26 out of the closet, would like support

[ryuzaki86]

Hello, my name is nathan baker i am 26 and JUST came out of the closet. I grew up in a small hick town in washington, into a mormon based family. I grew up with the dogma that enfeminate males where to be met with violence. When i was little (6-7 years old) i experimented with a male cousin, he ended up doing something with a neighbor and ended up in juvenile detention, then everyone in my family found out about me and most disowned me. In order to try to gain the acceptance of my family, decided that i wasn't gay and led my entire life in a fashion to prove to the world that i was anything but that. My parent's were abusive reguardless, so i started working out, and after a period of time, i had convinced myself i wasn't, despite DAILY fantasies of being enfeminate in bed. I came out of the closet recently because i hit a point where i was tired of trying to play games with the people i craved love from because there was no winning.
The problem is now, i want to express myself in a more enfeminate manner, and i want to find a domiate (top?) type of guy, but i feel as if my working out ruins my chances of being attractive. I worry and obsess alot over my looks, and feel very embarassed about myself, i want to feel beautiful, good about myself, and normal but i'm too realistic to take myself seriously. There is NO support here, and it's very hard to wanna wake up everyday... I started working out again because it makes me feel better chemically, but i'm conflicted with myself, because i don't have gay friends, role models, or have been given any chance to discover myself. I need some new friends. and would love to find a date. I am very romantically inclined, and want to save my virginity for someone special.
It's really taking me alot of courage to come out like this, but i feel right, and i feel that emptiness inside go away a little. I'm sure this is cliche but im am very new to all of this, and to fight this alienation i've felt all my life would love people to talk to.