this is how i feel

[Anonymous]

Today was my first day off in awhile, so I decided to go out to my favorite bar. It got lonely real quick. I saw groups of friends and people. I was by myself. All my other friends were working and when they are off work I'm working. I started thinking about how we as a group used to do the same thing every weekend, go out and get wasted, have fun and forget about our responsibilities for awhile. I just wanted to do something special today with people I cared about. Everyone is so busy that we hardly see each other anymore, even though we live in the same town. Then my mind started to wonder. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to end up all by myself. I think about my friends and their wives and how happy everyone is and than I picture myself by myself. I don't know why I do this. My friend once told me that I live in a rednickish town, and as soon as I move out of town I will meet someone. I get so sad when I see people having fun and I'm just by myself. I try to just keep moving forward but its hard sometimes. On the outside I'm completely opposite, I act like nothing is wrong and I joke around so much but I feel like I'm just wasting away. I'm always playing the middle man between agruements, always trying to help people out that I forget about myself, as long as everyone else is ok. I get so deep into playing that role and forget about my problems, my happiness. I've talked to my friends about this but not that deep of how I really feel because I don't want to put my problems onto them, I don't want them to know, I don't want to let it all out. I know that I have to say fuck it and take time to care about me, but i'm not me without someone else. I hate being by myself, its like I need someone, anyone with me at all times or else I just get sad. I'll hangout with people i don't like just so I don't have to be by myself. On here I can say whatever I want because you don't know who I am. I'm afraid of going into the dark, expecting the unexpected, letting people in my lives, afraid of letting people know how I feel. Its different from writing in a journal because I know someone might read it and relate to me, maybe. I know something has changed about me, I used to be different a lot happier than I am now. Its I hate feeling like this, like its all over for me, that there is nothing else. I'm almost to a point where no one actually knows who I am anymore. I conform to how everyone expects me to act, so I don't know who I am. I'm so fake, I laugh when its not funny and I care when I don't just so I don't hurt anyone. I say what people want me to say just to avoid conflict. I agree when I know something is wrong. I don't know who I really am sometimes. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me but I want people to know. To know how I really feel, how I really am.