07-26-2014, 01:55 AM
Hi. This is my first time posting to any type of website like this. I really need help, and I can't talk about this with anyone, and have been holding it inside for a VERY long time.
I am a 19 year old male, who has an extreme sexual attraction towards older men (45 years or older.) I have had this attraction for a while now, and have acted on it many times. When i was about 16, I had my first gay experience with my friend at the time who was my age. I had always thought I was straight up until that point, but I enjoyed it. I started exploring different types of men and found older men overwhelmingly attractive. I will say that I have a very addictive personality, and so once I start to enjoy something its hard for me to stop. I met up with a guy before going away to college and assumed it was just a phase and got over it. After going off to college, I met up with many more and 2 years later I have probably had sexual encounters with 8-9 older men. I do not just meet up with these men, but for some reason or another I want to be submissive (or dominated) by these men. I always play safe, diseases are not my concern.
I am so disgusted with who I have become and what I have done. It has even gotten to the point where I hate myself and recently have been having many suicidal thoughts. The worst thing is this is so taboo and so unheard of that I cannot talk to anyone I know about it. I am undergoing severe depression and find it hard to go about daily things such a work and talking to my friends. Nobody has to go through anything even remotely similar to this, and all of my friends talk about how hot girls are at parties, and I agree with them half heartedly.
I am a really normal looking 19 year old. I go to college and study engineering, play sports, and have many very normal friends who are in fraternities/sororities, are in clubs, go to parties, and who are very outgoing individuals. I have a decent home life, although me and my father have never gotten along and don't have a great relationship. I am pretty smart, and do well in school. Nobody would ever expect me to be gay, let alone attracted to older men. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I just want to be normal. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you for reading.
What upsets me the most is that I'm worried about my future. I might eventually be able to accept that i'm gay even though im not 100% sure, but I dont want to wait 20 years for a relationship. I feel like ive already missed out on a lot of life, all of my friends are either in relationships or have had them in the past and heres me, never having been in one cause i dont know if im straight or not. I might be able to tell me family and friends that im gay, but that all i like are older men... no way. Any help/advice is really appreciated. Please no condescending comments.
I am a 19 year old male, who has an extreme sexual attraction towards older men (45 years or older.) I have had this attraction for a while now, and have acted on it many times. When i was about 16, I had my first gay experience with my friend at the time who was my age. I had always thought I was straight up until that point, but I enjoyed it. I started exploring different types of men and found older men overwhelmingly attractive. I will say that I have a very addictive personality, and so once I start to enjoy something its hard for me to stop. I met up with a guy before going away to college and assumed it was just a phase and got over it. After going off to college, I met up with many more and 2 years later I have probably had sexual encounters with 8-9 older men. I do not just meet up with these men, but for some reason or another I want to be submissive (or dominated) by these men. I always play safe, diseases are not my concern.
I am so disgusted with who I have become and what I have done. It has even gotten to the point where I hate myself and recently have been having many suicidal thoughts. The worst thing is this is so taboo and so unheard of that I cannot talk to anyone I know about it. I am undergoing severe depression and find it hard to go about daily things such a work and talking to my friends. Nobody has to go through anything even remotely similar to this, and all of my friends talk about how hot girls are at parties, and I agree with them half heartedly.
I am a really normal looking 19 year old. I go to college and study engineering, play sports, and have many very normal friends who are in fraternities/sororities, are in clubs, go to parties, and who are very outgoing individuals. I have a decent home life, although me and my father have never gotten along and don't have a great relationship. I am pretty smart, and do well in school. Nobody would ever expect me to be gay, let alone attracted to older men. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I just want to be normal. I would really appreciate any help. Thank you for reading.
What upsets me the most is that I'm worried about my future. I might eventually be able to accept that i'm gay even though im not 100% sure, but I dont want to wait 20 years for a relationship. I feel like ive already missed out on a lot of life, all of my friends are either in relationships or have had them in the past and heres me, never having been in one cause i dont know if im straight or not. I might be able to tell me family and friends that im gay, but that all i like are older men... no way. Any help/advice is really appreciated. Please no condescending comments.
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