
I am alone...
I am a liar and a coward.
Until I can come out to my family. No one will ever know the truth.
So here I am.
I joined in 2011.
Just to talk.
My chest is full of many regrets.
I owe her an apology.
I know one of her friends mutually. And according to her- everytime they talk about me she scoffs at my name. I plan on making it up to her. She loved me. But I'm gay. I never loved her. I never will. Not like that. But i do love her as a friend and I feel terrible everytime I think about her. I am so sorry. If only I could cope with being gay. That's why I need a Boyfriend. OR someone. I need something to stiffen my spine or I will continue to trample other people's feelings. Then again I got what i deserve. I had my heart ripped out by a straight man.
In anycase. Thank you for reading if you did. Hopefully you know a little more about me. Judge me if you'd like. I already judged myself. I hope you guys dont hate me. I was just scared about the whole fiasco.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
